Zelda Moans Of The Kingdom

I’m all for it. I love fapping to Zelda. I don’t get people’s fascination with Purah, the little shrunken character, but tits are tits and I’m down to clown, especially when you make it clear which buttons I should be pressing. Moans of the Kingdom is … passable. It’s been on my list for a couple of days and I finally got around to it. Suffice it to say, it did not provide a very warm welcome. A while back I reviewed Purah’s Lab, by the same developers, and even though I had a lot to complain about, I didn’t find it nearly as annoying as Moans of the Kingdom. 

It's clear that this studio has a very specific business model in mind and they’re going to be milking it for an annoyingly long time. They started with two very hot models for Purah and Zelda and they decided that the best way to milk the cum out of you with them would be to slap annoying half-gameplay on top of the nudes. Honestly, if they just gave me the 3D models, I’d fap to them much better if they were t-posing in Blender. This is just… tedious. 

A Lukewarm Welcome

I came, I saw, I chose to play online. I had the option of downloading the game, but I didn’t feel like it. Part of the appeal of short porn games is that they run in-browser. This game was made in Unity, so there’s a lot of overhead. I was told that the game would work a lot better locally and that I should consider that instead. I was told this in broken English. “Your browser could run bad the game”. Blew my mind. How do you manage to figure out C#, then fail at basic English? I get it, these guys aren’t westerners. I don’t judge them for that. But they could have just used Google Translate for one fucking sentence and it would have come out better.

Anyways, I think they were onto something with the whole local download instead of online play, but I’ll get into that later. For the time being, I’ll admit, it ran fine online. I got into the game. I didn’t actually know what kind of gameplay to expect. Coming from Purah’s Lab, I thought I’d have to click around some random Zelda art. No joy. It was way worse. They made a rhythm game, a-la Guitar Hero, with two buttons. So, two guitar strings, one to the left, one to the right. The prompts come in and you press to the beat. Not too bad. I’ve played games like this before. They’re far from my favorite, but if a chick on screen is stripping, then I can see the appeal.  

What The Fuck is This Music?

Brazilian rap? Portuguese trap pop? I don’t know. It ain’t my jam. I’m not exactly known for my music taste, but second-rate Portuguese hits that I’ve never heard of isn’t exactly my go-to jam for fap sessions. I can understand some instrumental backtracks to keep the game going, but this is absurd. It ruined my boner before I even had one. The song was atrocious. Add to that the fact that I failed the level and had to start over and, well, you can see why I’m in a bad mood. It turns out I didn’t technically have to start over then and there, but I missed the option. There were alternatives. Oh boy, were there some amazing sexy alternatives. And that’s when I figured out the catch.

You see, I was wondering why they would bother making a game like this in Unity. The chick in the background might be an animated 3D model, but she can be pre-rendered. Chances are she already is. I can’t tell, because there’s no way to interact with her. Either way, you can easily make this game in a simpler engine. Hell, you can code it for a toaster. Instead, they went with Unity and I think I know why – the Unity Ad revenue program. Unity has an option that lets devs shove ads into their games and use them as a form of currency. Like, if you were playing Super Mario and you lost your last life. You could get the option to respawn one more time and try again, if you watch an ad. Unity pulls the ads in from the internet at random, so you never know what kind of nonsense you’re going to watch.

Stuck Between Ads and Shit Gameplay

The ads, that’s what I missed the first time. Apparently, I could have just chosen to watch an ad when I fucked up, and then the song would continue. Once I figured this out, I easily made it to level two. The second track was not Brazilian hip hop, it was standard ear-piercing drum and bass. Yay me. This game is testing my patience. Keep in mind, the entire time, I’m pressing A and D, to the rhythm of a shit song that I’d rather not be listening to, while a chick is dancing in the background. The chick is hot, sure, but she’s also blurry and kind of boring. I mean, it’s a 3D model of Zelda. You can see it in the screenshots. It’s not exactly my idea of a drop-dead gorgeous babe. It’s just second-rate drawn titties. I’m equal parts mad and sad.

The reason why I kept failing the stupid gameplay is also really dumb. I played a lot of Guitar Hero back in the day. I’m no expert, but I can handle a fucking beat. I can also play some instruments, like the pussy, the clitoris harp and the asshole tuba. I can hold a beat. Trust me. This game is off. Either the song is off or the buttons are off. I tried relying on the actual song for the clicking times, and I kept failing miserably. I had to just use my eyes, for the prompts, while the song in the background was ever-so-slightly off beat, pissing me off and confusing my brain. Somewhere in-between this torture, I was supposed to have a boner. I forgot. I was busy surviving.

They Want Money

Wanna skip the stupid gameplay and just see the pussy? You have to pay for that. Wanna check out the alternative versions of the featured babes? You have to pay for that. Would you like to perhaps not watch annoying ads of other people’s safe-for-work games that you don’t give a crap about while also being able to play this game for more than two minutes at a time? You have to pay for that. Yeah, these guys are really down to advertise their fucking Patreon. Donate to them and you might just be able to jack off to this piece of shit game for more than five minutes at a time without having to have a fucking stroke. 

I don’t mind that they’re trying to get paid. Everyone deserves to earn a living, especially in return for hard work, but this game feels half assed as fuck. All the decisions are baffling. Why the niche Brazilian music? Why the off-beat button presses? Why Unity? The whole thing is an exercise at futility. The idea is there. The smut is hot, in theory, but the way that all the parts are put together makes me angry, not horny. 

Maybe Someday

These kinds of games always follow a rolling release, even when they’re technically finished. In theory, this game could be improved, fixed, patched and otherwise made enjoyable by the developers, if they want to do that. For the time being, the game’s a mess. You can see it in the comments section. People aren’t praising, they’re complaining. And it’s not even like they’re being bitchy – they have actual complaints. <strong>They point out the graphics are low res; the music is compressed to hell and other such bullshit that makes this game a steaming pile of shit</strong>.

For reference, their other title, Purah’s Lab, was nowhere near this bad. I had a lot more fun in that one. Plus, that one had the girl stripping, level by level, making me feel like I’ve earned the progress. This game gives you the pussy right off the bat, but you’re too busy focusing on the damn timed button presses to enjoy any of it. The whole thing’s a clusterfuck. If you’re considering playing Moans of the Kingdom, consider again, then reconsider. It’s highly unlikely that you pop a half-chub. Then again, the game is free so by all means, risk it. I won’t hold it against you.