Pony Waifu Sim

Sooner or later, I knew it would come to this. I would have to talk about ponies, again… I’ve seen videos of Japanese schoolgirls swallowing an entire gallon’s worth of cum for no reason other than to prove that they can. I’ve seen videos of people throwing spike balls at each other’s anuses. But this … this shit always puts me in a dazed state. I get the appeal of horses, sort of. I mean, I understand the whole idea of chicks getting hot and bothered over a creature that has a penis longer than their entire arms. If you’re particularly freaky, you can see something like that and think, damn, I wonder what it might feel like to ride that thing.

As for actually fucking horses, I don’t think that those same perverts would take it that far. Chicks buy horse-sized dildos, and that’s really fun, but that’s sorta where the fantasy ends. How we went from that to being sexually attracted to tiny cartoon ponies is beyond me. Plus, this isn’t chicks fawning over giant cocks, mind you. For the most part, we’re talking about dudes who want to stick their dicks in these tiny ass ponies, and I don’t understand the fetish. I mean, the damn things are roughly the size of a fleshlight. You would rend their insides to a fine paste if you tried to fuck them. You know what, maybe I’m overthinking this. Let’s dive face-first into the cluster-fuck that is Pony Waifu Sim.

A Dating Sim for Bronies

You might wanna add bronies to your dictionary, because at this point it’s pretty much common vocab. Pony Waifu Sim is a game made for diehard bronies. It’s a visual novel dating sim with all the classic concepts we associate with that genre. You talk your way into people’s pants. That’s the gist of it. I usually enjoy this type of gameplay, depending on how much dialogue I have to get through. I like the kind of games that fast track the conversation to the good stuff.

Unfortunately, this ain’t that type of game. No, this is the type of game that is made so that people can genuinely feel like they’re dating an actual cartoon pony. What that means is you go through all the bells and whistles that come with dating a real human girl, but she’s got four legs and handjobs are out of the question.

Normally, when I talk to women, we’re barely one beer into the evening before I invite them back to my place, and for some reason, it always works. By 2 am we’ve had our fun, several times over and I’m calling them a cab. Then I plop onto my bed and fall fast asleep. Well, imagine the opposite of that. Imagine if you were trying to basically cultivate a relationship for some dumb reason. Imagine that you’ve hit your head, and you actually want to learn a woman’s hopes, dreams, and aspirations. Imagine you want to meet her parents and have family picnics. That’s the kind of spiel you get with this game. It makes me sick.

The Anatomy of a Pony Chick

This game follows the standard hentai trope of having either pony chicks that are super innocent or super difficult to talk to. They’re either playing hard to get, or they’re falling in love with you, bit by bit. One thing I find really ridiculous, other than the fact that these things don’t actually have breasts, is that to me, they all look exactly the fucking same. I mean, they all have different colors and all. Some of them have unicorn horns, others don’t, but as a normal human fucking being, to me, they all look like the exact same cartoon character. But, if you manage to get deep into the story, you start to tell them apart by how annoying they are in the various ways they manage to delay having sex with you. Like, there’s this one pony bitch who won’t stop talking about constellations and some random science bullshit that I wasn’t paying any attention to.

Well, eventually you get to a point where the two of you are lying under the stars and sweet-talking each other. After a bit of niceties, she eventually turns over to you and puts your cock in her mouth. This is roughly where I would imagine you’re supposed to jack off, but I just couldn’t do it, man. I can’t. I tried, I swear. The image of a cartoon pony taking what looks like a human dick down her throat doesn’t turn me on. I’ve jacked off to a lot of challenging content, but this was god mode.

The Art Style

All right, time to pay some compliments, because if I keep talking about the action, I’ll give myself an ulcer. The art to this game is … well, it’s the best art I’ve ever seen, considering what they were going for. My Little Pony is already an established franchise of children’s cartoons, so the art style is very much pre-defined. They wanted to capture that magic perfectly, and basically, just add pussies and asses. Thankfully, the original cartoon didn’t have this nonsense. But, I promised I’d stop judging for a second, so let’s talk about what makes this art style peak perfection.

They copied the original art style exactly, though I believe they invented original characters for their game. I wouldn’t be able to tell the difference anyway. This really does look like My Little Pony. I ran some comparisons for this review, and I can confirm, you get exactly what you asked for. There’s literally no compromise on the quality of the art here. Plus, the backdrops and associated art are all perfectly detailed, colored, shaded, and what have you.

As for the adult-only content, well, I can’t tell you what a horse’s vagina is supposed to look like. I am not going to do that research. You can forget about it. For what it’s worth, it all mixes very well with the rest of the art, and it looks natural. – As natural as a tiny horse’s vagina could look, I guess. There’s a lot of sex scenes in this game, even though it takes forever and a day to get to them, and they’re all covered in the standard kind of shit I like to see in my porn games. Ponies or not, these chicks will bend over and take your cock six ways to Sunday, and you will most definitely leave them covered in cum.

Thanks, Patreon

The wonderful thing about community-funded games is that people can sponsor what they care to see, without fear of being judged. Plus, Patreon’s anonymous for the backers, so it’s not like they’re going to get outed or anything. This game’s currently raking in over a thousand dollars a month, which in Patreon terms isn’t that big a deal. But, the developers have noted that they’re close to supporting themselves entirely on Patreon backing, so the game’s future looks bright.

Plus, the community really seems to love the game, and given that it’s free, it’s fucking everywhere. Well, it’s everywhere where ponies are considered fuckable, at least. There’s demand in the porn game community for a pony dating sim, and these guys are more than happy to provide. I’m very happy to see people jacking off to their passions, even if I don’t personally understand how they do it. I mean, there’s no tits. How do you jack off when there are no tits? Never mind. The point is, I’m glad this game exists, and the devs are doing a damn fine job keeping it alive and fresh.

You can nab it now, for free, and give it a shot. You’ll get hours of gameplay out of it for now, and if you’re left thirsty after that, you can pledge to the Patreon and receive future updates as soon as possible.

The Specifics

I have to list a few of the features that I saw on the Patreon because they really caught my eye. A few of them are standard visual novel dating sim factoids, but others were very enticing. I haven’t seen this kind of effort in similar porn games. Like, there are six unique dateable ponies with unique personalities. I get that. But, what the hell does “dynamic character dates with branching dialogue” mean? Do they mean that your experience will be different from someone else’s, depending on your choices? Is it an auto-generated sandbox dating sim? I have no idea. I haven’t seen the game feature any combat of any kind, so I wonder how they’d manage to spin this.

They also list that there are tons of minigames and puzzles scattered throughout the game, which is never a downside, unless it’s crammed down your throat. Beyond that, they’re very optimistic about bringing you more characters, events, and adult scenes in future updates. This game looks like it’s got a bright future ahead of it.