Booty Heroes

Let’s ask ourselves a very important question. Why are the screenshots that I took of this game so fucking dissonant and seemingly unrelated from one another? Good question, no-one. Allow me to explain. It’s one of those. We found another one. It’s a gacha game. 

I can’t hold back on this shit. It drives me up a fucking wall. For all we know, BootyHeroes might just be the greatest porn game ever made, but I’ll never figure that out for myself, because I do not have the patient for this shit. Look at the screenshots, now back to me, now back to the screenshots, now look at yourself. Wonder to yourself, why? Why are you here? Why do you keep trying to satisfy your desperate sexual loneliness by playing video games? Because it’s awesome, that’s why. But the million-dollar question here is: Can BootyHeroes satisfy anyone in any way, at all, ever? The answer is a boring maybe. Let’s get into the dirt.

From Load to Fuck in Three Seconds

I came to the URL, the game loaded in faster than I could blink and I was playing the game. It started with a cinematic – or, whatever the fuck you call a 2D non-animated sequence of images. A slideshow? Sure, let’s go with that. I got a slideshow of a guy, my guy, my character, fucking bitches. So far so good. I am properly immersed. Then, he got whisked away to a medieval fantasy land filled with nothing but bitches. If this sounds familiar to you then you might be owed financial compensation. That, or you’ve read any single review I’ve written on similar games in the past. It’s a plague. They won’t stop coming. I don’t quite know what to do about this.

BootyHeroes was hot, right from the start. I liked the style, especially. More on that later. The problem lies in the fact that I got a 30 second slideshow, before I was forced into an extremely narrow tutorial with the most painful handholding I’ve ever experienced in my life. They straight up blanked out all the clickable buttons and had a naked angel babe on screen forcing me to press the exact thing she wanted me to press in order to get the damn story to progress. Except, the story didn’t feature any… story… in it. It’s like this: You’re a guy, there are babes, shit’s medieval and babes will fight for you. You collect them, like Pokémon. You put items on them to make them stronger, like Pokémon. You level them up and they become stronger. Like Pokémon.

Pokémon Can Be Hot

The main reason why games like BootyHeroes are ridiculously successful, at least on average, is that this format works. I think it appeals to the gambling center of your brain, even if it wasn’t for the actual gacha. There’s something satisfying about collecting shit and pushing yourself to collect even harder on the off chance of finding something slightly rarer than the rest of your collection. Ah yes, you have a Pikachu, but do you have a shiny Pikachu? I think not. You have to keep playing.

Replace Pikachu with generic pussy and you get the gist of BootyHeroes. You collect babes. At the start it’s all scripted, so it doesn’t really matter. They throw some babes at you to show you how the game works and you have to drag them onto the screen to add them to your active squad. Then, they stand there, on a hex, while they fight other babes coming in from the other side. Shit gets flung left to right then back to the left again, and most of the time you just win by doing nothing at all. You don’t give them commands or anything. It’s not turn based. I mean, they do have turns, but the turns don’t affect you. The girls just do damage to one another, left to right over and over until the battle ends.

Watch The Action, Anticipate the Pleasure

This is your core gameplay loop. You watch the babes fight, the round ends, you get some bonuses. You unlock a treasure chest. It contains a sword or some shit. You put the sword on the girl, the girl does slightly more damage next time. Rinse and repeat until you start asking yourself what the fuck you’re doing with your life. 

Once in a while, you actually get to see smut in this game. They always bathe you in it at the start, to fool you into thinking that the game is a fap fest, then they blue ball you until, well, like I said – you start realizing there’s more important shit to do. Or, you just swap to an actual porn game. The sex scenes, rare as they are, are pretty dank. It’s all basic guy on girl penetration. No censorship. Sometimes you get more than one girl. Makes sense, you are running a battle harem after all. I’m down with the entire concept and downed by the execution – let me stare at the babes more often, dear god, this game is not easy to fap to. You know that the devs knew that what they were making was tedious when the damn auto-play core gameplay has a fast forward button so you can do nothing three times faster. 

The Art

Five out of seven, like the meme. It’s good, but I’m not pumped to go around telling people about it. No awards here, no new ground broken, just some quality titties that were clearly drawn by a human. I’m no AI art expert, but I’m pretty damn sure that these chicks were not AI generated. Unfortunately, thanks to recent developments, this is something I’ll have to gauge pretty much every single time I play a new game. In the 2010s, most porn games used the same rehashed free 3D models of the same babes and just gave them different names. In the 2020s, we’re desperate to fap to something that isn’t AI generated. What a world.

So, the art. It’s dank. I like it. In the cinematics, it’s damn fap-worthy. In the actual gameplay, it’s the same color scheme and art style, but shoved through a chibi filter. In that, the babes are tiny and, well, I don’t want to say childlike. That’s not it. It’s more like they look child-friendly. They’re still fully formed adult babes, but they’ve been stunted down. If you play League of Legends by any chance, you’ll understand – the babes look like yordles. That’s the shtick. They’re tiny and they look like yordle versions of themselves. In the cinematics, they look properly human, albeit in a strictly cartoony style.

The Painful Verdict

It’s in the screenshots, so you must have figured it out by now – this game wants your money, hard. For the first thirty minutes of gameplay, you play for free. Sure, they offer you the option to drop cash for loot, but I doubt anyone actually went for it the first time around, because it’s redundant. Later on, however, the game’s pace starts to slow down to a crawl. The more you pay, the more you play. Except, you’re aroused by the cinematic slideshows, but you pay for the core gameplay, which is, by my judgment, boring as hell. 

I’ve played a lot of these kinds of games and BootyHeroes is higher on the list than most, simply because the actual placement and combination of babes on the battlefield seems to matter and that means you get to actually do something with your grey matter while you play this game. You make meaningful decisions. Tanks get hit in the face, mages cast spells from afar, warriors go hard in the paint. It’s a basic enough concept. If you’ve ever played a video game, you’ll be very familiar with the basics of BootyHeroes. Combine the numbers right and your numbers go up. We’re basically chimps in an enclosure, pressing buttons out of sheer conditioning. Or maybe we’re rats, out for the cheese. 

Either way, you’ll get your cheese, if you play the game right. You don’t have to be too smart to excel at it. You just have to make basic effort and be willing to drop real cold hard cash when times get tough. Alternatively, you can keep coming back to BootyHeroes occasionally, for a few games and a fap, once or twice a day. That way you sort of optimize for the free gameplay, without having to worry about the long run. I don’t know how well you’ll be able to fap to this stuff. The potential is there, but it is a gacha, plain and simple. It wants your money more than it wants your cum. Try it. Decide for yourself. At least that won’t cost anything.