TheHentaiVerse

The Hentai Verse! Ladies, gentlemen, weebs and perverts, gather round, for I am about to make an ass of myself while complaining passionately about a game that I chose to review all by myself. No-one forced me. I saw TheHentaiVerse and their efforts on Patreon and I told myself: Now there’s a game I want to review. That game looks like something I should be talking about. It has potential. I’m sure I’ll enjoy trying it out.

Boy was I wrong. Here I am, eating my words. But, I’m not one to take anything back. I never pull out and I never back down. If I’ve promised to review TheHentaiVerse then review it I shall. But dear God, if you’re allergic to bitching and moaning, you should probably give this review a pass. I’m sure you get enough of that shit from your wives and women in your life in general. Otherwise, just pretend I’m on my period and read on, because I have a lot to say. Most of it is negative, but as I do when I fuck ugly bitches, I shall attempt to look at the positives and lay them out.

Patreon or Bust

TheHentaiVerse is currently marketed as a video game. On Patreon it’s described as a video game. On their site it’s also called a video game. My boy, while this might be video, it certainly isn’t a game. It’s worth noting that TheHentaiVerse was made for VR. You can play it on your PC without a VR headset, but that won’t really do much for you. The game was made with VR in mind. You can see the screen on PC, but you can’t really interact with the environment in intended ways without the headset. But we’ll get to that a bit later. I’m not done complaining.

They market this shit as a game and they claim they have a free demo available for download for all to see. They want you to download this thing, try it out and hopefully fall in love with it so much that you decide to sponsor their efforts in the future over Patreon. They want to expand on the concept, so they have an early access version of their game made available for free. So far so good. Most other porn game developers worth their salt do the exact same thing. It’s a decent approach to video game development. So, where’s the problem?

The Demo Feels like a Trailer

I downloaded the demo for this review and I fired it up. I put on my Oculus Rift and dove into TheHentaiVerse. I expected to see some gameplay. Instead, I was treated to an actual literal demonstration. The game plays itself, for the most part and there’s no actual action. Oh sure, they market the action as the focal point of the game, but they don’t let you perform it. The whole thing was damn confusing. Let me guide you through my experience.

I spawn in as a girl who happens to have a penis. The penis looks like a strap-on or some sort of graft. It’s plain white. It reminds me of the cocks on ancient Greek statues. Anyways, the game allows me to move around using my WASD keys on my keyboard which is a damn strange method of transportation considering I’m already in VR with the headset on my face and two fucking touch controllers in my hands. Whatever. I do the WASD thing and move around. Then, the disappointment starts to pile on.

What The Fuck is This Game?

First of all, for reasons that science cannot explain, the in-game character model that is supposed to represent me is placed in front of and to the side of the camera. The camera being my fucking eyes. So, to reiterate, within this game *I* am located in front of myself and to the side. This is strange to say the least. I mean, the whole point of porn games is the immersion. I want to feel like I’m a part of the action. Why would they place my literal actual eyes outside of my virtual eyes? Who is making these decisions and how can we stop them?

Then, there’s the WASD thing. I have to use my keyboard to move around, but I have the headset on and the game is optimized for standing. My character is standing. If I sit down, I’m at everyone’s ass-level. This is … kind of hot actually, but not the fucking point of the game. So, I end up playing this game standing up, but holding my keyboard sideways in my hands like a fucking mini synthesizer. Once I got past this mountain of stupid decisions, I could finally enjoy the game, right? Wrong-o, chief-o. This is where the real disappointment kicked in.

What Do You Actually Do in This Game?

Nothing. You do nothing. You’re an anime bitch walking around an anime setting that is oddly reminiscent of a village from Naruto, not that I would know what that looks like. I asked a friend who is well versed in the world of anime to decipher this crap for me. Anyways, you get to walk around and see women who are also walking around. Sometimes you get to see men. Sometimes the men and the women have sex with each other and you get to see it happen. What in the voyeuristic hell is this crap?

It gets worse. It gets much worse. You don’t get to actually walk into the smut as if you’re some sort of peeping Tom. No siree. You have to press the numbers on your keyboard, from 1 to 5, in order to swap cameras to different scenes that may or may not be interesting. Sometimes they’re fixed behind random girls, other times they show you sex scenes, but you never really know what you’re going to see. You have to press them at random like a gypsy musician going ham on a synthesizer at a Balkan wedding. If you’re from the Balkans then that joke will have you in stiches. If you’re not, that’s your problem.

The Asses Matter, I Guess

I think that the whole point of this game, if you can call it that, is that they demonstrate the overall art style and their devotion to fictional anime characters who may or may not be completely original and any similarity between them and pre-existing characters might be completely accidental. Pardon the legalese. Anyways, I’m seeing a lot of anime bitches that I would be able to recognize if I actually spent any time watching children’s cartoons. For the weebs in the audience, you’ll definitely recognize all the characters in this game.

From a normal person perspective, I can tell you that I saw a ton of 3D bitches who were in fact very bang-worthy. They had huge tits and even larger asses. In fact, I think the asses are supposed to be your main takeaway from this whole experience. They’re not human. They’re something divine, something vastly superior to human anatomy. They’re rounder than round and more fuckable than actual vaginas. I like what they’ve done with the asses. They’re quite mesmerizing, the way they bounce when the bitches walk. Thing is, I’d like to dick them. I would like to dick them myself. I would not want to watch random disjointed scenes of Naruto characters doing the dicking while I’m just casually hanging out in another zip code and pressing camera swap buttons.

I Pray for TheHentaiVerse

This game has potential, a ton of it. However, the developers have to do a complete 180 on the design process and invest time into the gameplay. So far, they’ve got the graphics down. Hell, this game is incredibly optimized. I played it on a relatively old computer that is barely VR ready and still it was maxed out and perfectly smooth. There were no compromises to speak of. That’s the kind of VR optimization I want to see. The graphics were cute and very enjoyable. The girls were hot and their overall body physics were appropriately hilarious, since this is an anime porn game after all.

I think that TheHentaiVerse could in theory be a must-play some day, but the studio behind it is clearly at the very beginning of the development process, so we’ll all have to hold our breath in anticipation. I might have talked a lot of shit on the demo, but keep in mind that’s only my impression of the current state of the gameplay, rather than the game itself. I don’t know nearly as much about the final product as I’d like to and that’s the problem. I predict that a future demo would be much more informative, but we’ll have to wait for one to come out.