Xenotake

The original Metroid had hours of gameplay that ended with a very short scene in which the main character, Samus, takes her suit off, and you see her in an 8-bit bikini. The whole thing was 8-bit, by the way, not just the bikini. Anyways, my point is, that was the extent of smut we could expect to receive from a non-pornographic game back in the late 80s. Today, we don’t have to suffer that fate. We have independent porn game developers who take old concepts and add pussy to them. It’s kind of like a trope at this point, but I don’t care. Everything is better with extra pussy. I’m like that guy at every party that has to spike his own drink with a little bit of something extra. I spike everything in my life with extra pussy. It tastes better. Deal with it.

Let’s get back to Xenotake. This game draws a lot of inspiration from Metroid. You play as a human space marine who kicks alien butt, with a gun. I guess the technical term is shoots, but that doesn’t roll off the tongue as much as kicks. She’s hot, she’s got purple hair, and unlike Samus Aran, she doesn’t wear a helmet. Also, her tits are so ridiculously massive that her suit is literally tit shaped to accommodate. The woman is at least 30% tits, all around. She’s also got green eyes, but I doubt you’ll notice, because you’ll be staring at the rest of her at all times.

An Alien World

In this here side-scroller, you explore a very dangerous and mysterious alien planet that is actively trying to fuck you. I mean, the planet doesn’t literally sprout dicks out of the ground, but it comes close. Every single living thing on this entire fucking planet wants to either be inside you or eat you alive and then fuck you, in that order. You can’t judge these aliens too harshly as some of them don’t have dicks on the outside. They literally have to swallow you whole in order to penetrate you properly. It’s just the price of doing business.

There are also these giant mosquito looking motherfuckers who are just trying to get fed. They subsist on human milk, apparently, as they float around, trying desperately to latch onto your breasts and suck every last drop out of you. I never really got this in porn games, even though I’ve seen it a million times, so I gotta ask. Do women lactate like all the time? I don’t think they do. I think that’s like a pregnancy thing? Or maybe you need to be particularly hormonal in all the right ways? Either way, in porn games, when an alien latches onto your breast, you better have the common decency and respect to lactate. These motherfuckers are starving.

2D On a Rail

You’ll notice I called this game a side-scroller and not a platformer. It’s not that similar to Metroid in the gameplay. It’s more reminiscent because of the whole alien vibe. In gameplay, it’s much simpler than that. You don’t explore vast and complicated dungeons. You move from left to right and shoot things. That’s the extent of the gameplay. Personally, I prefer it this way. Why?

Well, because every single interaction with aliens on this world ends up with you being fucked in one of many original and spectacular ways. Every single alien has several different ways of fucking you. Most of these are quite fantastical. You get milked, sucked, fucked, swallowed, glazed, tortured, tied up, and utterly destroyed. Do you know how they say that once you go black, you never go back? Well, this here alien smashing heroine will never go back to human dick. She can’t. Her pussy has been forever tainted by giant alien tentacles. It’s just the price of doing business with aliens.

Unique Sucks and Fucks

Yeah, I’m gonna have to describe a bunch of the sex scenes in detail, because they’re that good. First up, we’ve got the mosquito looking fuckers I mentioned. They also have tentacles and several mouths, so they can milk both of your breasts at the same time. These don’t look very menacing, but they can do a lot of damage. Then, there’s this octopus looking freak that has a giant opening at the top of its head. It swallows you whole, head first, and licks your entire body all over with huge number of tongues that it has across its insides.

Then, we’ve got an Egyptian cat-good looking fucker with grey skin which simply penetrates you with his giant schlong. Very standard, very arousing. 10/10, would fuck again. Going back to the mosquitos, for a second. They can also lift you clear off the ground and tentacle rape your holes while you’re floating.

Further down the line, we’ve got leeches. These things will latch on to your entire body and suck … something, I don’t know what, straight out of your skin. It doesn’t look bloody; it just looks sexual. I’m ok with it. Then we’ve got a few simple encounters where you get bent over by gigantic behemoth looking fucks with giant cocks. These straight-up want to decimate your holes, and they’re very straightforward about their passion. They want to bend you over, plain and simple.

Then there are also the evil women in this game. They look human, and they want to bang you, but they don’t want to get their hands dirty. So, they tie you up using advanced machinery and fuck you using alien tentacles, by proxy. I’m guessing this is how BDSM will work in the near future, when we invent alien tentacles.

In the Middle of the Action

By now, it should be clear that every sexual encounter in this game is extremely unique. You don’t see the same thing twice. Shit’s constantly getting mixed up. Plus, there’s this other bitch, a dark-skinned redhead with tits that are even more massive than yours. She’s nice enough, and from what I gather, you’re supposed to save her, but if she gets captured, she too gets ravaged six ways to Sunday. There is just so much fucking in this game; it’s insane.

Plus, it never interrupts your gameplay. It’s inserted in between the fighting. When an enemy gets too close, or they manage to damage you, they grab you and fuck you. You don’t get a cinematic or a pause, the gameplay just sort of flows through the fucking. That’s my idea of a perfect porn game.

It’s kind of sad that you can’t play this game one-handed, because I would really appreciate having my other hand handy, if you know what I mean. But, I guess you can strap an automatic masturbator to your dick and play this game with both your hands, while you’re being serviced below. That’s what the field of robotics is all about. Pleasuring you while you just sort of dick around.

The Graphics

This game isn’t going to be winning any awards any time soon, as far as the art is concerned. It’s all kind of vanilla and cartoonish, but it’s consistent and original enough that it’s very satisfying to watch. I mean, yeah, it kind of looks like a B-movie level Saturday morning cartoon with mild hentai vibes, but the aliens are all original concepts that add a lot to the game’s novelty.

Plus, there are no reused assets or other dumb shit like that. Everything was drawn from scratch to fit the game. There’s also very little detail in the backgrounds, and I love this, because it means that most of the artist’s time was spent perfecting the smut. That’s how I like my smut, perfected.

Sound and Music

You get a fair bit of tunes in this game, and they’re mostly pretty good. It’s not the type of shit you’re gonna wanna put on your phone and listen to while you’re lifting weights at the gym, but it’s decent enough that it keeps you excited for the gameplay. It fits the mood of the game; it’s kind of futuristic, and overall, it does a great job of killing the silence.

As for the sounds, they’re pretty standard. Weapons go pew-pew, women go “ah” and “ooh”, and you feel properly immersed in the gameplay. I don’t need more sound from my porn games. As long as the bitches are screaming, my job is done. That’s an adage I apply to real life as well.

Xenotake is the perfect example of a porn game that stays within its wheelhouse. The art is serviceable, the chicks are hot, the aliens are unique, and you have a good time shooting around. This game won’t be breaking any records soon, but I can’t imagine anyone playing it and having a bad time. It’s free to play, after all, so make sure to grab it and have some fun.