Sakura Clicker

Well, I can’t talk about Sakura Clicker without first talking about Cookie Clicker. Those are the rules. If you don’t like it, you can get the fuck out. Or, just skip a few paragraphs until I get to actually talking about Sakura Clicker. I have to cover the basics, and the truth is Cookie Clicker invented this genre, and everyone else who came after has pretty much been coasting on their success. To be fair, Cookie Clicker was the first serious game in this genre, but not the first overall. The very first was called Cow Clicker, and it was made as a joke. Then, the fellow behind Cookie Clicker figured that this joke of a format works great when it’s done unironically, and lo and behold, he’s rich now.

There’s something about these kinds of idle clicking games that appeals to people’s general need to accrue more points or more money. It’s like a casino in which you only win, but you have to keep coming back to collect your money and buy more things that eventually net you even more money. In that sense, clicker games are a lot like porn games in general. I mean, the point of a porn game in which you build up a harem is to get points to get more girls for your harem. Rinse and repeat. However, in those games, you also get to jack off, so there’s a lateral reward system. You can’t bang a cookie. You can, however, jack off to naked hentai babes who are screaming obscenities at you, while you click on them for hours on end. That’s roughly where we are with Sakura clicker. It’s Cookie Clicker, with boobs. It’s a clicker game that can and will get you off, provided you click hard enough.

Tons of Titties

The general idea behind Sakura Clicker is that you unlock hentai babes that serve as your fighters. You use them to win fights against other hentai babes, and then you use the coins that this unlocked to get even more hentai babes. The cycle repeats itself. It’s not like you have to actually perform any combat gameplay. This is not a fighting game or an RPG. The girls do very little besides stand down the middle of your screen, screaming pleasure moans at you. Still, they’re the lifeblood of your collection, and you need them in order to … unlock more of them. It’s like a kleptomania game for people who can’t help but put women in their pockets.

You might have a teeny tiny problem with this game if you don’t live alone, though. Or, you’ll just play the damn game with the sound turned way down. You see, this is a game in which you are encouraged to click on hentai babes as quickly as possible, as much as possible. Except, every time you click them, they scream out in pleasure moans. It’s the standard “Yamete, hentai, senpai” bullshit you’ve heard in a million hentai productions already, but it gets old pretty fast. Sure, it’s nice while you’re fapping, but all the time? It gets old quick.

Unlocking Shit

In Cookie Clicker, you could use the money you’ve earned from selling cookies to purchase a grandma. The grandma would make cookies passively, forever. That game was basically a grandma purgatory. Since you could purchase thousands of them, I would assume that those are not all your grandmas, but the collective grandmas of other people that have died and gotten stuck in this phase between life and heaven. They’re going to be spending every waking second of their afterlife making cookies for you, and these will net you money even when you’re not actively playing the game.

You get a similar spiel with Sakura Clicker, except instead of purchasing grandmothers, you upgrade the chicks you already own. The general idea is that once you unlock a girl, she starts making money for you by beating up other girls for you, passively. But, she’s weak. You are stronger by default. That is, your mouse-clicking finger is stronger by default. But, you can’t get very far on clicking alone. You need passive combat income.

That’s where the upgrades come in. You get yourself money by beating up hentai babes; then you use that money to upgrade the chicks you already own. They, in turn, do the clicking for you, far better than you ever could, and the cycle repeats itself over and over, for eternity. I really can’t downplay the endless factor when it comes to this game. The fun never stops.

Bad Reviews

This game is available on Steam, and I always love reviewing games on that platform because I can see what other people have to say. More often than not, they tell me things that I wouldn’t be able to figure out without dumping hundreds of hours into a game. It’s not that I don’t play the games I review, because I do. It’s just that, these people have communities that have insider information on how all the games work, so I learn things that I wouldn’t otherwise have access to. Like, for instance, how the game has changed across previous updates.

That’s exactly what I’d like to tell you about. I’ve seen a ton of reviews for this game that all say the same thing. Apparently, this game used to be great back in the day, then one update ruined everything by compressing the upgrade paths for the girls down to a point where all of the players’ progress became utterly pointless.

Let me explain what I mean. In these kinds of incremental games, every single upgrade like a new bitch or an unlocked item is supposed to guarantee you an increase in productivity. You get more money the more you click, basically. However, no single game can define the amount by which your productivity increments. Games like Adventure Capitalist like to keep things exponential, so you’re constantly making tens of times more than you were previously.

Apparently, Sakura Clicker used to be linear from the get-go, which means that you ramp up progress very slowly, but it wasn’t too slow for comfort. The diehard fans of this game are certain that the game was quite fair before until one ill-fated patch squashed the linear progression so low that the game now feels unfair and punishing. I am surprised by this since the actual numbers in incremental games don’t really mean anything. The only reason I can think of as to why they’d do something like this is that they found people were unlocking content faster than they could insert new bitches into the game and so they needed to punish everyone by slowing them down. Either way, it’s a real dick move.

Tight Graphics and Nude Hentai Babes

The graphics to this game are 10/10, would recommend, to put it as simply as possible. I am not entirely sure why Steam insists on censoring every little bit of nudity in porn games, when they’re fine allowing proper nudity in non-pornographic games. None of this shit makes any sense to me. Some games get away with actual sex, other games, like Sakura Clicker, don’t even get nude titties. It boggles my mind.

Anyways, to fix this game and take it from a zero to a ten really quickly, find the nude patch in the Steam discussions and plop it into your game folder. I genuinely do not know why you would even attempt to play this thing without the nude patch. Do you like masturbating to fully clothed 2D hentai babes, because I sure don’t. Get the nude mod, and do yourself a favor. It literally makes the game playable in my book.

If they were charging for this game on Steam, we would be having a very different conversation right now. Charging for a pastime of this scope is kind of unfair. Plus, the Steam version doesn’t even have nudity by default. It would be an absolute travesty if they tried to get you to pay money for this shit.

But alas, this game is completely free, so here I am, recommending it to you. It’s an incremental clicker game with tons of hentai tits in it. What’s not to love? I mean, sure, you could just play AdVenture Capitalist, like a nerd, or you could play roughly the exact same fucking game, but with tits in it. I’d like to think that it’s a no brainer. Get your hands on Sakura Clicker. It doesn’t take up a lot of storage space, and I’m willing to bet that it would run just fine on a potato. Plus, if you stay away from the nudity mod, the game has a ton of paid DLC outfits, if you’re into that sort of thing.