Honey Crush

It’s time to get real basic, ya’ll. This right here is a very simple porn game that does not try to trick you with the promise of something grander. It’s a casual game, and it is very proud of this fact. It’s basically Candy Crush, but with tits. Hell, that might be enough to cover the whole review, but don’t worry, we’ll go in-depth. I will do my due diligence.

You might be confused as to why I’d give praise to a game that’s so clearly just a simple puzzle title. I mean, wouldn’t I prefer something with a bit more story and oomph under the hood? Nah, fam. I am a simple man. I wanna see some titties, and I wanna be entertained. This game straight up gives me what I’m looking for. There’s no rigmarole before you get to the action. You load up the game, you see what’s what and you enjoy yourself. And, in-between all of this catchy and addictive honey crushing, you see some hot ass sex scenes that are completely uncensored. This game is the definition of a simple porn game that wants you to have a good time. How can I not give mad respect?

Fun Gameplay

Before you start to worry, let me put your mind at ease – this is not a carbon copy of Candy Crush. Honestly, I found it to be a bit more fun and definitely more challenging at times. I did have to play through a bunch of really easy levels to get to the hard parts, but it was worth it. I mean, at first, I was motivated by my desire to see some pussy. That got me through the simple parts of the game. You have a grid of these honey … pills? Honey containers? Honey gems? I’m not sure. Anyways, you need to match up three of them in order to blow them up, and then new ones appear in their place. Simple, right?

Well, I got through a bunch of these starter levels, and just as I was starting to get bored, the game threw some smut my way. One of the bitches on the side of the screen came at me and started complaining about her pussy being on fire or some such. It was really hot. I jacked off and clicked on. Then, I thought to myself: “Damn, I don’t wanna go back to matching three honey gems at a time”. But, the game threw a curveball my way.

It Gets Better

The next levels started getting progressively harder with the introduction of special objectives. For instance, there were levels that could only be beaten if you crush a certain amount of specifically colored gems. Then, there were levels that have you align the grid in a certain way in order to progress. So, you’re not actually dashing to the finish line with points. There is some logic behind this game, and there are puzzles throw into the middle of the gameplay.

I really appreciated this, because playing an endless stream of match-em-up would have driven me insane. I know I would have played it regardless, because I wanted to see more pussy, but it’s nice to see that the developers also really wanted me to have fun. So, there’s a healthy mix of challenge and pussy payoff. That’s exactly what I hope to find in a porn game. It’s the kind of shtick that keeps you coming back for more without punishing you or making you feel like you’re wasting time. It’s more of a pastime hobby. It’s a great way to kill time at the office. Plus, the game sort of looks non-pornographic while you’re smashing gems, so you can’t get in trouble at work.

RPG Elements

This part of the game was a bit touch and go for me, because I try to avoid RPG elements in porn games, unless I’m straight up playing a Witcher tribute or something. In this game, you have to upgrade your skills, and you can only do that by grinding. You need to get through a lot of gameplay, which means a lot of gem-matching, in order to make yourself even more powerful, to then smash gems even better.

It’s the same shtick you’ve seen in most other simple RPG titles, where your only goal is to level-up in order to level-up more. It appeals to the parts of your ancient monkey brain that rewards you for seeing an arbitrary number go up. But, it does technically change the gameplay, so I guess it has a place here. By the way, the skills in question are kind of ridiculous. There’s a beauty stat and a sexuality stat. What’s the fucking difference? And also, what’s charisma? These seem very arbitrary. But, apparently, these are all important for the gameplay, somehow.

I have to give credit where credit is due, though. This game doesn’t stonewall you if you don’t advance your skills. In fact, you can keep playing without upgrading your skills at all; it’ll just get harder and harder to progress. I like this because it means that I have complete freedom over my own experience. I’m not a hamster on a wheel; I’m a responsible honey crusher who also moonlights as a pussy destroyer.

Music and Sound Effects

In the audio department, this game is a real 5/7, if you get that reference. It’s good enough to be enjoyable, but not so good that you’d ask your fellows to pass you the aux cord so you can play blast the OST in public. It’s mostly just elevator music, let’s put it that way.

There are a few songs throughout the game, but for the most part, you’ll be listening to the gem crushing theme on a loop, because that’s most of the gameplay. Eventually, you will mute the music, and you will learn to live without it, because any song will get boring after a while and here, they’re really pushing the limits. They don’t swap it out, either. As long as you’re playing the game, you’re listening to the same jingle. It’s unnerving.

The sound effects are definitely much better than the music. They come with the standard dopamine-inducing sounds of smashing things with a brick, every time you match up the honey gems. As they line up and disappear, it’s all very satisfying.

The Story

Honestly, I wish I could just skip this part. If there was ever a porn game that didn’t need a story, it’s this one right here. I mean, it’s a game in which you unlock pussy with increasingly arousing sex scenes. Why the hell would I need a story on top of that, especially if I’m going to be matching up colored gems for most of the game?

Oh well, I am a porn game reviewer, so I have to be unbiased and cover everything, right? So, the story is that you are an average dude-bro with no discernable characteristics. You really like pussy, though, so I guess you’re relatable. You get approached by a drunk chick at a party who proceeds to welcome you into the sex games, but not before warping you into a portal that takes you to another dimension. There, you meet Manfred, a douche-clown who is putting harems out of business by hoarding all the pussy. You are going to economically liberate this newfound land, by capturing some pussy of your own and balancing the market.

You do this, of course, by crushing colored honey gems. This somehow gives you much-needed power and the affections of the girls that you will hopefully soon be banging. One way or another, you are going to stick it to Manfred and his harem-having ass. Why should he have all the fun?

This game is easily one of Nutaku’s lighter titles, but it still comes with a ton of pussy. Do you know who else comes with a ton of pussy? Yours truly. But, more to the point, this is a casual puzzle game that you can enjoy at your own pace. The pussy can be your main objective, or it can just be a bonus reward for your hard work. Either way, the game is fun, and that’s what matters.

Now, there’s ample opportunity for you to spend hard-earned dollars on this bad boy, but that’s up to you. It’s not really necessary, but it does make the game flow a lot faster. There are some difficult later levels in this bitch that will have you in a head-scratch. Throwing money at the screen definitely helps make these levels a lot more bearable, but to each his own.