Koihime Musou

There was a sort of unsung golden age for hentai visual novels that occurred almost 15 years ago, and it largely went by unnoticed by western hentai lovers. Now, if you’re a hentai lover and you know what I’m talking about, don’t get offended. My point is, there were so many high-quality hentai games that came out around the year 2007 that aren’t really that popular today, and they kind of deserve to be. I mean, our general perception of a hentai porn game these days is relatively low, especially among people who aren’t explicitly hentai fans.

Hentai visual novels are a dime a dozen on Steam these days, and it kind of grinds on me something fierce that it’s always a fucking dice toss in terms of quality. Will the game have a soundtrack? Maybe, if you’re lucky. Will the art be extremely polished and high resolution? Possibly. Will it be original or reuse assets? No idea. It’s always a fucking dice toss these days. But, back around the year 2007, these kinds of visual novels did not come out on Steam. They came out on store shelves, and a lot of them were made for Windows. None of that makes any sense to me. It doesn’t really sound like a profitable venture. But, I guess someone must have bought these things as they were rather successful. Now here I am, a decade later, telling you that you should go back and play these babies, because they’re basically precious antiques.

Romance of the Three Kingdoms

All right, time to nerd this shit up real quick. There’s this novel called Romance of the Three kingdoms, which tells the story of a very tumultuous period in Chinese history, during which a lot of war, famine, and general badassery went down. This period was apparently so cool and so inspiring that is Japan was motivated to profit on it, hundreds of years in the future, in present-day that is, with a ton of video games. There’s this long ass video game franchise in which you more or less just hit dudes in the face with a spear, called Dynasty Warriors.

Well, you can think of this here game as a porn tribute to that game. There were some women back then, and that should have been enough to smutify things, but the developers behind Koihime Musou saw this historical period and though: “Needs more breast”. I often find myself staring at things and thinking this exact same thought. We can always use more breasts.

Anyways, long story short, some of the dudes became chicks for this game, and everyone became way hornier. In times of war, pussy is a valuable commodity, but in Koihime Musou, it’s being thrown around left and right like there’s no tomorrow. So naturally, one of the most badass men in Chinese history, general Guan Yu, keeps his name in this game, except he’s a hot hentai babe. Just for reference, in real life, he was a chubby ass, ugly ass dude with a gigantic mustache. Artistic freedom is a real treat; what can I say?

Hentai Trope Extravaganza

So you might be thinking at this point that since this game is very serious and somber. You might be thinking that you play as some sort of serious warlord fellow, since this game takes place almost two thousand years ago on a fucking battlefield. Nah, fam. This is a Japanese video game. It doesn’t matter that it takes place in China – you will have your fucking hentai tropes, and you are going to like them.

So, let me retort, again, because this shit is hilarious to me. This game takes place in the second to third century of China on a battlefield, but it starts out in a modern-day school, and you play as a random-ass, no-personality-having dude-bro who’s just trying to get to class. That’s fucking retarded, but what are you gonna do. The Japanese porn industry is basically obsessed with having you identify as a school-boy. I am not a psychologist, but even I smell some issues there.

Back in Time

So after the obvious tropes are out of the way, your character discovers that there’s some sort of magic mirror in the school that is some sort of ancient relic. It gets destroyed by some random ass baddie who also attends your school. The destruction of the mirror sends you back in time to feudal China, and this doesn’t make any sense, but don’t think about it too much. Seriously, this is a porn game, don’t take it too seriously.

You arrive back in time, and you immediately get mugged. After which you are rescued by the aforementioned Guan Yu and his, sorry, her gigantic breasts. It’s a great way to start out your little excursion through time. You quickly descend into what I now like to refer to as “Standard Nutaku Gameplay”. You start off gathering bitches to build a harem while also battling gigantic armies of angry Chinese warlords. What’s not to love?

The Gameplay

The meat of this game comes in the form of a top-down strategy that has been watered down to its most basic components. You view the battlefield and the opposing army, and you decide what to do on your turn. One turn is basically one in-game day, and you are trying your best not to get plowed. You have a choice of not one, not two, but three different ways to attack the enemy, and every single choice counters the next. What does that sound like to you? Are you thinking it sounds an awful lot like rock-paper-scissors? Well, you’re right. That’s exactly what this gameplay is. It’s a glorified version of a basic ass pick-one-out-of-three casual game.

But, it flows nicely, and it doesn’t get grindy, and there are no RPG elements, so I guess I can’t complain. I mean, in a porn game, you either want to be taken on a sexually charged journey or just skip the combat and get to the pussy. It’s a nice compromise, all things considered. You fight your battles, you win, and then you get pussy as a reward.

It’s a Visual Novel

What, you weren’t expecting this? It’s a Japanese game in which you build a harem and romance bitches. Of course, it’s going to be a visual novel. Other than the combat, which is the only form of real interactive gameplay, you also get a linear story in the form of a visual novel. It drags on and fucking on, but it’s interesting enough to keep you semi-hard at all times. I wouldn’t say it’s enough to pop a full boner, because the nudity only really appears on screen during the actual sex scenes. But, it’s hot enough to keep you going, at least. I mean, you don’t have to stare at Guan Yu’s historically accurate moustache, so there’s that. Instead, he’s got tits. Good enough for me.

The visual novel basically progresses the story of your main character. He’s going to become affiliated with one of three armies, and you get to choose which one it will be. This is the extent of your involvement in the story, meaning you get to choose between three endings, and that’s about the whole point of the game. With each army, you get one pussy. Specifically, there are three bitches who are important generals, and you want to figure out which one’s got the most bang-worthy potential.

I personally didn’t give much of a shit. I just wanted to get to any ending and see some hot stuff. There were sex scenes along the way, but the ones towards the end of the game that can be considered the ending were the absolute hottest.

Quality Art, Sound and Smut

The smut in this game is of an extremely high quality, as is the rest of the art. Whoever drew these chicks and the backdrops really knew what they were doing. The combat part of the game is nice as well, but trust me when I say, you won’t give a crap. The visual novel parts, on the other hand, are so well drawn that you’ll want to stare at them for hours.

The chicks are also extremely hot, and every single one of them will have you at full mast. And, I haven’t even gotten to the best part yet. I mentioned that these old-school visual novels came with an unprecedented level of quality. Well, that includes but is not limited to voice acting. That’s right. This entire goddamn game is fully voiced. All the chicks straight up talk to you, throughout the game. They speak Japanese, but you have subtitles, so you can’t complain. Plus, Japanese chicks scream hotter than western chicks, and you know that’s a fact.

Your character isn’t voiced at all, but who cares? It’s more immersive to have you read out your lines silently, anyways. It lets you feel like you’re really there. So make sure to check out this old ass gem, because, in my opinion, it does everything right. If you’re in the market for a quality hentai visual novel, this is it.