Yareel

If you’re about my age, then you probably spent a portion of your childhood or teen years playing The Sims. That game was everyone’s favorite for some reason. I remember people who used to play FIFA and people who liked Half-Life jumped on The Sims like it was the next big thing in action sports games. It was mostly a game about not setting your dumb ass on fire or wetting yourself in public, though. I don’t know why it was so popular, but I’ll admit it was my guilty pleasure. My favorite part, though, was trying to cheat my way around the censorship blur that appears when your Sims are butt naked. Don’t judge me; I was young, foolish, and horny. And also, getting rid of the censor blurs is pointless because the chicks don’t even have nipples. What the fuck is that about?

Simulated Suck and Fuck

Fast forward a decade and a half, and you’ve got Yareel, which is exactly like The Sims, except without the house building, bill paying, marriage, and talking to women. Ok, well, there’s some talking to women, but I’ll get to that. The point is, you can fuck people in this game. You can fuck any way you want to, with tons of options and variety. They’ve got a shit ton of content that lets you spice things up in the bedroom, and a lot of it is very true to life. As someone who’s had a lot of sex, I can testify that this game is pretty goddamn realistic.

It’s basically a sex simulator in which you spend most of your time in the bedroom. It’s also completely multiplayer; there are no bots. That means that you can only fuck real people, which is sort of the point, right? This does make things a bit difficult, because you have to actually talk to women on the internet, which is almost as fucked up as talking to them in real life. Plus, you can’t even buy them a drink and wait until their standards drop. But, unlike in real life, you can be hot in this game, and you don’t even have to work out. All you’re really missing is the basic ability to talk to women without making an ass of yourself. I wish I had the time to tutor you, but I’ll just give you a few hints to get you started.

Picking Up Virtual Chicks

Rule number one: Don’t talk about your dick. They know that your dick is pretty much the biggest that the game allows, so there’s no need to boast about it. They also know that you’re trying to get them into bed, so skip that part too. Talk about subtle shit, like your likes and dislikes, but keep it a tiny bit erotic. For some reason that I do not understand, women really love talking about sex in roundabout ways. They don’t like just being approached and propositioned; they want to pretend that in actuality, no sex is going to happen, and you’re just having a raunchy chat. I sometimes feel like women are allergic to just speaking their minds. They act like it would kill them to just ask for dick, get dick, and get the fuck out. It’s really not that hard.

On the other hand, if you’re looking for a female avatar to bang, but you don’t care about the person behind it being an actual woman, then you just find yourself a female in this game who’s acting like a dude. Chances are it is a dude, and you don’t really have to think about what you’re saying at all. Dudes are desperate. You should be familiar with that feeling by now. Just roll up, say hi, and keep responding to their bullshit questions until they offer to fuck.

Tons of Sex Toys

So what do you actually do when you get a person back to the bedroom? Well, you fuck them. Better yet, you break out your giant fucking inventory of sex toys in varying sizes and try to stuff the other person like a Thanksgiving turkey. It’s less about imagination and more about trying to push the limits of what the human asshole can take. But, these are 3D rendered assholes, so there’s zero chance of tearing or prolapse. So, you might as well shove your biggest toys up every hole you can get your hands on.

There’s a huge selection of toys, clothes, and some additional goodies to make your experience all the less cringy. Plus, they’re going the freemium route of not charging you to play this game at all. That’s right; the game is available to everyone who can run it. And, with dirt low minimum requirements, that’s pretty much anyone who had the foresight to buy a Windows PC. But, they have to make money somehow, so they let you pay over and over again for more and more cosmetic items. Well, sort of cosmetic. I mean, you can fuck the person you’re with without using any items.

You don’t really need items for sex. But, if you want to leave a good impression, you might need a diamond-studded butt plug, or the girl might just refuse to give you anal. I’m just assuming that’s how it might go. Usually, when I tell girls my name, their panties just magically drop. But, if that doesn’t work for you, drop some hard cash into the game and try again. It’s optional, but it might help add some feathers to your virtual peacock.

Great Graphics

I’ve seen a few other video games that give you this gigantic multiplayer approach to online fuckery, and they’re all pretty great in their own little ways. Some go for realism; others try to crank up the art, and there’s a lot of mixing and matching that goes around. Normally, these studios can’t afford to pay a ton of money for both a boob animator and a cock sculptor, so they’ll just pick one. I’m turning a phrase, but you get what I mean.

Yareel is definitely one of those games that goes for next-gen models that look nice on screen, instead of trying to iron out every vein on your virtual erection. There’s none of that retro attention to detail that makes older games look a bit like an uncanny valley nightmare. That’s actually why I compared this game to The Sims. Well, that and the fact that they’re both simulation games. The people in The Sims were very plastic, like Barbie dolls. You get the same thing with Yareel. Everyone is smooth all-over. Except, unlike Barbies and Kens, these people actually have functioning genitals between their legs.

Other Technical Stuff

The game is available entirely in your browser through the free Unity plugin that’s pretty much compatible with Chrome by default. It works really great and only really loads once, so that’s nice. Plus, if you’re the kind of madman who wants to find a virtual girlfriend and fuck her while you also happen to be on public transportation in the real world, then you get can Yareel on your phone. Just imagine that, you can fuck random bitches, while you stare at other random bitches on the bus. It’s the pervert’s dream come true. Just be sure not to jizz in your pants. That might ruin the rest of your day.

I should probably mention that even though this game is built around text chatting people so that you get to know them and eventually fuck them, the text chat in this game is bugged to hell. I can’t believe that they didn’t think to test the one feature that you’d need to use the most, I mean, after the butt fucking.

Naturally, they have a VIP solution that addresses the problem. VIP users can use voice chat. I can just imagine how that would go. You’ll meet a super-hot cutie, hit it off, make some small talk, bring her back to your place and hop onto the voice chat. And then, a dude’s voice, deeper than yours, comes through your headphones saying, “Oh yeah, baby. Just like that”. It sounds like a fucking nightmare. But who knows, you might actually find a real woman. Unlike their tits and asses, most women’s voices are actually really hot. The genetic lottery is more merciful there. On Yareel, they can fix their ugliness, but they don’t have to tweak their voices. They’re a perfectly bangable combination, if I do say so myself.

So for those reasons and more, check out Yareel if you’re looking for a proper sex simulator without a lot of fuss. Finding the right person to bang is a challenge, but it’s just human nature. This is a perfect simulator. The odds are not in your favor or against it. It’s just natural selection, except you can pretend that you actually have a giant penis and chiseled abs. It’s like real life, but on easy mode.