Well, it finally happened. I finally played Dream Daddy. I hope you’re all very fucking proud of yourselves. Every single fucking YouTuber on the planet seems to have already reviewed this thing, so I don’t know why you need me to chime in. But, I am an expert on everything smut and kind of versed in romance, so I guess this falls under my domain. Now, if you haven’t been living under a rock, you’ve already heard of this game. It’s … actually quite amazing, if you like dating dads. I have never heard of a weirder concept for a video game, and I’ve played games in which Sonic the Hedgehog romances a baby. So… there’s that.
First thing’s first, you will not find another dating game with as much quality as this one. There, I said it. It hurts me that the greatest dating visual novel on Steam is gay and also not pornographic. I mean, I wouldn’t play it for gay sex scenes anyways, so I guess this is better for me, but it’s not fair on all the gay people. Gay people love daddies. Plus, there are a lot of bears in this game, and I hear those are popular in the gay community. Either way, this is not a smut game, but it is a fantastical masterpiece, and I am going to review the shit out of it.
You start off this game by creating your character who just happens to be a daddy. You’ve just arrived at the small town of Maple Bay and discovered that everyone in town just happens to either be a child or a single dateable daddy. Since this is a normal-person game, the kids are very much kept out of the action, thankfully. So that just leaves you and a bunch of other dads, and by golly, are you going to try to date the shit out of them.
Unfortunately, there’s no way to make your dad look as awesome as the other dads in this game. I know it’s a dumb complaint, but if you’re going to let me make my own character, you should at least give me a lot of customizability. Either way, your dad will never be as cool as the rest of the dads.
Being a Good Dad
Before I move onto the dating aspects of this game, I gotta cover something that I found to be really touching. At this point, we’re way outside of horny-zone and squarely down the middle of actual parenting. I never thought I would sink this low. I’m not ready to be a dad. I pull out.
Anyways, you have a daughter in this game, and she’s an absolute delight. The shit she says never fails to put a smile on my face. Even though the majority of this game has you pursuing other dads, the time you spend with your daughter is wholesome and will definitely warm your heart.
If you are an actual father, you are likely to connect to this game on a deep spiritual level. Not with the dating parts, I mean, with the parenting parts. Your daughter’s cool, and she really loves you, and you love her as well. You can learn some quality lessons on parenting from this game, without a doubt. I definitely enjoyed chatting with the kid.
Dating Other Dads
So once you’ve got your character and you’ve met your kid, and you’ve settled in, it’s time to get your hands dirty. You patrol around town and meet that various denizens, all of whom are, need I remind you, sexy daddies. They’re different kinds of sexy, as I mentioned, there are bears, twinks, gym-rats, businessmen. This is a game that is very inclusive of the many different types of daddies. You can have conversations with them, ask them out on dates, and eventually sort of end up with them. Again, there’s no actual smut payoff of any kind. Hell, you’re never even shown on screen next to them. It’s kind of sad. I would have wished to at least be able to marry one of these dads if we’re going in that direction. But alas, you don’t get that. You just fall in love, and the game sort of trails off into nothingness.
There are a ton of mini-games in this game that really don’t belong in this formula. I’ve seen this shit in actual porn games. There, it pads out gameplay to get you to wait for the smut. Here, it’s just extra enjoyment, supposedly, but none of it is enjoyable. Like, take for example a mini-game in which you have to match three of the same fish. Yes, you actually click on fish and match them to other fish that look like the same fish. I like saying fish. I don’t like playing with fish. I like eating fish. I don’t like these mini-games.
I don’t see the point of them as the game has over 10 hours of gameplay, at the least, if you try to cover all the endings and get a good ranking for the dates. So, what’s the fucking point of padding out with these non-sensical, non-dad-related mini-games? It would be more fun if you actually did something with the dads. They could have built it as a sort of tribute to Leisure Suit Larry, where the better you do, the hornier the other person gets. But, this is not the case. It’s just crap gameplay for no reason.
A Variety of Dads
There are seven different dads in this game, and if you don’t think Damien is the only one worth dating, then you’re a dumbass. Dude straight up looks like a vampire. He’s obsessed with Victorian-era trivia, and he’s basically a complete fucking goth. On top of that, he actually looks like Dracula. If he really turns out to be a vampire, that means that you get immortality for free. I mean, if he’s gonna suck you off, he might as well bite in a little deeper and give you the gift of infinite life. How the fuck are the other dads even supposed to compete with that kind of big dick energy? Also, he works in IT, and I don’t understand how that makes any sense, but that’s what you get.
Let me list the other six of them, just for the hell of it. There’s Brian, who is very sweet and the perfect embodiment of the gay bear trope. He’s got a dad bod, and he’s really into fishing. This is the kind of dad that you wanna date if you have a lot of DIY around the house, and you don’t want to get your hands dirty.
Then there’s Mat. He’s a bit of a hipster, but he makes up for it by being kind of a cool dude. He’s very anxious, though, and he tends to ramble on. He’s got a very neat sense of fashion, though, if you’re into that.
Next on the list, we’ve got Joseph. Now, I know that all the dads in this game are technically gay or, at the very least, they’re bi, but this guy… Holy crap, this guy sends my gaydar for a spin. Everything about this man screams out, “I’m in the closet”. I mean sure, you date him eventually, but until that point, he’s a standard closeted religious trope. He’s got 4 kids, all of whom are named some variation of Chris and he’s always wearing pink. He’s also a minister. Talk about being a living meme.
Next, there’s Hugo, who is a school teacher who really likes wearing suits. This guy’s suit game is on fleek. He’s also got the worst kid out of all the daddies, a real trouble maker. Hugo’s a real classy guy who likes nerd shit like wine and art galleries. He’s also a big-time reader. This guy was a real drag for me.
Next on the list, we’ve got Craig. He reminds me of me, except for the gay thing, of course. He’s a real Chad. He does a lot of pushups, he coaches softball, and he’s generally a dude-bro. I got mad respect for my boy Craig.
If you’d like to play a visual novel that’s equal parts about being a good father and dating really nice men with great personalities, then this is the game for you. I don’t know why a lot of people pass this game off as a joke. It’s a really neat and wholesome title. It’s really crap for masturbating to; I’ll tell you that. It doesn’t matter if you’re gay or not; this is not a fap-worthy game. You play this game to stroke your heart, not your dick. It’s decently priced and available on Steam, so by all means, date some dads today.