Noaika

This right here is a porn game, and a very sad story all rolled into one. I actually had to do some background research for this one and dig through some old forums in order to figure out what’s going on. I mean, on the surface, this is a demo for a really neat looking platforming game with smut scenes. The demo came out in 2014 and received some great responses from the porn game community. I haven’t found a single negative review of the game, unless you count the ones that are submitting bug reports and talking about specific difficulty spikes. In other words, this right here is a great demo for what could have been a great game, but info gets a little confusing after 2014.

So, from what I can gather, this game was made by a fellow named Kyrieru. At first, I thought the guy that made it was called Kurovadis, but apparently, that’s the name of a different porn game, also made by Kyrieru. I got most of my pertinent information from a Steam page about Eroico, which is yet another porn game that’s currently for sale on Steam. So, it would appear that Kyrieru is currently pouring most of his time working on that game, since this update came out in 2018. So how does this all come together?

Huge History

Well, if I got my story straight, here’s what happened. Kyrieru started several projects in a row, made demos in order to get some input from the public and scrapped a bunch of them along the way. First, he worked on Noaika, which is a sort of Metroidvania with some really dark medieval elements. Think Castlevania meets Metroid with some additional platforming elements. The demo was very successful, and it is, in fact, the game that I’m currently reviewing. People were really looking forward to playing the finished version, but this was back in 2014, and I haven’t found a single update since then.

Fast forward to 2021, and people are now talking about Eroico and a few other platformers, including one named Aster. Apparently, this Kyrieru guy has a tendency to start projects and cancel them. It’s not that he’s lazy or anything. The dude genuinely didn’t feel the vibe of his own games. He didn’t think they were worth finishing. I think this is really sad, because I had an absolute blast playing Noaika and I thought it had a ton of potential. Either way, the future is now here, and Noaika appears to be a story of the past.

Though, some people have noted on the Steam forums that perhaps Noaika will finally get a revival, after 2021, which, I suppose, would mean that this game is finally getting built as a complete title, now. But, I haven’t been able to find a conclusive post from the developer confirming this. Let’s keep our fingers crossed and hope for a complete Noaika release in the future. In the meantime, let’s review this demo and see what this game is and what it could be.

Retro Art Style

It’s been said a million times over, but, I’ll say it again: The retro 8-bit approach lets developers shell out a lot of quality content with very little money and time. I love this approach, because it opens a lot of doors. Developers often find it difficult to hire entire teams to handle their art, music, and all the bits in between. I’d rather have a ton of high-quality retro games than have a handful of expertly crafted triple-A shit and no in-between.

This art style fits Noaika perfectly, since the game is nothing more and nothing less than a quality platformer. You jump around, fight some baddies, and explore the seemingly open world. Everything manages to look sexy, not by being realistic, but by being easily perverted throughout the gameplay. What do I mean by this? Well, you play as a hot chick fighting monsters. If you kill them, you pick up the shit that they drop and move on, a bit stronger than before.

But, if they manage to take you out, they bang you. Plain and simple. There’s no transition, no morphing into another visual style to deliver some visual novel crap. No, you stay in the action at all times. The smut action is a part of the gameplay, and that’s exactly why I think it’s a shame that this game didn’t make it to fruition. I mean, think about it. You’re a fan of platformers and a fan of titties. You play the game, your heart races, your fingers tap away, busting down everything in sight, and then, you get downed. But, instead of disappointment or a game over screen, there’s hot sex on screen. That’s my definition of a fun rollercoaster.

The Music

Further on the list of amazing things that this game does really well is the soundtrack. This is a game that came out many years ago, and yet there is a YouTube video of one of the game’s background tracks that someone posted in 2021 for no reason other than people really found it fun to listen to. And, the video itself might only have a few hundred views, but it also has comments from people giving their thanks. I also felt very thankful when I found it. I am listening to it right now as I write this review. The track is an absolute masterpiece.

I’ve never seen this before in my entire life. I mean, it’s an unfinished demo with only a few minutes of real gameplay and a couple of features, but it has a slamming soundtrack that really and I mean really gets my blood pumping. It’s fun, it’s innovative, it’s original, and it’s the kind of shit I could listen to for hours. Hell, if they just finish the soundtrack and sell it, I’d buy it. I don’t even need the porn game itself. I just want the sweet tunes. They’re equal parts relaxing and exciting.

The Gameplay

Here we kind of dial down from a 10 to an 8, because the gameplay to this game is not a masterpiece, but I’d still call it near-perfection. Platformers need to be responsive and smooth. They should flow easily and give you a ton of control over your character. That’s exactly what you get in this game. Everything feels well lubed up, no pun intended. Whether you’re shooting the monsters or you’re getting fucked by them, everything feels like a part of one extended rollercoaster. Your eyes are fixed on the screen, and you feel in control of what’s going on.

There are also a bunch of power-ups, a total of four if I’m not mistaken, including a rocket jump boost that’s supposed to let you get over previously insurmountable obstacles. This was the developer’s idea of giving you more mileage out of the same levels. You get to a point in a level where you simply cannot move forward, so you have to backtrack and go elsewhere. Then, you unlock a power-up that, say, lets you move vertically, and you remember that there was a particularly tall wall that you couldn’t previously get over. So, you go back to it with your new power-up and dash over. This gives you a very nice sense of progression and success. You feel like you earned the power-up and the reward of using it to get to previously unreachable places.

The Future

If the many Steam reviews and comments are a credible source, then this game might eventually come back as a completed title. Until then, we’ve got the demo that unfortunately only gives us four unique sexual encounters and four unique abilities to unlock. The abilities I’m very happy about, but I need more ways to see the main character’s pussy get fucked.

That’s probably the hottest part of these kinds of games, the variety. It’s not about seeing one high-quality rendition of pussy; it’s about seeing retro pussy fucked in as many different ways as possible. It also puts you in this state of mind where you’re torn between winning and losing. If you win, you progress, but if you lose, you might see some new pussy penetration scene, so what do you do? Well, that’s up to you. Luckily, the demo is still freely available and easy to find on the net, so I’d suggest that you get your hands on it right away and try it out.

At the very least, I can guarantee that you’re looking at an hour of fun and possibly many hours of replaying parts of the amazing soundtrack. Seriously, consider yourselves warned. This soundtrack is so good that it will stay with you long after you play the game.