Porn Empire

Have you ever dreamed of striking it rich in the porn industry? I tried out for some movies, but it turned out my dick was just too big for the business. I lucked out and became the best porn reviewer on the web instead, but the rest of you can live vicariously through Porn Empire. It’s a business management game with some RPG elements, putting you in the shoes of a small-time porn producer on his way to the top.

Porn Empire is a fan-supported game, with a ton of perverts throwing money at the developer via Patreon. Patrons get early access to the most stable builds, but cheapskates can still play the game for free. Downloads are available for Linux, Windows, Mac, and Android. For this review, I’ll be playing the web-based version, which I don’t recommend. (More on that later.)

Become the Porn Tycoon of Your Dreams

The very first thing I did in Porn Empire was create a character. It gave me a male character by default, and while I was tempted to style the dude after myself, I also wanted to see some cartoon boobs right away. I switched the gender to female and changed the name to The Porn Dudette, and off I went!

The game gives you a shit-ton of customization options, but I just clicked the dice to randomize the skin, hair, and eye color, the nose, mouth, and head. The sidebar told me I was a White brunette teen with big tits, a useful feature for the fucking blind. There’s a region selector, but I couldn’t tell what it was good for.

Next, I picked a couple of perks off a big list. I chose Adventure Time, which makes me immune to STDS, and Matriarchy, which earns more money from solo and girl-girl scenes. I like where this is going already! Other options include advanced genetics, viral marketing abilities, and an increased chance of getting pregnant or knocking up a broad.

The pre-game preference page piqued my interest even more. By default, all the sliders are set to 50%, but it’s easy as fuck to tell the game what you’re into. I was fapping to the free tubes earlier this morning, and it’s given me a certain sexual appetite. I bumped up the values for Latinas, Big Tits, and FFM Threesome.

Finally, there’s a set of options to choose before you actually start the game. I activated the tutorial, but didn’t check any of the boxes that made the game more difficult. I see now what that country question was all about; there’s an option asking if you want the majority of models to come from your own country.

Start from the Bottom and Make It Big

I fucked up and clicked the wrong place and had to start over. I’m playing the web version for convenience, but I already recommend one of the downloadable versions. No matter what I do to my browser window, my Porn Empire screen is clipped on the right side and along the bottom. I couldn’t quite see the button I needed to move forward, and ended up going back again.

Once I figured out my mistake, I was able to limp along even with the crippled screen. It’s a real bitch, though, and ugly to boot. Hopefully, the game makes up for it with hot sluts.

There’s a quick one-screen tutorial. It seems a little overwhelming, with too much terminology to learn and remember, but it might all click once we start playing. I click OK to see if I’m right. It’s time to make some porno!

I’m dropped into a dingy office with a computer on a desk. Clicking the computer-screen icon in the corner brings up the Dashboard. It’s a complex-looking beast; this is a deeper game than I expected. I soon find myself browsing my list of available freelancers.

The only available talent is an Afghani babe named Raegan Robinson with huge boobs. Most of the menus here are empty, as I haven’t hired anybody or shot any porn. The lists of Scenes, Stats, Inventory, Staff, and Empire remain barren.

After perusing my sad dashboard, I take a look around the studio. All I’ve got is a barren mattress in a dirty room. I can upgrade it, but it will cost me $1000. Fuck. I really am starting from the bottom. I’ve only got $500 right now, so an upgrade is out of the question.

When I clicked the icon to check out the city, Porn Empire gave me a message saying I needed to find someone to shoot with. “Your best bet is to go to the STREET at night and pick up a hooker. They are willing to do anything if paid right.” It’s sound advice, especially for a smut peddler without much change in his pocket.

Hit the Streets and Hire Hookers

I took my first trip to the street, earning a popup saying I could buy drugs and pick up hookers there. There weren’t any whores there, so I spent $100 on cocaine. I left, and when I came back, a slut was leaning on the wall. The game helpfully pointed out this prostitute was a Latina Black Hair Big Tits Teen.

I chatted her up, talking about random shit before hitting her up with my proposition. She ain’t down with the small talk, though, and doesn’t like my offer to shoot a scene for $50. I bump it up to $169 with the possibility of more later, which she likes a lot more.

I was getting excited about shooting some porno with this chick, but I couldn’t figure out how the fuck to do it. I ended up watching a PornHub video on the subject, and it turns out the button I need to click isn’t available in the web version because of the clipped edge. Fuck! Goddamnit, this is one of the reasons even Adobe is giving up Flash, and everybody else should, too.

I tried it in a few browsers, zooming in and out and fucking with all the settings, but to no avail. I ended up having to download the Windows version and start over. Good thing it’s free, at least monetarily. I’m not happy about wasting so much fucking time with a broken web game, though.

Overcoming the Learning Curve

Thankfully, it’s an easy download, and I know how to get the game started. After going through the motions again, buying drugs and hiring a hooker, it was time to shoot a movie. Unfortunately, I picked a bad one for a girl-girl scene. Porn Empire told me her lack of appeal would cause unavailability if I shot the scene.

I went ahead and did a solo scene with my automatically generated Porn Dudette character. I clicked the sliders to remove her top and bottom, and then clicked Fuck (Autoplay). The girl squatted on a dildo and started bouncing; then she went onto that dirty mattress to fuck herself with the toy.

It’s not a super-realistic animation, but it’s got curves in the right places to make the lizard part of my brain ready for procreation. It took a while to see the real potential in this game, but here it is: as you work your way to the top of your porn empire, you’ll create a ton of custom animated porn scenes along the way.

After my frustrating start, the game became a lot more fun. Even if I hadn’t had my experience fucked up by a bad web version, there is a bit of a steep learning curve here. It may take you a good hour before you really understand what you’re doing, at which point the game sort of blossoms into both a business management simulator and a porno simulator. Even once you understand the basics, you’ll continue finding subtleties in the mechanics that change the way you play the game. It’s really fucking well developed.

Porn Empire is a business management game that turns you into a porn tycoon. The business end of things is fun, but perverts are really going to appreciate how you can create custom animated sex scenes as you build your empire. Skip the web version and grab a free download for Windows, Mac, Linux, or Android. Consider tossing the developer a few bucks if you end up completely addicted with a trash can full of crusty tissues beside your desk.