Negligee: Love Stories

Oh shit, here we go again. It’s yet another hentai visual novel that’s available on Steam. I swear, if I had a dollar for every time I ran into one of these games, I would have a significant amount of dollars. What? It’s not like I count the damn games I review. I don’t scratch notches above my bedpost every time I run into a hentai visual novel. But, I can tell you, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that there are a bit too many of them.

What’s that? Me, of all people, complaining about there being too many porn games? No, no, I love porn games. I will never get enough porn games. I just don’t understand the appeal of visual novels. It’s the same bullshit over and over again. There are chicks, and they don’t want to fuck you, until you get to know them, and they open up to you. Then, they want to fuck you all of a sudden. It’s like the quintessential good guy fantasy. If you act as if you don’t want to bang her long enough, eventually you’ll get to bang her.

Flipping the Tables

Well, in this particular game, you play as a woman. But wait, there’s more, you play as four different women across four different chapters. That’s right; you get four times the trouble in this game. Do you know what’s worse than trying to romance a chick in a visual novel? Being a chick in a visual novel. And you wanna know why? Because women are unnecessarily complicated creatures that constantly create problems for themselves that could easily be solved if they had just spoken their minds, to begin with.

That’s not to say that women don’t have real problems, mind you. They do. They have bills to pay. They have taxes and … laundry, I think. The point is, that’s not the kind of shit you explore in games where you play as a chick, even when actual problems are afoot. It’s always a long drawn out exploration of their various feelings that just seem to get in the way of any fun. I swear to god, if I play another story-driven game in which the story revolves around the emotions of a woman, I will pop a blood vessel.

Inside the Female Mind

So yeah, in this here game, you play as four different women with four different sets of problems that sort of solve themselves. Obviously, the problems solve themselves, because this game was written from the female perspective. I also like to call this the self-insert surrogate perspective. It matches quite well with the behavior that I’ve seen women exhibit in bed, most of the time. I mean, I’ve fucked a lot of thots, and I’ve had a great time with them. They know how to have fun.

But, regular women? The average chick will just lie there and wait for sex to sort of fall on her, as if divinely from the sky. I like to call this the starfish approach, because they plop down onto my bed as if they’re passing in and out of consciousness. Then, they say some dumb shit that they think is arousing, like “Do whatever you want to me, Daddy.” Bitch, I want you to move your limbs around and do shit, this is not a one-man show.

Shit Just Sort-Of Happens

In the world of four seemingly regular women, things just sort of happen to them, and they just sort of happen to be present for the shit that is more or less preordained. I mean, visual novels are built around the idea that you’re basically reading a book in which you get some branching paths. That’s the extent of your involvement. You don’t fight bad guys, you don’t optimize any builds, and you certainly don’t have a character sheet.

Shit happens, and you seem to be around to witness it. But, in any good visual novel, you also get choices. You get to decide which way the story unfolds. This is basically a visual novel built around the concept of dating and fucking random dudes. All right, it was a bit hard to identify with the chick, what with being a dude and all, but I can get over that hump.

What I can’t get over, is how in this game that is supposedly about dating, I constantly had to choose between sex now, sex later, or sex across the board. Again, it seems weird that I of all people am complaining about getting to see sex scenes. I know. But bear with me. I play porn games for the immersion. I want to feel like my actions have consequences. This game’s idea of action and consequence is showing you a different ending at the very end of the game, once you’ve gone through a procession of cocks. I don’t want a procession of cocks. I am not a Manchester United fan. I do not roll around in the grass, waiting to get tapped up the ass.

These Women Are Interesting, Apparently

The main defense for this game that I’ve seen across all the positive reviews for it seems to revolve around how people were in love with the original Negligee, and this game served as a great prequel. It showed fans of the story how things got to the way they ended up in that game. Plus, this game also has sequel material towards the end, with a sort of wrap up of the story. It basically fills in the gaps from that game’s storyline and tells you more about the characters.

But, telling me that a character existed in another video game doesn’t necessarily make them interesting, it just makes them recognizable. Plus, I hadn’t played Negligee when I played the prequel, Love Stories, so I gave even less of a shit about these women and their trivial problems.

Do you want to know about their problems? Do you? Well, it’s your funeral, but this is a review, and I am supposed to be unbiased. So, let’s do a breakdown of the four dumbest sets of problems I’ve ever heard in my entire life and see which of these four women is the most annoying.

Female Problems

Number one, Karen. From downtown hentai-land, this busty housewife is living in an abusive marriage. She wants out, as any sensible woman might, and she figures the best course of action is to make sexual advances on her platonic friend. So, let’s just get this straight. This woman’s idea of handling an abusive relationship is to get into an even more controversial relationship on the side, possibly compounding her problems. And you see, this is extremely typical of your average woman. Instead of saying no to the relationship she clearly doesn’t want, she starts another one, just in case the first one doesn’t work out.

Women do this type of dumb shit all the time. Instead of committing to being single or in a relationship, they first, preemptively, start up other shit, just in case. They don’t want to be left high and dry, but they also don’t want to commit. But, they have the audacity to call me emotionally unavailable when I clearly and concisely tell them that I do not consider myself marriage material.

Moving on, we’ve got Jasmin. She’s hot, she’s blond, and she’s a stripper by trade. Her biggest problem in life is that she happens to be a stripper, which she wasn’t forced into by any means. This was a career choice that she made voluntarily, instead of say, not doing that and getting literally any other job that doesn’t involve her taking her clothes off for money.

Third, in our line-up, we’ve got Charlotte, whose biggest problem is that she just turned 18 and she can’t keep it in her pants. Normally, I wouldn’t complain, but she complains, a lot. So, how the hell am I supposed to take her seriously? Her biggest gripe with life is that other people levy expectations on her, and she’s too much of a wimp to speak up, like a sensible adult might and say, “No, thank you. I’d rather not.” Apparently, being a woman and also being an assertive adult are two completely exclusive concepts.

Finally, we’ve got Sophie, who is the most likable of the bunch. She’s an absolute whore, and I love her for that. I like women who are assertive about their sexuality, and I also like women who’d rather just be prudes and mind their own business. It’s being on the fence that gets my goat. This girl, she knows what she’s after. Granted, her promiscuity gets her in trouble along the way, but I mean, her story was the only one I actually gave a shit about, so it was worth it in the end.

Bonus Stuff

I kind of went on several tangents in talking about these women, because they grinded on me something fierce, so I’ll have to give you the most important tidbits in tiny blurbs. There’s smut in this game, but you have to buy the 18+ version, not the regular version. Be careful; it’s not a mod thing; you literally have to buy the adult version.

The smut is hot, and it’s uncensored, but it could easily be a lot hotter. It’s mostly just close-ups of people’s genitals. But, you can jack off to it just fine, and it’s pretty easy to get from one smut scene to the next, so you can play one-handed.

Try to catch this game on sale, as I do not approve of you paying full-price for a game in which you have to essentially listen to 4 women’s worth of problems, but to each his own.