GayHarem! I was a little nervous about reviewing this bad boy, because I don’t know much about gay people or the various ways they like to jerk off. Sure, I’ve seen a lot of gay smut in my line of business, but it’s never really been my thing, you know? It’s more that I take one for the team. I know I gotta review this shit for you, because you depend on me to find the hottest smut, so I grit my teeth and get through it. Well, Gay Harem really simplified things for me. This game is a carbon copy of another game called Harem Heroes, which is a straight game that I’ve reviewed and jacked off to quite a few times before.
That game was super famous when it stood on its own and had its own website, but it was soon moved to Nutaku’s gaming platform. Those guys have a knack for sniffing out the hottest games, and I’m guessing they make deals with the developers so that their games are hosted on a superior platform. Today, Harem Heroes is only available on Nutaku as far as I can tell, so you have to play it on their site. But, we’re not here to talk about that game, we’re here to talk about Gay Harem. This game, which is naturally also available on Nutaku, is available on its own website, which I’ve conveniently linked to. I don’t think it matters where you play it. It’s a browser game that’s been coded to be fast and responsive. It’ll work on a toaster, so it really doesn’t matter what website you play it on.
A Legendary Classic
Time moves really quickly in the porn world. For every one year in the real world, porn advances by a decade. Trends of the present become conversations about the past seemingly overnight. One minute you might be seeing step-sister centric porn across every single porn tube you visit, the next, all the ads are about blowjobs and nerd porn. Yes, nerd porn is a thing now. Don’t ask. The point is, the porn world moves quickly, and games like Gay Harem become “old” very quickly, and that is actually not a bad thing at all.
Just FYI, I’m basically reviewing Gay Harem and Harem Heroes at the same time as it is literally the same game, except this one only has dudes. I’ll get more into their similarities later, but more to the point, Gay Harem is a classic. If I remember correctly, these games came out about five years ago, and they were both smash hits. I remember in the straight world; I couldn’t get away from people recommending that I play Harem Heroes. It felt like they were trying to recruit me into a multi-level marketing scheme.
A Good Visual Novel
From day one, Gay Harem has been winning dudes’ hearts and cocks with a very simple writing trick. Namely, the game is a visual novel that also happens to not suck dick. Can I still use “suck dick” to mean “bad thing” even though this is a gay game review? Fuck it; it’s how I talk. Anyways, this is a visual novel in which damn near every frame of every scene is hot as shit. That means that you are either seeing dicks on screen or you’re seeing dudes who are about to whip their dicks out. There’s none of that talking about your feelings nonsense you get in more mainstream visual novels.
The story to this game is very intricate, long, detailed, and has a few twists and turns along the way, but your character constantly finds ways to bang new dudes. There’s also no way to change the story, as far as I can tell. There are no dialogue options or branching storylines. Instead, you get one storyline that’s actually fun to play, instead of getting 10 potentially crap, boner-killing endings. Fuck that noise. I play porn games for the instant gratification, and this game is loaded with it.
This story starts with standard hentai writing tropes and torpedoes you into porn fantasy land. You play as a random young dude who is as forgettable as feminist literature. He’s a fucking nobody. But, he’s a lucky nobody. When you first start this game, you get an intro in which he’s checking out three dudes in a very hot threesome, in what appears to be a college classroom. He gets all hot and bothered, pops a giant boner, and tries to jack off, like a good little voyeur. But, he is interrupted by this random dude who, and this isn’t clear at first, is actually a magical being of some sort. He looks like an average 40-year-old dude, but with huge muscles. He’s like me from the future, grey hair and all. He still acts like an eager schoolboy, though.
So, he bends over and shows you his asshole and says that if you catch him, you can stick your cock into any hole you want to. Then, he runs off. You give chase, then trip on your own erection and slide straight into this dude’s magical world of gay harems. You get sucked off by Vegeta and Link, yes, those Vegeta and Link, and then the screen flashes white.
By the way, this game borrows characters from other franchises without explicitly saying that they are from other franchises. It’s just sort of a casual artistic resemblance. Still, if you’ve ever wanted to suck off specific cocks of specific dudes from your favorite animes, chances are this game will let you do that.
So, you wake up in bed with this dude, and he explains that in this world, life is all about collecting dudes for your harem. It’s not like a slave collection concept; it’s more like Pokemon. The dudes love you, and they want to be dominated, so it’s perfectly acceptable that you are essentially collecting a dude-zoo. When you collect dudes, you’re expected to train them to combat other dudes, but not with fists. No, in this world, problems are settled with boners. The hotter your dudes, the better they do in combat.
This is the least boner-inducing part of the game, which is kind of weird considering how people play porn games in order to jack off. But, bear with me. You might like it. The game is basically one of those super simple 2D city simulators, like FarmVille or what have you. You’ve got your harem, which seems to be located in an ancient Japanese village where most things are cock-shaped, and everyone’s got dick on the brain.
You manage your harem from the main screen, making sure that you also have the resources necessary to progress with what needs to be done. Naturally, you’re going to want to progress the story in order to see what happens next. But, in order to do that, you have to grow your harem and win fights against other dudes. I think you can also fight other human players, but in that passive, offline mode style where you are simply matched up against their team, and you see who wins. More on that later.
Basically, you are managing your harem the same way you would balance a checkbook. You make sure all of your finances are in order, and when you run out of crucial currency, you have to either wait real-world hours for them to recharge or pay actual hard-earned cash to speed things along. This game really wants to stick its cock in your wallet.
Art and Smut
I mentioned that the smut scenes in this game are fantastic, and I stand by that. Two things make this smut fap-worthy. One, the story is loaded with smut throughout and two, the smut is basically drawn as a tribute to popular anime. Normally, I’d try to describe the visual style, but in this case, I’ll just say, imagine if DragonBall and One Piece had a baby and that baby was an adult porn game. That’s what you have here, gentlemen. Weeb rule 34 wrapped in a porn game where you own and operate a harem as a business.
You can definitely jack off to the first few scenes in this game as well as the few following chapters. They’re absolutely fantastic. The smut dips in quality a bit in later stages, when you have to put in literal hours of gameplay to get to the next scene. That’s when they start encouraging you to maybe loosen the coin purse. If you enjoy spending money on micro-transactions, then you’ll fap through this entire game. If you’re looking for a long and free fapping experience, though, you might want to look elsewhere. Either way, this game is one of the most popular free porn games out there, so it’s certainly worth a try.