XPlay

I try not to talk shit about sites that have shown me as much respect as XPlay has, but my journalistic integrity has to come first, even though I have no credentials, I am not a journalist and I’m mostly known for masturbating so loudly that I cause tectonic plates to shift. Look, I gotta call it like I see it and XPlay is making me …unhappy. Very unhappy. There’s a lot of potential here and a lot of games, but so many of the elements on this site are confusing and a let down that I can’t in good conscience recommend it as it is. 

That being said, I have been known to squeeze lemonade out of stones in the past, and that’s what I’m going to try to do here, because there is in fact potential. I mean, there are porn games. Surely it can’t be that bad, right? Right?!

It’s Pretty Bad

Let’s start with the most striking part of XPlay that cannot be explained away no matter how hard I tried to finagle an excuse – there are non porn games on here. I don’t mean sexy games that don’t have nudity or actual sex in them, I mean non-porn games made by what appear to be middle school students. Said students are obviously not here – the site is 18+, but their games are and I can’t for the life of me understand why. There’s no moral infraction here. Free games are free games and XPlay is free to put them here for download. It’s free promotion and all that. Still, why would you do this to people who are clearly browsing one handed? What is the point?

I saw a homemade video game on here in which you play as a gorilla collecting bananas on a forward rail, like Subway Surfers, but ugly and unfinished. This looks worse than Unity game demos. It’s gross, it’s disgusting, it’s making me really unhappy. I even found some games that were smaller than 1MB and featured no content at all. Yes, non-games. Games with nothing in them. They’re just up there, with screenshots no less. Screenshots…of nothingness. You can wait 30 seconds on a third-party file sharing website to download a nothing game. If you pay extra, you can download your 5KB non-game even faster. What a time to be alive!

Not a Community Site

At first I thought that XPlay had some sort of manual upload option for the visitors, so outside trolls were bombarding the place with shitty games to make it look bad. It’s happened before. Porn game forums, for example, suffer from this a lot. Anyone can post, so trolls can’t be stopped from uploading garbage or even viruses. Well, the good news is that there are no viruses on XPlay, but the bad news is that this place is singularly curated by the owner. In other words, one guy went out of his way to put the damn monkey gets banana game on here, among the porn games…I’ll keep asking – why? 

I found a game on here that was clearly scribbled in MS Paint and developed and released in Hungarian. It’s about a girl named Valentina who explores the world around her and oh dear God I can’t do this anymore, why is this here!? Why? Please take it down. Please? It’s an eyesore.

Hentai Games

Let us bleach our eyes of that filth and look at the sex games, or more accurately, the hentai games. There are lots. You get a neat category to sort them out. I would make this the home page. It filters out all the garbage. The first thing you’ll notice on the hentai games page is that one game is posted 4 times in a row with 4 separate pages, each a copy of the last, each with the exact same download link and oh my god, why is this happening? Am I high? Did this website make me high? 

There are a lot of hentai games on here, regardless, and they’re all free to download and play. The selection is … meager, at best. I don’t recognize any of these titles. That’s a bad sign. I mean, I know I can’t be permanently in the loop with everything the porn game industry is doing, but I should be able to recognize at least one game, right? I write about this shit every single day. I play them every day. I should be able to find something here that I’ve played before. No joy. It’s not happening. This entire section is drowning in mediocre trash.

AI-Made Games

On regular porn game sites, AI games are partly frowned upon for shitting on artistic value and looking like ass, but on XPlay they’re ironically the only part that actually had me satisfied and interested. Sure, the art is a bit off and AI can’t figure out how letters work, so all the Japanese lettering in the backdrops is actually just gibberish, but this was the only hot smut I could find. All the rest of it was properly hand drawn by artists – artists that probably had their hands smashed with hammers before they started working on these games.

The AI games seem promising. The scripts are usually written by a human, but the art is generated by Stable Diffusion – I think. The other AI solutions don’t let you make uncensored titties. I mean the alternative is playing porn games made by proper official game development teams, but that leaves you with titles such as, and I quote: 

“Secret meat of the wife transformed while I am not ~ Love love newlywed wife is held by another man and see a dream to pant indecent ~ (Related products of this title)”. 

I don’t normally do direct long-form quotes of other people’s content. I do my own stunts. In this case, you’ll forgive me but… what the ever-loving shit. That, up there, that thing I just quoted – yeah, that’s an actual porn game title on this site, with the parentheses and everything. XPlay is trying to give me an aneurysm. 

Western Games

This is the non-hentai section where you find more cartoonish games. It’s also the poor section that got inundated with shitty non porn games, but I already crapped about those at length. Let’s look at the rest. I’m seeing a nice little gem here. “In The Shadow of the Versipellis”. It looks good. I like the art style and the writing seems on point. This is the kind of porn game I’d be happy to try, even if it doesn’t directly appeal to my fetishes. I’m seeing a pig-girl on the cover. I guess it’s some sort of spin on furry porn. I don’t know, I’d play it for the graphics. They’re very clean lean and pristine. I like that. They’re HD.

So there are some games on here that are actually worth playing but they’re buried in shit. They’re surrounded by shit. There’s so much shit on here that you can’t see past the smell. It’s that thick. 

Downloading the Games Sucks

Third party upload sites? Check. Several upload links? Check. All the links lead to the same site with a different title? Check. Oh, and you get to download them at a comfortable speed of 10 go fuck yourselves per second. It took me two hours to download a 500MB game only to then find out that I got the wrong version, so I just deleted it. I tested both of the download sites, they both suck dick. Your options are very limited on XPlay. The only value you can extract from this site is happening to stumble upon a game that happens to not be shit, then going to another site to find a download link that lets you acquire the game before the next winter solstice. 

I wholeheartedly recommend that you try the game titled “Stealing Wallets”. If you’ve never felt suicidal before, this game will help. Seriously, that the fuck were these people drinking? The only real upside to XPlay is the occasional actual porn game and the overall design of the site. It’s simple and neat and shows a lot of screenshots, but what’s inside the actual screenshots is usually garbage, so your mileage will vary while you traverse back and forth between Shitsville and Pisstown.

I’m sorry guys. Mission failed. We’ll get them next time.