Divine Arms

When a new video game title comes out, especially in the porn sphere, you have to be really patient. Most of these games are made by perverts such as yourself, and they usually only make progress when they’re horny. Their creative muscles seem to live in their pants.

I’m not ragging on porn game developers, mind you, I just think that if you’re going to wait for a full porn game release before you fap to it, your dick will atrophy and fall right off. That’s why it’s such a wonderful sight to behold when a porn game developer releases a pre-alpha build for people to enjoy entirely for free. It lets us take the game for a test drive, and it usually comes with a porn scene or two, so it’s always good for at least one fap.

Now, if you want to keep returning to the game, it’s going to require an update or two, and this is where both the developer and the gamer profit. You can give your input through public forums, and the developer can take your opinion into account. They’re not there to provide you with what you want, per se, but they are willing to learn. People who draw smut for the world to see usually enjoy creative feedback, because they want you to fap to their content. It’s a fun activity for everyone to take part in.

A Cute Classic

Divine Arms has been in development for quite a while. You might have already figured that out if you’ve tried it and noticed that it’s built entirely in Flash. This pisses me off to no end, but I’ll try to withhold some criticism. Just to be clear, I think that Kreig, the developer, has done a fantastic job, especially in making the most out of Flash player. I’m just pissed that people are still using the damn thing in general. It was fun while it lasted; it’s time for it to die now. Moving on…

This game’s a very cute and very retro looking porn game title that combines two art styles between the gameplay and the smut payoff. Within the gameplay, it’s extremely reminiscent of old school top-down exploration games, especially ones that came out in the early 2000s and were inspired by Zelda games of old. I really like this style, and I will never get enough of it, to be honest. I wouldn’t like to fap to it, and it’s not a problem here, because you don’t really get a lot of sexy content during the combat itself.

The sexy parts kick in when you get captured by an enemy, or you move into an unavoidable cutscene. Now, these sex scenes take the same color scheme as the rest of the game, but not the same style. The combat is cute and miniaturized; the sex scenes are blown the fuck up and drawn in extremely high hentai quality. I absolutely adore the sex scenes in this game. The girl that gets fucked, one way or another, is the actual playable main character, called Sigil.

Adventures of Siggy

Sigil or Siggy, as she prefers to be called, is on a vital mission to test a prototype marionette drive. I have absolutely no idea what any of that means, and I am not about to try and find out. The way I see it, there’s a chick who can talk to Siggy, telepathically and she’s constantly egging her on towards more enemies and more sex scenes.

Siggy herself is kind of peeved at how often she ends up getting plowed up every hole she’s got, but personally, I like to fap to this kind of shit, so I’m thrilled it’s happening. Plus, she loses health when she gets hit in combat, but getting raped is a completely different story. That is also a type of combat, if you choose to resist the rape. You could, instead, just let it happen. That way, it’s purely cinematic, and you can just kick back and relax. Hell, you can jack off. It’s perfect timing.

A Very Strange Developer

Ok, I don’t normally talk about a game’s developer at length, but this guy just cracks me up. I honestly find it really hard to understand why he’s so on edge all the time. First of all, he’s always yelling. His caps lock button must be on the fritz, because he overuses it to hell. Also, he’s constantly apologizing and warning you to stay away from his game, unless you want to be very disappointed.

I don’t know if this is just a very clever marketing scheme, like a reverse psychology ploy, but it doesn’t feel intentional. It actually reads like the insane ramblings of someone who is painfully terrified of being judged. And I don’t get this, especially because his game is fucking awesome. But, he’s constantly apologizing for it being unfinished, even in the actual descriptions of the game. And if that wasn’t enough, once you actually download the game or load it in a browser, the game starts up with yet another warning apology. Oh, and things get even more interesting from there, mind you. Once you’ve read through the second apology, you have to prove that you understand the warning and that your expectations are super low by clicking the right word in the actual description as a sort of trick puzzle.

A Puzzle About a Puzzle Game

This is how the game actually loads, by forcing you to solve a puzzle to even reach the main menu. I have never seen a more unnecessarily, insecure game developer in my life. I mean sure, there’s some criticism to be thrown out there. First of all, he’s very irresponsible with game version tracking. On his Patreon, you can pay money to get the game a bit earlier than the public release, and yet there’s no link for the public release anywhere. I literally can’t even tell you what the latest public release of this game is. I think that the latest version is 1.96b, which is the one you can play on Gamcore, but I have no way of proving it.

That one came out over two years ago, from what I can tell, and the Patreon is still up, so doesn’t that mean there should be other versions that are publically available? I have no idea, and neither do you. At best, you can enjoy the game in its current state on Gamcore, but I’m confused to no end. Mostly, I just want to understand how a developer can literally lose track of public release versions, but constantly apologize about the game’s puzzles being too hard. The puzzles within the game are not the problem. Now, the puzzle of where the actual fuck you can find the latest version of this game, that’s a puzzle no-one can solve.

So, given that the developer is still posting shit all-over Twitter and Patreon, I’d be comfortable guessing that this game is still in development. But, if I can’t find a new version or any available public links for more information, I wonder how anyone’s even supposed to play this game properly.

Hope for This Game?

I’m hoping that if you actually pledge on the Patreon, you get better treatment, like a download link for this allegedly free game, but I can’t guarantee it. I mean, the best you can do is drop a pledge and pray that there’s a link on the other side, because I sure as hell am not going to pay out of sheer curiosity. I love paying for porn games, but I hate paying for free porn games that the developer is actively discouraging me from paying for. There’s a literal “Do not pay for this game” warning on the actual Patreon. I am writing this review slack-jawed because of it.

Let’s try to end on a high note by listing some of the things that I really like about Divine Arms. First of all, Siggy is a great main character, and I really like the divine between her and the actual player. You are not Siggy, you are controlling Siggy, and this is made clear by the characters within the game. This means that when she gets raped, that’s not you getting raped. This is a great element for the immersion factor. It makes you happy to see her get fucked, rather than making you feel like you failed your quest or something.

Plus, the graphics really are incredible, especially for a Flash game. They pull the absolute maximum value out of what’s offered, and I don’t have any complaints. I could jack off to this content for literal hours, especially because the scenes are so varied. There’s tentacle rapes of all shapes and sizes and quite a lot of original sexual scenarios for Siggy to get into. The game is definitely worth playing, but pledging? I don’t know. That’s a decision that you’ll have to make on your own.