Monster Love Hotel

Not all porn games are created equal. Some of them look like a butt. That’s where we are with this review. I’m reviewing a porn game that takes a lot of bottom-of-barrel scraping to get to. This is the kind of porn game that you’ll never hear about if I don’t review it. But, you know that if I skip it, someone’s gonna come out of the woodwork to complain about me not being thorough enough. Don’t worry, though; I’m not just going to complain for the entirety of this review. The game’s got a lot of content, and I intend to cover it all to the best of my ability.

Now, if you want an impartial and unbiased review, well, I’ll do my best. I’ve played way too many good games in order to just give this a free pass. I mean sure, there’s nudity in the game, and you get to fuck bitches, but if that’s all it took to make a porn game, then my life would technically qualify as one. Porn games need quality, pacing, and balance. They also need to hook you in. If you’re not constantly hard in expectation for what’s around the corner, then why even play the game. So, let’s see how well Monster Love Hotel fares.

Equal Opportunity Combat

There’s a lot to be said about this game’s general approach to RPG gaming, but let’s start with the meat. The combat is the core gameplay, and there’s a lot of it. You play as a generic random dude-bro with a generally likable personality. He’s a lot less Chad-like than your average protagonist, and honestly, I like that. I’m tired of playing as Chads in video games. I’m already a Chad in real life. That’s enough testosterone for me. I don’t need to Chad it up any further.

Where was I? Right, combat. Well, it’s 2D, side by side turn-based bullshit. I swear to God, if I have to review another turn-based game, I’ll chop my dick off and mail it to Japan with an angrily worded letter to whoever made the original Final Fantasy. Anyways, this game innovates on the concept, mostly by gutting the system and removing 90% of the usual RPG tropes: no spells, no build optimization, no bullshit. You just sort of bang your enemy and get banged back. Depending on who does the banging, HP is lost. You want to fuck, but not get fucked. That’s simple enough for me.

What I really like about the combat, and I’ll get more into this later, is that there are chicks with dicks in this game. This makes for some fun combinations in combat, since you’ve got a good old dick above your testicles that’s always at full mast, and an asshole that was arguably not made to be penetrated. No shade on dudes that like getting their holes plugged, it’s just not my cup of tea.

All Kinds of Chicks

Most, if not all of the enemies in this game, are hot babes. Whether they’re monster girls, regular girls, or some type of furry, they’re all down for some combat. Did I mention that you also have a girl on your squad? The cis-type, I mean. She’s got a vagina. And like the rest of all the chicks in this game, she’s got giant cans. So, between your dick, her pussy, and all the dicks and pussies out on the battlefield, this game is a non-stop orgy.

Let’s say that you get attacked by a fox bitch with a dick between her legs. She’ll be trying to bend you or your gal-pal over and fuck you to get your HP down. When it’s your turn, you can ass-fuck her, naturally, because she has no vagina, or you can send your bitch in to suck her off. There’s always some sort of fucking to be done, whether it helps or hurts you. That pretty much means that if you find this art style hot, you can jack-off throughout the entire gameplay.

The Open World

There’s a bunch of RPG stuff you can do when you’re not in combat, including some mildly interesting conversation and item purchasing. Now, I know that I said that there’s no build optimization, but that’s not entirely true. I mean, yes, the weaponry aspect is a bit downplayed, but it still matters. You need to buy a weapon and equip it. Better weapons mean you do more damage in combat.

On top of that, there are also items that you can buy. They are consumable, and they can really help you out in a pinch. Whether they confer a status effect or just increase your damage, they’re all around useful when you’re fighting someone who’s a bit too tough for you.

The exploration of the open world is properly 2D, and you’re free to go wherever you want, provided you’ve unlocked the area. There’s no magical warping or interrupted gameplay. You literally walk your way everywhere. It’s kind of like Pokemon or those old-school RPG Maker games, but I gotta give credit where credit is due – this game does not look like an RPG Maker title. In fact, the entire goddamn game defies expectation, because it’s a 2D RPG porn game that looks nothing like any other 2D RPG porn game.

My Gripes

You might be wondering why I bashed this game in the introduction when it’s clearly the kind of shit that breaks the mould. Well, the thing is, even though I hate RPG Maker porn games and recycled assets, I also really hate games that don’t pass my hotness threshold. I mean, this is a game in which there are tits on the screen almost 90% of the time. So, why am I not hard? That’s the real question here.

The answer? The art. The art to this game is great, it’s consistent, and a lot of care went into it. But, it’s not hot. It seems to take inspiration from children’s B-movies from the early 90s. You know what I mean, the kind of cartoons that you could only buy on VHS, because no-one in their right mind would pay to watch that kind of shit in a movie theater.

Redeeming Factors

Ok, first of all, the best part of this game is the scope. It’s long as shit, and there’s a lot of content. You don’t get a full dump of all the game’s assets in the first five minutes of the game. You actually progress and unlock shit.

Speaking of unlocking shit, this game has a gallery that lets you rewatch scenes you’ve already experienced, in combinations with your two main characters. So, let’s say that you’ve fucked a cow bitch in the wild and won that battle. Well, you can now watch that scene, in any sexual position, with either of your characters, as much as you fucking want to.

I really appreciate the fact that every single monster is basically a collectable lay for you. In other, similar games, you’d be unlocking sex scenes with the bitches at your party. That’s kind of limiting and repeating. Twenty human chicks’ worth of sex scenes is, well, the same thing, copy-pasted 20 times. But, if you’ve got a snake bitch, a cow bitch, a goo monster with tits and a furry, that’s four different types of content. I can get behind that idea.

So as it turns out, I didn’t have nearly as many gripes with this game as I thought I did. I guess I’m just a real bastard when it comes to rating porn game art. I really find it hard to jack off to 2D art that looks like it belongs in a children’s cartoon. For similar reasons, I hate Sonic the Hedgehog rule 34 renditions. They just look weird as fuck.

So, my recommendation for you is that you should try this game before you take my word as gospel. The game is free after all, and it’s tiny enough that you won’t mind the download. Try it out. If you happen to like the art style and it happens to make you hard, then I see no reason why you shouldn’t plow through the entire goddamn game.

At its core, this is a perfectly optimized RPG with a ton of fun hiding within. The real question here is one of taste. Are these the kind of monster girls you’d like to bang and do you enjoy the combat. If the answer is yes, then by all means, dive right in. I won’t judge you for enjoying yourself.