Kamidori Alchemy Meister

Reviewing this game is going to give me an ulcer, I can feel it. I’m a porn reviewer, not a game reviewer. If I ran a regular review site, I wouldn’t be bitching. But, my general rule is that if a game has any real smut in it, then I have to review it, because it is technically a smut game. Well, technically is the right word here.

Imagine you order chocolate ice cream, and you get a barrel full of vanilla pudding instead, but some sneaky bastard crammed a chocolate chip in the middle of it, and you have to find it. And the only way to find it is to spoon your way through a gallon of vanilla pudding. And then, when you get to the chocolate chip, with your belly full and your expectations low, it actually turns out to be a damn tasty chip. So you order another barrel. And your torment continues. That’s this game. A wonderful clusterfuck of many hours of tasty and delicious video game mechanics and about a few seconds worth of smut, hidden somewhere within.

Prospecting for Smut

I’ve heard a lot of stories about old-timey prospectors who’d literally shave the surface of stones in hopes of maybe, just maybe, finding a speck of gold somewhere within. That’s what I did with this game. Never mind that finding a copy of this game was a fucking nightmare, I managed to do it and fired it up. Then, I dove face-first into the story.

It was interesting, it was intricate, and there were a lot of bitches. Most of them were pretty damn hot, so as you can imagine, I whipped out my 12-inch anaconda and eagerly clicked through the dialogue, hoping to get to the good stuff. Then, the combat happened, and I immediately went limp.

After a grueling hour of trying to understand the entire point of this gameplay, I realized that I had just spent four orgasms worth of time just waiting for the good stuff. But, I told myself, I’m the best porn game reviewer in the world. I have to press on. I have to find the smut. For you. For me. For the good of humanity. So I kept playing.

Finding a Speck of Gold

Three hours into the game, I had gone completely dry. My attention span was at an all-time low, my cock was damn near atrophied, and my dreams and hopes were crushed. Any expectation of finding a smut scene or two was gone. I had begun to think that maybe someone had played a prank on me and gotten me to play a video game with literally no smut in it. I thought that maybe I had turned into a nerd – playing video games for fun instead of faps, and then it happened.

I saw the first smut scene, and it was glorious. It only lasted for a few seconds, but it was brilliant, and I felt like those hours of gameplay were finally worth it. That is until the game launched me back into combat, and I promptly yeeted my laptop out the window.

The Combat

All right, fine, I’ll talk about the goddamn combat. Disclaimer: It is not at all hot, and there are no titties. There. Are you happy? Other than that, the combat is actually… well, it pains me to admit it, but it’s one of the best combat systems I’ve ever seen in an RPG. It’s got an extreme old-school vibe to it, and it’s very original. Instead of moving around the map until you run into an encounter, monsters are already visible when you enter a new zone.

You control all of your party characters separately, and you can move them around individually. When they walk into an enemy or when an enemy touches them, they duke it out immediately, and one of them wins the fight. There’s no turn-based combat with attacks and skills or what have you. They duke it out and move on, immediately. I loved this concept. It felt more like playing advanced chess than an RPG, and it was much more fun than the average RPGs I’ve played in the past.

Simple RPG Fanfare

Even though this game comes with a loaded story with a few branching story decisions, you’re mostly left to your own devices. You decide how to progress the actual gameplay. You have your average Joe; whose name I can’t fucking remember even though I must have read it over a thousand times. I’ll just call him Joe. So, Joe is a freshly graduated alchemist, and he’s trying hard to prove himself in this dangerous world of demons and horny enchantresses.

To that end, he has to assemble a harem of bitches who will fight alongside him. You get the standard non-sense of upgrading your characters, equipping them with different items and weapons, and, of course, taking them out into the world in order to depopulate entire forest and dungeon regions. What’s an RPG without a little genocide, am I right?

Strategy Elements

There are also a few strategy elements that keep the game super interesting. You have a base that you can upgrade and prepare defensively. You can use that base of operations to sell items for cash and even appoint someone to take care of it while you’re gone.

You have to be careful, though, since when you set out in the world to perform your various monster genocides, you are essentially abandoning your base. If it’s not properly defended, you run the risk of it getting ransacked by enemies who flank you and decide your base is a better target than you are.

I liked this concept thrown into the mix, because it offsets what would otherwise be a repetitive combat simulator. I don’t like killing swarms of enemies. I’m a lover, not a fighter.

The Pussy Floodgates

I mentioned that it took me hours before I saw a single titty on screen. It might take you even longer, depending on how much you enjoy the combat. I was basically speedrunning this bad boy in order to get to the good stuff. The good news is that this game works a lot like a real woman does when it comes to pussy. Once you see it once, you pretty much have it guaranteed three times a day, every day, until you get bored of it.

Same thing here. Once you get to the first sex scene, the game starts showering you in pussy. You get to fuck damn near every important female character in the entire game. And, it doesn’t stop there. What about the male characters? Oh, don’t worry, there are no gay scenes. Instead, you can alchemy away the peen and turn them into chicks. That way, it’s not gay at all.

Main Pussy Brigade

Even though you can plow your way through an army of pussy across every single species that appears in this game, there are three important chicks that are considered important plot elements. Their pussy is elevated to plot-relevant status, so you gotta be careful about which one of them you decide to romance.

I like to call them Creepy, Boring, and Jailbait. They have real proper Japanese names, but again, I can’t be assed to remember them, so we’ll go with my names. They’re better and far more descriptive of what you can expect to see.

Creepy is an absolute nightmare of a woman who, when she isn’t freaking you the fuck out with confusing, ominous dialogue, is drooling over the idea of eating an actual live cat. Yes, this bitch straight up held a cat like a hamburger, talking about how delicious it looks. That’s the level of insanity we’re dealing with. But, Creepy’s got the best ass in the game so, take it or leave it.

Boring is an ancient elf bitch who also happens to be a virgin. She pledges herself to you, which sounds an awful lot like marriage to me. That’s why we call her boring. But, she’s hot as shit, so I give her a pass.

Then there’s Jailbait, and I honestly don’t know what to think about this one. She’s … well, she’s an adult. We know that much. But she doesn’t look like an adult. No, not even close. Let’s just say that she literally hasn’t grown any tits yet, and you understand what I’m talking about. You’ll see what I mean when you play the game. I have no idea what they were thinking when they designed Jailbait.

Finding a copy of this game is going to be a nightmare, but if you manage to pull it off, I hope you’re a man of patience. Getting to the smut in this game is going to take forever, but at least the RPG gameplay mechanics are an absolute gem.