They say that war changes a man. They also say that extremely traumatic experiences can fuck you up permanently. Some scars never heal. Some pain just cuts too deep, to the core of you, and leaves you a different man than before. And, some porn games are so far out of left field that they make you feel like PTSD might have been a more favorable outcome than having to remember what you’ve done. Now, before you get on your soapboxes and lynch me for throwing words around – I know PTSD is no laughing matter. I just need big strong words to really drive my point home.
That point is, this game fucked me up, and I regret playing it. But, I am the ultimate porn game reviewer, and I’m pretty sure I’d lose that title if I shied away from games that I personally did not like. So, instead of setting this game on fire and running for the hills, I’m actually going to review it. I might have to grit my teeth to get through this review, but who cares, I got dental. Are you ready to hear about some fucked up shit? Don’t say I didn’t warn you.
Pushing The Limit
Large services like Patreon, Steam, and PayPal have been cracking down on porn games recently, punishing all kinds of depraved fetishes and basically kicking you off their sites if you don’t comply with their rules. They made it clear a long time ago that any incestuous content will be auto-flagged and kicked to the curb. This kind of behavior pissed me the fuck off, because I believe that people should be allowed to jack off to whatever they want to. I consider myself a man with no limits. I never compromise. Well, that’s what I thought until I played Babysitting Cream.
If there was ever a porn game that deserved to get hit with the good old ban-hammer, this is it right here. Now, before I continue bashing this game, shamelessly, let me just say this. I have no bad feelings towards the people that made this game. I respect anyone who goes out of their way to bring free smut to the world, but this game in particular, I have to fucking lampoon. All right, enough dancing around the point. What makes this game so terrible? Well, it’s the first, and so far only porn game I’ve played that comes with a disclaimer that says, well…
I don’t want to quote it verbatim, but let’s just say that certain characters may or may not be out of certain other characters’ age ranges, to the point that some, if not all activities in this game may or may not be illegal everywhere in the entire universe. Let me also say that Cream, you know, the girl you’re supposed to babysit and bang, is … little. She is very little. She is terrifyingly little. She is not the kind of person you pop boners to.
The story to this game, if you can call it that, is that you are none other than Sonic the Hedgehog, of epic Sega fame. The game makes sure to let you know that it is in no way affiliated with Sega. There’s one disclaimer that I didn’t really need. Anyways, your across-the-street neighbor, Vanilla, asks you to babysit her daughter, Cream, while she’s away. She also promises a big reward upon her return. This I can very much get behind, even though it’s pretty much furry porn. Fuck it. Two consenting adults rewarding each other with reach-arounds? I’m down.
Anyways, she fucks right off and leaves you in charge of her home. You basically have free reign over the place, and the game begins. You can go damn near anywhere you want to within the house and even downtown, around the city. Everywhere you go, however, Cream follows. You take her with you as she is too young to be left unattended. She is not, however, too young to be perved over. It needs to be said; Sonic is the world’s biggest pervert in this game. I have played porn games in which you literally patrol the streets to find rape targets, and still, Sonic manages to be a worse protagonist somehow.
World’s Worst Babysitter
So the day starts off, and you have a certain amount of time to do shit. Your energy goes down every time you try to do damn near anything, so you have to be meticulous with your schedule. You don’t want to waste your energy. I’m not entirely sure whether the energy in question is yours or Cream’s, but either way, if you waste it, you have to end your day and try again in the morning. You also have to make sure to feed Cream regularly in order to keep her, you know, alive and well.
There’s also another meter, which I didn’t really understand. It literally says RWC, and it increases every time you do something with Cream that she likes. I guess this is like a general progress meter, keeping track of how far you’ve gotten with Cream. You get a bunch of choices depending on which room you’re in. You can click on Cream to talk to her and initiate all kinds of shit you two can do together. Most of these are standard babysitter things, like, I don’t know, feeding the damn kid a meal.
But, unlike in actual babysitting scenarios, there will be the odd tidbit, like letting you jack off into her meal before serving it to her. Or, you could watch a cartoon together, and then you can tickle her, after which the game lets you slip your hand down her pants, because why not? That makes sense, right? No, no, it doesn’t make sense, it’s weird, and it’s making me uncomfortable. All right, let’s continue.
Going Too Far?
After you’ve gotten your fill of tickle fights and gentle fondling, Cream grows to trust you implicitly. After a certain point, you can pretty much flat out ask her to take her clothes off and walk around naked. Past that point, you’re pretty much just checking points off a list of sexual activities. You can fuck her six ways to Sunday, but the many options are there in order to give you different ways to trick her into sex.
Like say, you could be in her bedroom, tucking her in, and you could offer her a snack. That’s code for: “Can I put my dick in your mouth?”. Gotta love it. The entire game basically devolves to the point where you’re just trying to perform every sexual act known to man with Cream, before your time is up. All the while, you’re balancing energy and that RWC stat I mentioned.
It’s an absolute abomination. It’s the stuff of nightmares. It’s everything you’ll ever need in order to feel uncomfortable and then some. The game is comprised of two kinds of art, and I use the word very sparingly. Firstly, there are the backdrops, which are actual photographs of real-world places. The living room is an actual photograph of a living room; the yard is a real yard, and so on. Then there are the gameplay graphics, and these are where the nightmare fuel comes in.
Imagine standard Sonic the Hedgehog characters that you already know, drawn by someone with no artistic talent. That’s what you get in this game. Not to mention that you actually get to see a lot of genitals, which will scar you for life. Seriously, there’s something wrong with the genitals in this game. They don’t look fap-worthy, they look diseased and ready to fall off. Anyways, moving on.
I’m trying really hard to be impartial, you guys. I’m really stretching myself thin here. I don’t think that the dudes that made this game are… bad. I certainly don’t think they’re untalented. I mean, their game is very successful, for what it’s worth and they’ve been updating it for almost seven years. That’s more than a little impressive. I’m sure they’re real stand up guys.
But, the fact of the matter is, this is the kind of porn game that I can’t recommend to anyone. I mean, the writing’s on point for what it is. The art is good enough. The game is stable, and there’s tons of content within. But… Cream’s little. Cream is little. That’s all I got to say about this game. Steer clear of it, for your own sake. Playing it might not be illegal, technically. And that depends on where you are in the world, too. Either way, I would give this one a hard pass. Ultimately, it’s your choice.
PornGames likes Babysitting Cream
- It’s free?
- Ren’Py remake
PornGames hates Babysitting Cream
- It’s an abomination