HentaiVerse

Hentai Verse! I don’t think I’ll ever stop being stunned seeing the kind of shit people consider enjoyable, especially on the internet. I used to know some kids back when I was younger who enjoyed throwing stones at each other’s heads, and I remember thinking: it will certainly get better when we grow up. Surely, adults can’t be this dumb. Indeed, people grow up to have some common sense and don’t waste their time idly banging their heads against walls or throwing stones at each other when they’re fully matured, adults. But, boy, was I wrong. None of my expectations prepared me for what I saw on HentaiVerse. And just to be clear, this is both a website and a video game, all rolled into one, but I’m trying to review it as, well, I don’t even know what I’m trying to review it as because I haven’t the slightest fucking idea what I’m looking at.

Look, I’ll level with you. I’m not the most tech-savvy guy in the world, but I can handle video games and websites. These are two things I know a lot about, ok? I’ve been working with websites for God knows how many years, and I’ve been playing porn games since I could read. And of course, that was a very long fucking time ago. I usually just look for the nipples and go from there. Anyways, there are no nipples on HentaiVerse. Come to think of it, there’s next to nothing on HentaiVerse, and at the same time, there’s a fully fleshed-out video game that is entirely backed up by a forum of loyal fans who are eagerly awaiting future updates for this free online browser game. I am beside myself at this point. Never in my life have I ever seen something so cryptically boring. Maybe I’m just not playing it right. Perhaps I’ve gone insane, and this is the best porn game known to man. I doubt it, though. A porn game with absolutely no graphics and no substance is no porn game at all. At best, this must be some sort of intricate pyramid scheme.

<h3>Grind, Grind, Grind</h3>

Let me run you through my first 30 minutes on HentaiVerse. I came to the site and had to make an account with the adjoined forum. I figured, no problem. A free account is a free account—no skin off my bones. Once I logged in, I was greeted by a character screen showing all the stats for my RPG character. Well, I had zeroes across the board, no strength, no intelligence, no luck, and most of all, no pussy. But there wasn’t even a field for the pussy. In fact, there was no sign that this was a porn game whatsoever. And yet, it’s on a hentai forum being backed by some of the greatest perverts known to man. I don’t understand what I’m missing.

I figured I might as well play the game before I started complaining about it, so I started clicking randomly to see what kind of options were available. Well, since my character was entirely new, I had zero credits to my name, so I couldn’t buy anything from the store. The store was selling a bunch of different weapons of varying prices, but it was clear to me that they were far out of my reach for the time being. So, I dove into the combat menu, where I could choose the types of combat I’d like to engage in. The game made it clear that I could only try specific kinds of combats for certain numbers of times a day, depending on the activity in question. So, some dungeons are daily, and you have to keep coming back for more. I get it; this is the gimmick they use to keep you coming back for more. I can deal with that. No problem.

<h3>Fighting Text Monsters</h3>

I dove into the most basic kind of dungeon and spammed the fight button until everything I clicked on died. Then, the next round started. It’s important to note that at this point, I was fighting imps and sperm whales. And by the way, the word sperm in sperm whale was about as close to sexual innuendo as this game got across the thirty minutes I played it. So, I murdered some local fauna for a little bit, but the critters just kept coming. Then, I realized I was getting low on health. So, not wanting to back out like a little bitch, I pressed on the other available buttons to see if there was some way to heal myself. Unfortunately, I didn’t have any potions in stock. Remember, this was a new empty character with no rags to his name, let alone health potions. So I pressed the defend button, and lo and behold, not only did that prevent the damage that was coming in, but it also healed me back to full health. So, I started swinging again.

I must have beaten over fifty different random critters when I realized that I had a good chunk of money gathered in my inventory. It was time to go to the shop, except I could still not afford any of the listed items. And, it’s not like it fucking mattered. To this point, I had been beating everything the game threw at me, even when there were multiple enemies at a time, all with my bare fists. If a fight got too tough, I just spammed the defend button, and then I was back to full health. So what was the point of even buying weapons? I asked myself, having an existential crisis staring at this game that made no sense to me.

<h3>And Then More Monsters</h3>

Anyways, I dredged on and tried some of the more demanding challenges. These were not hard at all. They were equally repetitive and boring as everything else in this so-called game. There are so many things that bother me about HentaiVerse that I can’t put it all into words. First of all, the whole game is textual. All right, I can get past that. Most of the Degrees of Lewdity is textual, and I loved that game. But none of this text is sexy. Come to think of it, none of anything on the entire site is sexy. There aren’t even female creatures to fight as far as I can tell. Maybe I’m supposed to brave through all the dudes and imps, and eventually, I’ll be rewarded with a pin-up image of a hot hentai babe or something. I don’t fucking know. From what I can tell, there’s literally no incentive to play this game. I literally could not pop a boner on this site if I tried. A penile supplement and a pump couldn’t get me hard while playing this game. That’s how dry the damn thing is.

You just press buttons over and over again while creatures die, and you get experience points and money. I don’t know whose idea this was, but it certainly isn’t my idea of a fun experience. I can think of a million things I’d rather be doing than playing this shit-ass non-game. Hell, I’d rather listen to women whine about their problems than play this game. That’s how you know I’m serious. I hate listening to women talk. It’s like nails on a chalkboard. Women’s mouths are for cock. But I digress. Let’s get back to brass tacks.

<h3>The Forum Loves It, For Some Reason</h3>

For reasons that are utterly beyond me, this game has a massive following on the adjoined hentai forum, namely e-Hentai. There are hundreds of people who are constantly talking about updates to the game. They seem to care very deeply about the new content coming out, and they discuss the patch notes with the same passion that I discuss pussy. I don’t understand what these people are smoking, but whatever it is, it can’t be good for their overall libido. <strong>They’re getting excited over a textual RPG that features literally no pussy whatsoever</strong>.

Maybe this is all one big inside joke, and I’m the one with an egg on my face. Hell, I’d love it if that were the case, and I dare any fans of HentaiVerse to prove me wrong. Show me why this is the greatest porn game that I brutally misunderstood. Show me where the actual pussy lies, and I’ll give you my balls on a platter as a sign of repentance. At this point, however, I’m just going to continue believing that this entire fucking game is just one big inside joke and that no one should ever play it for whatever reason other than just to enjoy some casual textual RPG combat.