Not all porn games are created equal. Some try to shove a story down your throat, others want you to spend money, and then some take themselves too seriously. Porn games should be all about the fapping experience. I don’t play them to go on a spiritual journey, and I don’t want them to change my life or my credit score. I just want to rub one off to some quality smut that feels interactive enough to immerse me. You know what I mean. I want my porn games to make me feel like I have a choice. Who do I want to fuck? Where do I want to fuck them? That’s the kind of shit I’m in for.
As it turns out, the video game I’ve been looking for is Haramase Simulator. There’s a lot to unpack with this one, from the Japanese in the name to the tons of gameplay that you get entirely for free. This game is almost too good to be true, if I’m being honest. I couldn’t even find a Patreon for this thing. I really wanted to drop some money into this game, but couldn’t find a way to do it. Looking it up leads to the game’s official blog page, which is just some sort of update dump so you can see what’s up with new patches, and there are also download links. That’s about it. Maybe this game is being developed by actual porn gods, who knows. Let’s dive right into their hard work and see what they’ve got for us.
Remember to Wrap Your Tools
I don’t care who you’re fucking or what time of the month it is; you should always wrap your dongle in some rubber. You really don’t want to have yourself a pregnancy scare, trust me. I’ll be the bigger man here and admit that I’ve been there, once and it was a fucking nightmare. Visions of kid-friendly cars and college funds floated in my mind while I damn near had a panic attack. Getting a one-night-stand pregnant is basically my worst nightmare. I wouldn’t wish that shit on my worst enemies.
That’s exactly what makes this game an extreme taboo for me. This is the kind of game in which I straight up intentionally do things that I wouldn’t normally do in real life. You know, like when you play Grand Theft Auto and shoot people in the face, but then you go outside in real life and you’re a normal well-centered human being? It’s the same thing here.
Pump and Dump
If you’re still confused, allow me to translate for you. Haramase is a Japanese word meaning impregnation. This is a game that simulates the experience of you impregnating as many women as humanly possible in as little time as you can. You meet a ton of chicks in this game, and your end-goal is to shoot your seed into them without wearing any protection, of course, then get the hell out of Dodge.
I have no idea what the actual point of the story to this game is, even though there’s a decent amount of it. I saw screenshots of the pussy in this game, and I wanted to get to that shit as soon as fucking possible. So, when the game fired up and a huge breasted chick started talking to me about foreign powers and some sort of impending nuclear doom, I hit my space bar so hard and so fast that I damn near smashed the thing in half. I just wanted to get to the smut. But alas, that particular bitch was not up for the nut. It’s ok though; I immediately found another bitch who was. You know what I always say. If she’s still talking after the first five minutes, 180 out of there and find another bitch to 69. It’s a simple creed, but it gets me through life.
Tons of Bitches
Speaking of 69ing bitches, that would be fucking pointless here, because your boys can’t get to her womb if they go down the upper shaft. They need direct access to her snatch. That’s why you mostly fuck bitches vaginally in this game. You are on a mission. You want to impregnate these girls asap. And boy are there a lot of girls to impregnate in this game. They’re constantly updating the game with new features and new girls. When I played it, there were 34 girls.
Well, I say girls, what I mean is, there were 34 question marks. In the menu, you can see a list of all of your girls, and they’re not exactly being coy about this; they call this part of the menu your harem. It’s pretty obvious at this point that these bitches are nothing but cum dumpsters for you. In real life, that might be a bit offensive. In a porn game, God bless. So, I saw 32 question marks and 2 bitches that I had already unlocked. My super mathematical prowess tells me that this means that there were a total of 34 fuckable bitches in this game when I played it.
I went over to the official development site for this game to figure out what’s what. I wanted to see who it is that’s behind this awesome game and maybe give them some money for their troubles. They are blowing my mind with this amazing game, after all. But alas, all I could find was a status update saying that the game is absolutely not dead or stalled. Then, they announced that they were adding some sort of resort DLC or patch that lets you go on vacation in a smaller zone with a few new bitches.
This new event is supposed to be coming out soon and will probably just get added to the base game. I suppose what they’re trying to do here is maintain this game as a sort of dating sim with story elements that can receive new content without you having to reset your game. I’m not entirely sure that that’s the case, but that’s the vibe I’m getting. It’s kind of like a game in which you collect new bitches as new releases come out. Kind of like having unlocked a DLC fighter in Mortal Kombat or something. Hell, even the harem screen itself, with the question marks, looks like a “Choose your Fighter” screen.
While you do kind of have to play through fun story elements to unlock new bitches, the actual fun of this game, the meat of the gameplay, is not linear. On top of that, there’s no filler gameplay with puzzles or combat. This means that once you unlock a bitch, you’re free to enjoy her any way you want, provided you have what she needs. You’ve got a store in which you can purchase items, and you pretty much have to do your best to woo these women.
What I like about this game is that all of the actions that you perform are instant. It’s not trying to take you on a journey or anything. It’s got less interactive bullshit than a real-life dating app. You don’t have to think too hard. The only actual thinking happens when you try to decide which bitch you want to impregnate first. I like that kind of gameplay. It keeps me away from the bullshit and moves me towards the hot smut that I came to see.
All the smut in this game is a hard 10. I don’t know who they commissioned to draw this shit, but whoever it was, they did a bang-up job. Every single smut scene is fap-worthy. You’ve pretty much got yourself a gigantic collection of hot hentai stills. Multiply all the amazing scenes times 34 chicks, and you’ve got a smut compendium.
I’m blown away by the amount of smut they managed to cram in this game, considering how awesome it looks. It’s high definition, and very arousing, but here’s where the bad news comes in – it’s censored. I’m sorry, boys and girls. I gave this game a ton of praise, got your hopes up, only to let you down hard by telling you that the pussies are blurred.
I’m sorry guys, I know that most of you prefer your pussies clear, but hey, at least most of them are clean-shaven. That’s something, right?
As a bonus for this game, I leave you with this hilarious reference. If you write the word “trump” anywhere while the game is running, you get a “Small loan of a million dollars”. Basically, the game gives you a ton of cash. It’s a cheat. Use it. It’s fun as fuck. I don’t think it’ll damage your immersion or anything. You’re here to impregnate these girls at any cost, after all.