Towergirls Princess & Conquest

Today we’re looking at a classic RPG porn title, with all the bells and whistles of retro role-playing games, but also tons of smut. Princess & Conquest is a huge fucking title. It’s the kind of smut game that makes me proud to be a game reviewer. Your average porn game gives you an hour’s worth of playtime with some faps in between. Some people like that. Some people don’t have time to dive face-first into an entire world of smut. Those are people that we like to call well centered human beings. But if I were well centered, I wouldn’t be staring at porn 99% of the time.

This is the kind of game you play when you’re single. It’s the kind of game that you play when you’re lonely. It’s an entire goddamn universe that puts the early Final Fantasy titles to shame. Those games had story, sure, but they didn’t have a lot of heart. They just got convoluted as hell and forced you to grind experience points so you can take down the big bad guy at the end. In this game, you have a lot more freedom and variety. You never know where you’re going to end up.

Actual Fun Combat

Normally I leave the technical specifics for last, but I just can’t with this game, because I’m so fucking thrilled. The combat for this game is a steaming pile of dog poo, and I absolutely love it. Why? Because it’s not fucking turn-based. I swear, if I have to play another RPG that tries to get around lack of creativity by forcing me to play Final Fantasy, again, for the millionth time, I’ll chop my dick off and mail it to the developers.

This is the kind of game that respects the fact that we’re living in a new goddamn century, and turn-based combat sucks. It’s not fun. It was never fun, to begin with. It was an excuse that old-school developers had to default to because the technology just didn’t allow for realtime combat. And yet, games like the original Zelda managed an open world just fine without forcing you out of the action.

Well, if you liked the original Zelda, you’ll love this game, because it’s the exact same fucking deal. You see a monster; you walk up to it, you swing a sword at it until it dies. It’s simple, it’s fast, and it doesn’t get in my way. I love it. If I had to fix my problems in real life using a sword, this is how I’d go about doing that. I’d swing the damn thing until either my enemies or I was dead. I wouldn’t stand there like I’m waiting in line to get my driver’s license renewed, eager to hear my number being called from behind the desk.

An Immersive Story

For a porn game with an emphasis on roleplay, the story is key. This game has a sufficiently original story, with all the fantasy tropes needed to keep things interesting. There’s mystical creatures, monsters, anthropomorphized animals, but like, not in a furry way. It’s all one big mixed bag of equal rights. That is, everyone has the right to consensual filthy sex. There's no discrimination here.

The official intro to the story is that you are playing as a knight whose job it is to figure shit out. The world is fucked, because some ancient dragon disappeared, and this somehow got everyone’s panties in a bunch. You get to decide, through your actions, whether you’re going to fuck the world up all the way, or save it from the brink of destruction. I don’t know where the pussy pounding factors in, but we’ll figure it out along the way.

It’s a Huge Game

The Steam page for this game claims that there are 400 different maps with cities, dungeons, secrets, and a ridiculous amount of non-playable scattered around the place. Naturally, I didn’t explore the entire goddamn map for this review, because I do not have the ability to freeze time in order to get through this whole game and release this review before the sun freezes over and kills us all.

The game’s also loaded with a bunch of excuses to let you have a unique experience. They spun the character creation in a similar way that Skyrim does, but unlike Skyrim, none of the characters make me sick to my stomach by having the exact same voice actor. These characters do not have any voice actors, and I love them for it.

There’s a system that basically lets the game generate as many NPCs as it needs to, all with unique costumes and outlooks. It’s easier to do this kind of asset mixing and matching in 2D, but I wouldn’t call it a cop-out. They really went all out on this art, and I’m very happy with the results. Oh, and keep in mind that these infinite NPCs are recruitable and bangable, so there’s that. This is literally an open world porn game with a story, quests, and endless pussy. Where else are you going to get that kind of love?

Weird Shit

This game also happens to be stuffed to the brim with all kinds of freaky nonsense that makes it all the more appealing to perverts everywhere. Do you like forced penetration in your games? You got it. Do you like themes of slavery? Jackpot. Maybe you’d like to birth your own companions who will further birth other companions, all of whom will be bangable? Bingo.

There’s also a ton of transformation magic, corruption, necromancy, and features that I flat out didn’t get to experience, because I didn’t have the time. There’s so much shit crammed into this game. You can really tell that they planned the entirety of the game in advance to make sure that all of their plans were actually viable. Somehow, they managed to balance all this out and bring you this masterful piece of smut art for the low price of $15.

I also mentioned that there are many different species in this game, and I have to sort of stress how this helps drive the gameplay along. I mean, you have an endless supply of randomly generated pussy, but across different species as well. Do you want to romance a dragon? Go right the fuck ahead. Want to fuck an undead chick? Who am I to stop you? Maybe you’re into elves? They’ve got you covered. This game seems to have literally everything except restraint. And who needs restraint in a porn game?

The Sound! The SOUND!

Porn games usually come in one of two categories, those that have no sound at all and those that have dogshit background noises. If you’re super lucky, you get some half-assed tunes that will grind on you after five minutes of gameplay.

And then, there’s Princess & Conquest. This game has an actual fucking soundtrack with amazing tracks that you can put on your phone and listen to on your way to work. They’re that good. These are the type of tracks you go out of your way to look for when you’re not playing the game, just because they’ve gotten under your skin. You’ll have a favorite track, for sure. That much I can guarantee.

Plus, the game has ample sound effects that in no way annoy you or disturb the action. There are simply no cut corners with this game. It’s the complete experience. I’d even go as far as to call it a triple-A title, but apparently, 2D RPG games don’t deserve that kind of recognition. I call bullshit.

This is one of those porn games that goes on top of my recommended lists and stays there until someone challenges its level of quality. How you could possibly polish a game better than this, I’ll never know. They covered all their bases. Their art is pristine, the pussy is, like I said already, infinite, and you can’t get bored of the gameplay.

Some of the naysayers in the Steam reviews seem to have a problem with a few of the layout decisions, and that’s a fair point. Having to unlock parts of the game in specific ways kind of kneecaps the open-world nature of the game. But that’s a stylistic decision. I’m not about to tell a game developer how to write their story.

All I know is, it’s straightforward to jack off to this game’s sex scenes and even easier to enjoy it long term with both hands above your desk. I wholeheartedly recommend that you try it out. I’m pretty sure there’s a public release that’s free, but a bit outdated. It should make for a great demo while you consider whether you want to pick up the full version of the game.