Angry Bangers

AngryBangers! The majority of quality porn games are either a spin on an existing genre, or they’re entirely text-based because the developer had a unique story to tell. I like both of these, to be honest. I have no real preference, but, I like to give a huge shoutout to games that spin other games properly and manage to add smut in a way that doesn’t piss me off.

Like, I’ve seen a lot of smutty Tetris clones. These suck. You wanna know why? Because Tetris sucks. There, I said it. Tetris is boring. Adding tits to it doesn’t make it any better. But, today, we’re not talking about Tetris. We’re talking about XCom and also Angry Bangers, which is XCom with tits. And, before I dive into the technical stuff, let me just say, I love this game. I love what they’ve done with the concept, I love the smut within, and I love playing it all.

Some Background Info

I simply have to talk about XCom a little bit before we dive into this game, because so much of the innovative work that went into XCom is part of the bread and butter of Angry Bangers. Mind you; I’m not accusing this studio of ripping off that game. At this point, XCom is basically a genre that was pioneered back in the early 90s. There have been many new games in the same vein. I’ve yet to see a porn game with this style, though. It just works so fucking well.

The general idea is that you have an isometric grid, a single mission, and a team. You control them one by one, by moving them across the grid and giving them action commands. They can run, hide, shoot, use abilities, toss grenades. You get the picture. What makes this concept fascinating is the freedom you get in carrying out a mission that’s very linear. Your gameplay will always vary from everyone else’s. There’s no way to have the same experience twice.

All of the actions are calculated on the fly with simulated dice rolls. Wanna take a shot at 50 meters with an inexperienced pistol wielder? Fine. Your chances of hitting your shot are 33%. Will you make that shot? No idea. Roll the dice and find out. Sometimes, this will feel a bit like a scam, but it’s consistently random across the board. Your enemies also have percentage probabilities of making their shots, even though they’re AI, so you’re looking at an all-around crapfest for everyone.

Hot, Sexy Action

Let’s talk about Angry Bangers, specifically. You get all the XCom concepts and dice rolls, but in a much sexier, much manlier setting. This game was clearly made with dudes in mind, and I mean, you can’t be surprised about that. The smut, especially, is very manly. But, you get both male and female playable characters, and they’re all treated with what I like to call respect.

The chicks aren’t wearing thongs into battle. They get the same awesome gear that the dudes get, and everyone’s a powerful threat in this game. Your teammates are all very unique, but they’re all super cool. I feel like a 13-year-old boy playing with his action figures every time I fire up this game.

It’s all about explosions, gunshots, and taking down waves of baddies. It really gets the blood flowing. Now, I wouldn’t necessarily give a shit about all this, without the quality gameplay. I’m not an easy customer to sell to. But, this game has such perfectly polished gameplay that I literally can’t find one thing about it I don’t like.

Tons of Fun

Like XCom, this game comes with a subtle hint of RPG elements, especially in between missions. You decide what your teammates will wear and which ones you’ll send into combat. Keep in mind; they’re all different. Hell, Angry Bangers actually takes this a step further. These people don’t just have classes; they have unique personalities. Their special actions can mean the difference between life and death.

Take the girl from the tutorial as an example. The game was trying to show me how to use special abilities, so I had to use hers as an example. I pressed the button, and she unloaded a machine gun magazine across an arc, hitting a handful of enemies each for about 20% of their health points.

Knowing that I have her on my team, I will certainly feel hard-pressed to line enemies up into huge groups that she can whittle down with that special ability, and this will surely make things easier for my other characters. You see what I mean when I say this game is incredibly fun? It comes with challenges that basically write themselves.

These aren’t puzzle levels that have one solution, and you just have to find out what the developer had in mind. Fuck that noise. The levels are set up in advance, sure, but once they start, you’re on your own. You decide how you’re going to take care of things. You need to figure out unique ways to place your pawns across the battlefield and set up a scenario that works for you.

Being Sneaky

I have my own playstyle for these types of games, and I’ll share it with you. You might find it useful; you might find me to be a big pussy. When the round starts off, I immediately get all of my characters behind cover, preferably leaving some action points to shoot a shot at the enemies. I also try to position them in a way that they can’t take constant fire from the enemies, en masse.

I also try to space them out so that one character doesn’t get shot by three people. I want that damage spaced out. Preferably, your enemies should miss. You want to bait them out of cover so that they come out in the open. Sometimes, this won’t be an option.

In cases when I flat out have to take enemies head-on, I try to at least hug the edge of the map or a wall to minimize the amount of shots I take to the face. But that’s just how I like to do things. I avoid melee unless it’s a sure kill at the end of the round, but you don’t necessarily have to do that. You could run in guns a blazing if it’s more fun for you. I won’t judge you. There is no wrong way to play this game.

Micro-Transactions

With any great free game that has a ton of quality gameplay, you’re going to have micro-transactions that keep it afloat. You can spend as much real money on this game as you’d like. It helps a ton. You don’t necessarily need to; it’s not like you’re going to have problems handling the gameplay without spending real cash. Still, it’s nice to buy yourself powerful new items, especially when you get to use them in combat.

They also made sure to add a feature that lets you piss away your hard-earned cash, as is tradition with free online porn games. You can literally gamble your in-game currency in this game, for the promise of some incredible items and in-game goodies. Just remember to be responsible, especially if you used real money to buy in-game currency. Don’t piss too much of it away.

The Smut

I haven’t had a chance to dive deep into this game’s smut, since there’s so much gameplay to enjoy, I genuinely didn’t care as much as I should have about jacking off. I’ll admit, I didn’t jack off to this game, but I probably will in the future.

The smut I’ve seen so far was part of my victory scenes, in between the levels. I’ll admit, it was really hot and extremely well-drawn, but hopefully, there’s more to it than just the splash screens. The rest of the smut can be found throughout the game, in the form of adult vibes. There are adult jokes and references throughout the game, but unfortunately, there’s no real sexy nudity in the actual combat.

I guess you could make the argument that the game is so ridiculously fun that it doesn’t really need any nudity within the combat, but I don’t think it would have hurt to pepper it with a few more naked titties here and there.

I can’t recommend this game enough on the quality of gameplay alone. I might be a bit biased, since I love XCom, and I’d play damn near any game that is even remotely similar to that one. You might dislike this game if you’re not a fan of top-down strategy, or if you hate turn-based combat. Still, I urge you to try it out, because it really is well made, properly polished, and it runs great on PC despite being a browser title. They also happen to have an Android port, so maybe you’ll prefer that. It could be a great way to pass the time during your commute.