OverWatch Porn Game

Here we are again, playing with Overwatch babes and feeling general malaise. The Overwatch babes are probably Blizzard’s greatest accomplishment to date since they invented Zerg boobies. Sarah Kerrigan can get this dick. The chicks are obviously copyrighted so they can’t be used all willy nilly by indie game developers, if they want to turn a profit. That's why the boys behind OverwatchingPorn named their website what they did. It’s different enough to not get sued. I’m sure Blizzard will notice eventually, but hey, who gives a shit? It’s not my problem. I’m here to fap. Bottom line, this is apparently a legitimate company that charges you money to allow you to play with Overwatch babes. Oh and in true copyright evading fashion, none of the babes have their real names. 

This game, if you can call it that, took me on a small but painful whirlwind of emotional disappointment. At first, I thought I was looking at a quality 3D video game that would finally let me experience some much needed sex with Overwatch babes. To say that they underdelivered would be an understatement. There’s some smut in here, to be sure and if you’re a diehard Overwatch fan, you should check it out. But, I doubt you’re going to be hooked on this shit for long and I sincerely doubt that this shit is worth paying for.

A Minefield of Shit

Trying to get into this so called game was a nightmare. First up, I had to pay for a subscription, which I did. Then, I had to log in. So far so good, except, I couldn’t find the damn login. I saw a part of the site that let me put in my name and password, but then I got booted to an account screen. I pressed the bookmark up top, which usually works, but that didn’t do it. I got booted out. Why? I already logged in. Logically, I should remain logged in if I jump into a link on the damn site. Turns out, and get this, you’re supposed to log in, then go to your account options and find the teeny-tiny little play link on the bottom left there. You’ll see it. Bring a magnifying lens. You press that and boom. You get to play the game.

Just kidding, it bugged out. It completely and utterly bugged out. I waited for it to load, for a while, but it eventually shot an error back and crashed. This was my first time playing this piece of shit, mind you. I don’t understand why people don’t bug test their games before they consider charging for them. It would be one thing if this was a free porn game that’s still in development, but they’re pitching this like it’s a proper, premium product, ready for digital shelves. This is dreadful. Plus, once the game actually started working properly, I still had to wait several minutes at a time for a single level in the game to actually load. Why? I’m on extreme fiber optic internet. I can stream 8K videos if I want to. Why can’t I play the damn Overwatch smut game without having to go for a fap break in-between every level? Do developers not understand that I actually play these games during the actual fap break? That’s the idea. I want to rub one out and get back to work. I don’t have time to wait for your damn assets to load. Give me my pussy, or get the hell out!

The Gameplay

Admittedly, I got a bit heated over the loading times. I’m a bit spoiled, it is what it is. The loading times are dogshit. Anyways, if you do actually manage to get this damn game running you’ll end up with a bunch of choices between different babes from the Overwatch universe. From what I am seeing, there are two of each babe, one normal and one “cosplay” tagged, which is an unnecessary complication, but I figured out what they’re getting at. This game uses a ton of rehashed assets from other 3D games that I’ve seen around the web. Think Milfy City and Lust Epidemic. Those 3D models. You must be familiar with the style. If you’ve played any of those games you’ll be able to recognize the actual faces. They’re copy pasted. I am lukewarm on this. On the one hand, they’re hot. On the other, they piss all-over the source material.

Luckily, there are also original versions of the characters that more closely resemble the actual chicks from the game and you are welcome to combine one style with another. You could have fake DVa fucking the real Dva for example. It’s a welcome addition. If I were forced to use the fake models I’d be pissed, but this way it’s just extra variety for the hell of it. Works for me. 

Pre-Made vs Custom

They spin you this yarn about how there are many sexy scenes in this game that were premade, but you could also make your own if you’d like, using the various girls as dolls. You can make your own ultimate coupling or threesome. The premade scenes and the custom shit are both exactly the same. The only difference is that one comes with an extra click. You still have to pick who you want to see and who’s going to get fucked. This would be a good time to mention that you can have any of the characters act as the futa, with a proper penis and all, so that they can provide the dicking. You can swap the futas at any time, of course, so you actually get a lot of variety. 

You pick your roster, you assign the cock and the action can start. The girls start fucking and every few seconds their arousal meter goes up far enough to allow you to press a button that moves them into a new sexual position. This is what they call gameplay. I don’t get it. If you actually had some sort of challenge, like if you had to keep the girls properly excited, this would work. Otherwise, it’s just a slide show with extra steps. It’s like a 3D sex video that you are free to skip through. This is not my idea of a good time. This whole damn site could just as easily have been a video. It would work the same and it wouldn’t take this long to load. Instead, you’ve got this abomination of a porn game that barely loads, takes forever to start and complicates things to no end. 

Hot Models, Hot Sex

It can’t be one of my reviews if I don’t flip a complete 180 at some point. Look, the game is overpriced and it underdelivers, but that doesn’t mean you can’t fap to it. By my estimate, there are at least 50 unique faps to be had here. A lot more if you’re a one pump chump. There’s enough variety here to keep you going. If you’re willing to overlook all of the glaring issues with this game, you’ll very possibly have yourself a good time. I’m almost certain of it. Underwhelming praise, I know. I’m doing the best I can with what I’ve got. I’ve always had a thing for some of the Overwatch bitches, Dva and Mercy in particular. It’s nice to see them in action. It’s just, I’ve seen better renditions. This is weak sauce. 

That being said, you get to see a futa cock penetrate a tight Overwatch pussy on this site, time and time again, so it just about passes the hotness bar. I wish there were options to let me remove the cock mid-fuck and insert it into another hole. That would take this game from a 3 to a 7, on a scale of 105. No, that doesn’t make any sense. No, I am not taking criticisms at this time.

Too Damn Pricey

$5 a month? Are you serious? In a year that becomes $60. In two it’s $120. In three it’s a reason to protest in the streets. This shit is barely worth $5 as it is, but they want you to subscribe for more? There is no more! How do you justify a regular subscription to a game that you can plow through in two days? Oh but don’t worry, there’s a superior tier that allows you to pay $20 every 6 months. What the fuck? 

Finally, if you’re completely out of your fucking gourd, you can drop $40 flat, in advance, to get a lifetime subscription to this... thing. My conclusion, it’s not a bad game, it’s just covered in vomit and human feces. I’m sorry. I hate being harsh. If they optimize it better and maybe add a free tier, I’ll consider upgrading them to a 9... on a scale of 105.