Re:Maid

Have you ever wanted to play a video game in which acting like the perfect gentleman guarantees that you end up with a dry dick? Well, here’s Re:Maid for you. I’ve heard a lot of incels bitch about the fact that being nice only leaves you blue balled in the end and this game seems to take that approach to heart. Just to be clear, I completely disagree with this notion. I’m the nicest guy around and I pretty much drown in pussy. I damn near need a life preserver just to get through the week. But, in Re:Maid you get a lot of branching paths and choices, and you gotta pretty damn wild if you want to end up balls deep inside a pussy.

The Fate of a Gentleman

I got a kick out of playing this game for the first time, so I gotta tell you about it. The game has 8 different endings, and the very first one I got was, well, less than satisfactory. See, I tried to play this game as the perfect gentleman. I don’t mean I played it as an incel dumb-fuck who tries to give women exactly what they want at every step. I’m smarter than that, or so I thought.

I played it nice and casual, very respectful, hoping to edge my way into these girls’ pants. It seemed to be going well, and I was very patient with them, until the game just sort of ended. Turns out, they got bored of me. One of them basically left the game, permanently and the other decided she never wanted to see me again. Why? How? I have no fucking clue. I played all of my cards right. I was the kind of guy you would be proud to take home and introduce to your parents, and fate kicked me in the crotch.

Think Like a Snake

Think of a long list of things you really shouldn’t ever do in real life, like being violent, selfish, or God forbid, rapey. That’s exactly the kind of mindset you need to get through this game and have a great fucking time. I was looking at some walkthroughs of this game, and they all read like some sort of killer manifesto.

Rape this person, don’t rape that person, be nice here, don’t be nice there. I swear to God, this kind of shit freaks me out. It’s not that I’m too much of a wimp to handle rape in video games. I get the general concept, and in fiction, it’s fine. This shit doesn’t desensitize you to violence or whatever. It’s just, if I have the choice between being naughty and nice with women in games, I’d rather be nice and then jam by cock down their throat. It’s how I do things in real life, and it works well. They respect me for it. Well, this game’s a lot edgier than that.

The Story

It’s literally the exact same story out of every other hentai game you’ve ever played, and it’s probably never going to get boring, ever. You play as a newly arrived student in a school that only really has women in it. They don’t explicitly say that that’s the case, but you know what I mean. You arrive in school; you see chicks, you stop seeing damn near anything else. Hell, it’s not like you’re going to be attending any classes. This is a hentai game. You have pussy to mount.

The devs behind this gem have boasted that there are over 110 thousand words in it, which is the equivalent of a book, if you think about it. So, you play as this fucker called Nishi, and you want to get him laid as soon as possible. Just to be clear, he’s not a literal fucker, he’s a metaphorical fucker. He’s a complete fucking geek, and he can’t get laid to save his life. He’s going to need all of your help and then some if he’s gonna end up balls deep in pussy.

There are two very important chicks in this game, and one of them is your roommate. The general idea here is that you’re trying to get to know them. One of these girls reminds me of the kind of women I meet every day – she keeps inviting you to one-on-ones, which are basically dates so you can tell she’s hungry for the cock. Not hungry enough, apparently, as you still have to bend over backward to not lose her interest. Either way, she’s pretty fucking eager.

Then there’s the other bitch and oh my god is she difficult. She reminds me of the kind of women I used to run into when I was younger. You know the type, she says no, but means yes, but secretly means no, and this garbage just compounds until you have to realize that it may not be worth it at all. I’ve seen many women with this complex in my youth. I usually 180 my way out of there so I can 69 someone significantly less annoying. And yes, I know I’ve used that joke in other reviews, but it’s my joke, and I invented it so damn it. I’m going to recycle it.

The Art Style

I absolutely adore the art of this game. It’s got that hentai vibe with mild adjustments to make it just unique enough so that you can’t get it anywhere else. This game really makes you thirsty for more. In many ways the style to this game is lesser than standard hentai, but that’s what makes it work. Instead of getting too obsessed over details, the artist instead chose to polish the surfaces of damn near every part of this game.

I mean that quite literally, everything in this game is practically glowing, including but not limited to the titties. I like glowing titties. I like to pretend that they’re marking my landing trajectory, right down the middle.

The second a sex scene starts, the quality of smut increases significantly. Every single still from this game’s H scenes is worth a fap on its own. The girls look like they want your cock, every single time. Plus, they’re both so fucking bangable, I can’t put it into words. They’ve got round supple breasts and tight, thick asses. They’re practically screaming to get fucked.

Cheaters Have More Fun

This is a perfectly free game that’s available on several game sites. I’m not sure, but I think you can also download it locally. Anyways, the game is Patreon funded, and so far, both the backers and the developers have done a great job. I suspect that the Patreon might be dead, though, since I can’t see any recent posts on it. Maybe I just don’t understand how the site works, but seeing as how the game is practically done through and through, the project may be technically over.

One of the Patreon rewards lists the ability to use cheats in-game, but I’ve already seen that version of the game listed on some free-to-play porn game sites, so the project may have become some form of abandonware. Again, I’m not sure. If you can avoid pirating this game, that’s naturally very important. But, if it’s already available on a free site, without a download button, then you might as well play away.

Re:Maid is the kind of pornographic visual novel that you put on your long list of quality smut games that you have to get around to and actually remember to do so. It’s a smut game with a ton of dialogue and a ton of smut. It doesn’t dick you around in the slightest. They really struck the right balance between the nude and non-nude scenes, and your dick doesn’t stay limp for long before diving back into the next bonerific part of the game.

Fun is always right around the corner with these girls, but it can be a fucking nightmare trying to figure out the right thing to say, especially if you’re trying to unlock a specific ending. I’m pretty sure that it’s impossible to get all of the possible endings without using a guide. The complete walkthrough is available as a Patreon reward for higher tiers, but I think you can find community guides regardless. That’s great, because you’re going to fucking need them.

Remember, when I first played this game, I got completely rejected by not one but both of the girls that I was trying to romance. Me, the greatest womanizer on the planet. If I had such a tough time with these prudes, I can only imagine what the average player might go through.