Pirate Jessica

Yarr, maties. I’ve gathered you here to tell you a tale of booty, the booty of Jessica, the pirate. It is rumored that her booty lies somewhere on PirateJessica.Com, hidden behind a monthly subscription. Many have tried to find alternate routes to this sexy treasure, but all have perished amongst the tides. Now they remain sunken in the ocean’s abyss, as a grizzly reminder to all that would try and pirate PirateJessica. This is the type of game you have to pay regularly to enjoy and the lads and lassies that have made it promise all kinds of rewards be a-waitin’ inside.

Ok, enough half-assed nautical speak. This is a VR 3D porn game that features the titular character Jessica and a bunch of weird-ass fantastical characters like mermaids and monsters that are here to suck and fuck Jessica. The entire game is built around these pirate vibes and a ton of tropes that make it a very topical game. It’s one of very few VR porn games that tries to build a unique universe, instead of giving you an empty room with a bunch of chicks to molest. I like that the people being this game decided to roll with a fantastical setting, because it means that this game will stand out. I’m a little tired of repetitive VR games, to be honest. They’re all the same combination of simulation features. This right here is a unique experience.

Hard to Pirate

I don’t condone piracy, of course. This game is a labor of love, and as such, it deserves to be paid for. But, I find it fucking hilarious that a game with pirate in the name is absolutely impossible to pirate. But I do have a bigger point here – pirating games isn’t just about stealing them. This right here is a VR title. VR titles are notoriously difficult to test before you buy them. That’s why games like HolodeXXX come with demos that look like the base game, but are censored. These demos let you try the game on your PC to make sure that you can even run the damn thing. Plus, there’s the very important added bonus of making sure that the game isn’t actually a piece of steaming dog shit.

Well, you get no such demo with Pirate Jessica, and that’s fucking terrible. I scoured the internet trying to find some actual gameplay footage or any kind of demo version in order to test the game. But, it appears that the only way to get any insight into this thing is to buy the full version. Hell, they even have a link on the site to learn more about what’s inside the game, and it literally leads to the payment section. They really don’t want you seeing what this game is like in advance. I have some theories as to why. Keep in mind, the cheapest you can purchase this game is $20, and that’s a monthly subscription. You can’t keep playing this game after you’ve bought it once, you have to keep paying regularly.

The Subscription

I’ve seen other subscription-based games. Virt-A-Mate is a single-player VR game, for instance, that has you pledging on Patreon regularly in order to get access to new versions. But, at the very least, you can keep the activation code for the version you bought at the time of purchase and keep playing it. It’s not like they’re going to lock you out, the game is completely offline as far as I know. This one, on the other hand, seems to want to keep you hooked on regular installments. They’re going the route of triple-A porn websites, and I do not understand the logic behind it. Why would I pay for a yearly subscription to a 3D porn game when these types of games get boring in a day if they suck and they get old in a month if they don’t?

My theory is that this game isn’t quite what they say that it is. Now don’t get me wrong, I’m sure it’s a 3D VR game and all that. What I doubt is that the game has any gameplay. You’ll notice across all of their media that they never explicitly say anything about what the actual gameplay to this game is going to look like. They go on and on about the adventure and the story and what it’ll feel like to be balls deep inside a pirate chick. They flash images of Jessica’s giant tits along with a ton of sex scenes, but they’re very carefully cut.

The Marketing

From the very first second you land on PirateJessica.com, you are bombarded with the same tiny bit of marketing material, over and over again. You see Jessica and her massive tits, you see her skeleton buddy who may or may not be a bad guy, and you see a bunch of sex scenes, a few seconds each. Some of these reveal what appears to be the game’s controls. Judging from what I saw, these controls let you control some of the action and get different camera angles to view the action.

What I haven’t seen, in any of this marketing, is actual gameplay. I haven’t seen any story, any dialogue, or any world traversal. So, if this marketing material is anything to go by, this game is a glorified 3D slideshow of events that you just sort of … go through, watching sex scenes. It’s essentially a VR animated porn movie that you can stand in the middle of. I also haven’t seen any first-person action or anything resembling a playable character. I’m assuming Jessica is the playable character. But, since this game is very much made for straight dudes, I doubt they’re going to have you playing from her perspective. I’m a straight dude, and being penetrated in my pussy by giant monsters is not my idea of a good time. I don’t even have a pussy. As much as I appreciate people who do, I don’t want to walk in their shoes, especially not in the bedroom.

Very Confusing Sales Pitch

There are a few reviews for this game across different websites, but I’d wager to bet that these were commissioned by the actual site owners. They all say roughly the same things using vague verbiage. They talk about the fun you’ll have and the situations you’ll find yourself in, without actually telling you what you’re supposed to be doing in this game. To this day, I have no idea what the fucking genre to this game even is. It reminds me of the No Man’s Sky marketing campaign that had all of these videos that showcased the amazing universe, but no information whatsoever on what you actually get to do on all of those planets.

Well, it would appear that that’s exactly what’s happening here. You have to buy the game to even know what it feels like to play it. I’ve never seen a worse approach to porn game marketing in my life. The game doesn’t look bad, and I’d venture to guess that it’s actually really fun to play. The screenshots they’ve uploaded look amazing. But, again, I have to gripe, because the screenshots look Photoshopped. It’s kind of hard to notice, but if you open up a screenshot in full-screen and compare it to any single part of the “gameplay video” they’ve got on there, you’ll notice that the quality of the models is very different. In the screenshots, everything is polished, shiny, and extremely high-res. In the videos, everything is kind of janky. The movements are really rigid and boring. The models look really flat and last-gen. The whole damn thing looks so scammy.

The Promises

In the trailer and across their website, PirateJessica.com makes a lot of promises on what you can expect to find in this game. I’ll try to address them all with the information I’ve gathered. First of all, they call this the ultimate virtual reality experience and the most realistic adult game. Right off the bat, that’s wrong. Virt-A-Mate takes both of those prizes, because in that game the people actually respond with realistic physics. They actually have physical joints across their bodies, and they bend like real people. I haven’t seen any such gameplay in this game. Everything appears to be scripted and “on a rail”.

They also call it the greatest adult adventure of all time. Maybe that’s true, if the story holds up. But, I know nothing about the story whatsoever, so I can’t comment. They say you can choose your own sex adventure and that there are hundreds of different endings. Now, this is a promise I’m very keen on exploring. It is entirely possible that the game has multiple endings, and if the story branches, that would be an awesome gameplay mechanic.

All in all, this game makes a lot of tall promises and doesn’t deliver on a demo, so the only way to even know what you’re getting into is to buy it, and that’s a high risk.