Men Bang

Hell yeah, it’s time to bang some dudes, because banging dudes is what I do best! Just kidding. I hate this. But, I have to take one for the team, what with me being an equal opportunity porn game reviewer and all. I gotta cover all the quality shit, and for some reason, Nutaku is considered the best of the best. I’m not ragging on them, of course. Some of their games are absolutely amazing. But, there are a few in between all the quality that just confuse the hell out of me. I genuinely don’t understand how you can spend time playing this game, knowing that your reward for doing so is getting so see some dude’s dick.

Oh, I’m not complaining about this being a gay game. It’s on their gay list; I knew what I was getting myself into. I’m complaining about the gameplay, not the gay play. The gay play’s fine. The problem is that this game bombards you with all kinds of prompts to get you as far away from the gameplay as possible. It’s almost as if your main reason to play this game is not to play this game and then wait for the sex scenes and jack off. But, those sex scenes just don’t seem to arrive. It reminds me of Assassin’s Creed Odyssey’s loot boxes that let you pay real money so that you would level up without playing the game. Although that was much worse as it was a paid game. Anyways, let’s dig into this mess.

Romancing Dudes in a Cab

I’ll start with the general point of this game; then we’ll slowly go down into the depths of what makes it a broken formula. On the surface, it’s a really cute concept, if you’re gay, I mean. You run a cab porn company, and you patrol around town looking for hot pornstars to record scenes with. To me, that sounds like a slam dunk formula for some hot gameplay. To get them to do the next scene, each time, you have to earn a bunch of resources that they require. They’re basically playing hard to get, and they want you to do shit to win their favor. Ok, so far, so good. So, what exactly do they want from you? Well, they want you to click on them. That’s red flag number one.

The first thing you have to do is get a certain amount of hearts. The best way to get hearts is to click on the dude in question. But, there’s a limit to how many hearts you can get by clicking on dudes, and it’s the same bar that fills up across all of them, so you can’t just switch over to another dude if you fill it up. But, what if your bar fills up? How do you get hearts then? Well, you can play a mini-game instead.

Dumb Mechanics

There are a few mini-games thrown in and I kind of liked these, but they got old really quickly. The first one I played, coincidentally the one I absolutely hated, was a Fruit Ninja clones. Hearts and insults fly at the guy, and you have to slash the insults with your mouse, same as you would in Fruit Ninja. You cut them in half or whatever. The problem is, you can’t click on the screen, you can just move your mouse. Move it quickly and bam, that’s a slice. But, what if you need to navigate through some hearts and not cut them accidentally? Well, you can’t. Moving the mouse faster than a snail’s pace counts as a slash. So, this mini-game doesn’t really work on PC. You can get around it if you’re fast enough, but it’s a dogshit approach to gameplay.

So what happens after you fill up on hearts? Does the dude take his shirt off and suck you off? Nah. You have to fill up the other resources by running errands for him. And how do you run these errands, you ask? Well, you click on a button and wait. The “errands” happen in real-time, so you have to watch a timer count down on your screen. Towards the beginning of the game, this takes a few seconds. Later? It can take for-fucking-ever for a single timer to count down so you can continue romancing that dude. But, don’t worry. The game makes sure to tell you that for only some amount of serious fucking real-world money, you can fast forward through it. This is not gameplay. This is beating someone up and then asking for protection money. It’s basically the developers saying that if you don’t like the game, you can pay them to skip it and just see the sex scenes. That’s not my idea of quality interactive smut.

Step by Step

This game’s mechanics are so unintuitive and repetitive that you probably wouldn’t be able to figure out what needs to be done next if the game didn’t pull you by the nose. So, they made sure to spam you at all times, reminding you where you need to click to progress. Again, this is not gameplay. This is someone yelling commands in your ear. And, they usually go something like this: “Click this button, click this button, now pay money so you can click this next button”. It’s like they’re hoping that if they bombard you with enough commands, you won’t notice the part where you enter your credit card information, and they charge you for 2D drawings of hot dudes.

With the money that you’d send getting gems and energy in this game, you could sign up for a yearly subscription with a high-quality gay porn site and just jack off to 4K movies of actual dudes sucking each other off. I simply can’t recommend that you dump money into this game, and trying to play it for free is an absolutely grueling experience. I won’t judge you if you enjoy it. Hell, Nutaku is considered the best of the best for a reason. They bring quality to the table. Still, this game is one of their weaker titles, even under the gay section. I’d recommend something like Gay Harem over Men Bang any day.

The Smut

The art of this game is pretty decent. It’s drawn in a cartoonish western-style, and the dudes are hot, I guess. The first character in the game kind of reminds me of me. He’s got that medium-lean build I go to the gym to maintain, and he’s got a bit of scruff. This is what I look like when I hit the clubs. Though, I don’t go patrolling for dudes, so we’re a bit different there.

The smut scenes to this game aren’t half bad. The dudes are all hot, and you get to bang them in pretty much every position you can think of. You unlock these progressively. First, you see them naked; then, they jack off a bit. Then, they agree to put your dick in their mouth, and finally, you bend them over in just about any angle you can think of.

It’s worth noting that some of the dudes will pull off some really feminine poses. These dudes are real twinks. They’re very vulnerable looking and kind of girly. Then, there are a few manly dudes that are real Chads. These are the ones that remind me of me. Next, we’ve got some tough guys with tattoos and real mean expressions on their faces. They’re the bad boys. I believe I also saw one nerd dude with glasses. By the way, you know that this game was made by committee, since all of the dudes have giant cocks. I have nothing against giant cocks. You know I sport one. But, you can’t have 15 dudes with pythons in one game. It kills the immersion. It’s just not realistic at all.

I got nothing against people who genuinely like Men Bang. I know this game has a lot of regular fans. It’s got like 15 dudes in there, so if you’re into dick, then I guess I can understand how this game might be your main squeeze. I personally don’t appreciate the broken up gameplay with all the mini-games, on account of how grindy it is.

But, it is a casual game, in a sense. You can keep coming back to it for more. And, if you absolutely fall in love with the art, then you can just stare at the dude instead of the buttons that you’re supposed to be clicking. I guess that could very much make this a playable experience for you.