Princess Evangile

Grab your passports, check your luggage and strap yourselves in, because we are going for a ride to Japan-land – to the home of hentai pornography. Once again, I’m bringing you a hentai visual novel, because apparently, the world doesn’t have enough of these goddamn things and it never will. This one, in particular, has a ton of schoolgirls, a naïve and forgettable protagonist, and it takes place in a school, so it’s literally exactly the same as the previous ten hentai visual novels I reviewed. I am going to try my fucking hardest to differentiate this thing from other titles, but don’t hold your breath too hard.

Don’t get me wrong; it’s a good game. Hell, it’s actually a great game, and there’s a lot to fap to, though you might find the sex scenes to be a bit too realistic, but we’ll get into that. I’m just griping over how popular these things seem to be lately, especially on Steam. They all start out as 18+ porn games, but then get the hentai pruned out and are sold as regular stories. Since their writing is actually the core gameplay and the stories are written by people who are quite adept at what they’re doing, these types of games are both a great read for the common folk and a great fap for us perverts. Let’s dive into the details, shall we?

New Kid on the School Block

Princess Evangile is a game that takes place in an all-girls school, where you, Masaya, ended up after having your life completely destroyed by a mixture of your own naiveté and your family members’ stupid decisions. In short, your mother left you and your father a few years back, as any good mother does. Your father, on the other hand, is a complete and utter idiot who keeps borrowing money from Yakuza looking toughs, because that’s totally a sensible way to acquire currency for you and your kid.

Worse comes to worst, and the loansharks start making this your problem. They punch you in the face while you’re on a date with this pink-haired cutie. You manage to fend them off, temporarily, but in the process, you lose a lottery ticket which you happened to have, which would have been a great way out of your predicament. The story is ridiculous as hell at this point. Anyways, pink-haired bitch suggests that you can escape all of your troubles if you just enroll in her all-female school. That sounds better than anything else you had planned, so you decide to go along with it.

Segregation Isn’t Cool

In a world where men and women have separate drinking fountains and separate bathrooms and entirely separate schools, you are going to challenge the norms and fuck up everyone’s idea of normalcy. So, we’ve established that you’re the only dude in school, and as it turns out, a big part of the plot is going to revolve around you smashing the state, that is, the absolute state of lunacy in which men and women are being kept separate.

I know it’s a fictional story, and I can live with that, but it boggles my mind that there are actual male-only and female-only schools out there, as if that somehow helps you study. All it’s gonna do is make you too frustrated to think straight. Plus, can you imagine if the school has a dorm? You’d have to shack up with a seemingly infinite number of dudes for a whole year before summer starts, and you get 3 months of peace from that bullshit. I’d sooner just hang myself if I had to be away from pussy for that long.

Anyways, our boy Masaya here is going to fight the power and try to prove to the school and to the girls there that segregation is wrong and that men and women can live together in peace and harmony, provided everyone learns how to use a condom. Otherwise, that school’s going to look like a bunny zoo, what with all the repressed boners that would flock in on day one if the segregation rule is taken down.

Opinionated Bitches

In true visual novel fashion, there are tons of girls for you to get to know and romance. You can’t just jump into bed with them; Princess Evangile is a dating sim after all. You have to first spend many hours pretending to be interested in their bullshit, before they’ll let you see their undergarments. This is my idea of a perfect nightmare. There are hot chicks all over the place, but to see anyone of them naked, I have to speak to her, and only her, directly and intently, for over 20 hours.

I haven’t spoken to an actual human woman for over 20 hours, why in all shits would I listen to a fictional one? I don’t want to know about their feelings; I want to know what color their nipples are. How is this complicated? I swear, most Japanese writing was made to piss me off and test my patience. Don’t get me wrong; I am more than willing to invest time and/or money into a worthwhile lay; it’s just that, none of these girls are really selling me on the idea of being worthwhile.

They’re not sex freaks or anything. They’re regular girls and by that I mean they’re the most boring people on the planet. Sure they might be 18, but their brains are still stuck on 12-year-old logic, except when they’re debating you, then they suddenly inflate their brain to human size, just long enough to fuck up your adventure.

But, one way or another, you’ll get to know them, and you will sway their opinions about the gender segregation, eventually. Even though at the very start of the game, most of them react to you in the same way, one would react to seeing a zombie or a black bear. They run screaming, is my point.

Realistic Sex Scenes

Normally I rate the sex scenes either hot or not, depending on whether the artist knows his way around a human breast. With Princess Evangile, we’re still very much in hot territory, but we’re also hitting some marks for the confused boner category. Now, for those of you who may not know, confused boners happen when you see something on screen that clearly arouses you, but you’d really rather it didn’t. Or, at the very least, you’d rather be watching anything else, to wash your eyeballs, so to speak.

There are scenes in this game that I did not ask for. There are scenes in this game that I kind of want to unsee, even though there’s nothing technically wrong with them. How do I put this…? Have you ever fucked a virgin? Do you know what it’s like to fuck a virgin? Yes, she doesn’t necessarily have to bleed, especially if she’s limber, but sometimes, it just happens. Sometimes, virgins bleed a hell of a lot. And, sometimes, they bitch and moan throughout the experience, because even though it’s ideal and they planned it, they’re still traumatized, because sex is a big deal and should not be taken lightly.

Well, I’m sorry, but no matter how true that statement might be for actual 18-year-olds, I am actually quite a way north of 18, and I don’t appreciate this god awful boner killing documentary-styled approach to pussy fucking. So why in the hell did the writers to this game think that the first time my boy Masaya fucks a virgin, I would like to see the actual pussy bleed and hear the girl cry out in pain? Also, why did Masaya think it’d be a great time to stick his dick in her ass, using nothing but pussy juice and blood as lube? And why in God’s name did she decide to go along with it? I mean, don’t get me wrong, she’s a real trooper, but the whole goddamn experience didn’t look sexy. It looked painful and gross.

This game’s idea of a sex scene between two consenting adults was apparently to record two real 18-year-old virgins and transcribe their actual exchanges onto paper, then make a game around that. Repeat this process across every girl in this game that you can bang, and you’ve got yourself a perfect recipe for some of the least sexy sex scenes in gaming since stickman porn.

Oh, before I forget, if you play this game on Steam, download the 18+ patch, because otherwise, it’s a 40+ hours game in which you basically have to listen to an endless stream of women talking about their feelings. You’d literally be paying money to experience my absolute worst nightmare. Don’t do that to yourself.