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Heart Of The Woods

There’s some sort of fascination that people have with the supernatural that I just don’t understand. You’ll often see people talking about seeing ghosts and all kinds of weird, otherworldly creatures, even though you know, they’re full of shit. Bigfoot doesn’t exist. The Loch Ness monster isn’t real, and ghosts sure as shit aren’t going to come back to haunt your sorry ass. Hell, if I became a ghost after I died, I know where I’d be. – At The Playboy Mansion, polishing my ghost flagpole. I just hope that my penis remains attached to my body. If I’m a penisless ghost, that would suck.

Anyways, back on topic, this is a game about paranormal investigations, sort of. It’s also a game about a lesbian love story, again, sort of. It’s a mix between a bunch of weird-ass genres that somehow work well together, because they hinge on the promise of smut scenes, down the line. Now, I should note that this game also has a safe-for-work version that you can pick up on Steam, but I wouldn’t recommend it.

Regardless of which version you pick up, I recommend the 18+ patch which you can get for free from the developer’s website. You know how Steam is about these things. You publish the game with no smut, then you patch the smut back in. It’s just the price of doing business, so don’t complain. Anyways, let’s dive into the world of lesbian ghost investigations.

The Slowest Start

Before I continue, can we just agree that a TV show called “Lesbian Ghost Investigations” would be amazing? I call dibs on the name; I came up with it, it’s only fair. Don’t steal it. Anyways, back to the important stuff, this game almost gave me carpal tunnel. You wanna know how I play porn games? I click as fast as humanly possible through whatever crap they throw my way so that I can see the smut first. The smut is the most important part of a smut game. It is the sauce, it is the beef, and it is the part I need screenshots of, because you fuckers need to see what you can find inside the goddamn game.

Well, as you can see from the screenshots that I did end up taking, I didn’t find any smut. I must have clicked through over a thousand unique dialogue points in this visual novel, and by that time, I could have been doing something more productive, like jacking off. But good luck jacking off to this game, because throughout my first 30 minutes of the game, all I saw was a bunch of girls complaining about random non-sense that no-one cares about.

In their defense, it’s not like I was actually reading what they were saying. I couldn’t give a shit. I like to speed through to the smut first, jack off and then come back and replay the game for the dialogue. I can’t think straight with a boner, ok? I want to put it to good use and then waste my time playing video games. It’s the natural order of things. But alas, in this game, you get none of that.

The Main Character

You play as a boring bitch named Maddie Raines. Right off the bat, I have a complaint. This is obviously a hentai game. Hentai is Japanese. And yet, this girl’s name is Maddie Raines, not Rika or Aoi. I dislike weeb shit as much as the next guy, but the lack of consistency grinds on me. Anyways, she’s unhappy with her job, and she wants to move on to bigger and better things, maybe, she’s not sure. Just as a disclaimer, there are a lot of female situations in this game.

What I mean by that is, there are a lot of characters who just aren’t too sure about their feelings, and they’re very vocal about their confusion. They are going to tell you everything you want to know and everything you don’t about how confused they are and how they’re desperate to find an answer to their emotional turmoil. I play porn games to get away from this kind of bullshit. If I wanted to listen to a woman complain, I’d call my mother some time. But I don’t, because I’m not psychotic.

The Story

Anyways, she’s considering quitting her job, but not before going on one last escapade with her colleague and best friend Tara. The two of them are approached by a random weirdo bitch named Morgan, who says that she knows of a village where actual supernatural shit happens. This place is called Eysenfeld. So, let me get this straight. The main character has a standard western name, but the village is named Eysenfeld. What a world.

Anyways, the three of you set off on an adventure, to explore this village and maybe see some Bigfoot. But as it turns out, this is not a classic scam like all the other shit you’ve been exploring in the past. Oh no, there’s actual magic afoot in this village. Specifically, there’s an undead girl named Abigail, whose spirit has haunted this village for hundreds of years. For reasons I do not entirely understand, the main bitch falls in love with this ghost or something.

Then, this “hot lesbian action” continues for another hour or so, while your dialogue-clicking-finger begs you to please stop this and jack off instead. You play through, hoping to see some actual hardcore action, but as it turns out, that shit’s rarer than interesting dialogue options in a game where all the characters are female.

Lesbian Love Story

I read the reviews for this game after I reviewed it myself, because I didn’t want to be biased, and I kind of figured out what the problem was. This is not a game made for the enjoyment of cool, buff alpha males with a great taste in porn. No sir. This is a game made for lesbians, specifically. I guess you could also enjoy it if you’re a nard or someone with way too much time on his hands.

Anyways, all the reviews said one of two things. One, the game is an amazing story-driven visual novel that is in no way arousing. And, two, the game is very validating of lesbians. Now, don’t get me wrong; I love it when people validate lesbians. They’re an important part of the LGBT community, and my respect goes out to them. Hell, they invented my favorite genre of porn.

I just wish that their games weren’t so goddamn boring. Whose idea of entertainment was it to watch several women speaking to each other for over sixteen hours? And all they talk about is their feelings. No tingly sensations between their legs, no. Real lesbians apparently don’t have sexual feelings, just the kind of boring emotional turmoil that makes for drab writing. Reading through this game felt like walking through a valley of rusty nails, barefoot.

The Art Style

Before I proceed to Shift-Delete any sign of this game off of my computer, let me talk about a few nice things about the game. The art is so ridiculously spectacular that it makes other anime-styled games look like shit. Seriously, the art of this game looks like it was hand-polished by literal angels. I have never seen better hentai or anime art in any other piece of fiction, ever.

It’s a shame that they didn’t actually expand this talent towards drawing a bunch of sexy smut scenes, but we take what we can get. There are a few smut scenes here and there, but they’re not the kind you can fap to. I mean, unless you enjoy static images of women just sort of lying there, talking about their feelings.

Redeeming Qualities

Look, I’ll level with you. When I first played this game, I didn’t know what to expect. I saw the nudity, and I saw that it had an adult patch. I figured, that like other hentai-esque games on Steam, I’d see some titties. I mean for fuck’s sake, Steam has Evenicle, the most disgusting hentai game this side of Japan. Why wouldn’t this game have titties?

Anyways, I was wrong, that’s my mistake, this is definitely not a game for dudes who are looking to polish flagpoles. This is a game for women who want to be taken on an emotional journey and feel very extreme emotions of lesbian love. It’s basically my fucking nightmare. Hot women everywhere and no-one to bang them. Hell, they barely bang each other.

But, if you’re looking for something light and enjoyable, with great writing, outstanding art, and an overwhelmingly high fan and critical rating, by all means, have at it. Hell, I challenge you to rub one off during the 16 hours it takes to finish this game. I double dare you. You can’t do it. It’s just not made for that.

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