Fuckerwatch

Have you ever had a raging hard-on while shooting a motherfucker in the face, or do you get all drippy when you pick up a new assault rifle? Do frontal assaults, and multiplayer battles get you in the mood for procreation? Are the girls of Overwatch your ideal waifus and fuck buddies? Did sliding a puzzle piece into place ever make you ejaculate? If you answered “Yes” to any of these questions, Fuckerwatch might be for you.

Fuckerwatch takes the rich team-based FPS gameplay of Overwatch and completely abandons it, but keeps the characters and makes their titties bigger and more naked. This one’s actually a free puzzle game, so you twitchy, bloodthirsty fuckers looking for some action should seek it elsewhere. It’s available as an Android app, but I’ll be playing the web-based version over at GamCore for this review.

Like Overwatch, Except Not Much, Plus Hentai

I bet that juxtaposition caught you off guard, huh? Yeah, man, I saw the name and thought it was going to be a straight-up pornographic version of Overwatch. I was ready to team up with some perverts in a class-based multiplayer online battle arena (MOBA). Imagine my surprise when it turns out it’s a game of sliding puzzles. I guess I got all jacked up on Monster Energy for no goddamn reason.

It is an Overwatch parody, though. The menu screen has a drawing of Mei with her giant jugs hanging out. She’s still dressed like she’s ready for an Antarctic expedition, but those boobies are out in the open and exposed to the cold. No wonder those nipples are so perky. The image is lightly animated with blinking eyes and jiggling titties.

There’s some light but slightly ominous electronic music in the background. It’s not a toe-tapper or anything, but it’s inoffensive. Some of these games sound fucking awful, and I have to turn my speakers off immediately, but Fuckerwatch seems alright so far.

There’s a Hero Gallery, which I clicked on as soon as I saw the menu. Unfortunately, since I haven’t played the game yet, I haven’t unlocked anything. At least I know what’s available if I have the right moves: porno featuring Overwatch beauties D. Va, Widow Maker, and Mei.

If I’m being honest, it’s Mei who I most want to see naked. D. Va looks like she might be kind of a slut, and I mean, it’s right in Widow Maker’s name that she kills people. She’s so fine-and-dandy with murdering a married person and leaving a grieving partner behind that she chose the name Widow Maker. Mei, on the other hand, looks cute and innocent, despite the fact she’s constantly getting into gunfights. Maybe it’s the glasses.

Who Are These Furry Sluts?

I clicked the Play button and got a selection screen that a lot of you would naturally assume is an indicator of an impending battle. I’m represented in a row with Ananha, Huli, Lola, and Lucuma. I don’t recognize those characters, but two out of three are furries, and the placement certainly looks official as hell. Below our row is the challengers, I guess, with those 3 Overwatch chicks I mentioned.

There are a bunch of unselectable characters on either side of B. Va, Purple Ass, and Ming Lee, and I don’t recognize them, either. It makes me wonder if the game designer had something else in mind before he plugged the Overwatch girls into it.

Whatever, though. I’ve got my heart and loins set on seeing more naked Mei, so I choose her. Immediately, a fully nude Mei is dropped into the backdrop with a little moan. She smiles and fingers her hairy pussy while I smile and adjust my growing wood.

I’ve been talking shit about Fuckerwatch ever since finding out it was a puzzle game and not a shooter, but I’m impressed by the quality of the art and animation on this pre-game menu screen. I know the little moan wasn’t much, but I just played a few porn games in a row with no sound at all, so I appreciate the little touch and the realism it adds.

Better Than a Cracker Jack Prize

The actual game part of Fuckerwatch plays out on what looks like a 2001-vintage GameBoy Advance, which you old geeks will remember as the wide Nintendo handheld that came out before the folding ones arrived. There’s a pixelated porn scene on the screen, and the broad in the corner is telling me I only have 100 moves to solve it.

I clicked the screen, and the pixelly fuzz porn was replaced by a scrambled hentai image, broken up in a 9-square grid. I started piecing it together in my head, trying to figure out if there were multiple dicks or if I was just looking at it wrong. Then I looked an inch to the right and found what the completed pic is supposed to look like: Mei naked with a cock in each hand, one aimed at her face, and one in her cooter.

I have to admit; I haven’t played this kind of game since I got a plastic one in my Cracker Jacks decades ago. If I recall correctly, the image was way less filthy, like maybe a soccer mom doing missionary or something. It may have been a long time, but I’d like to think I can solve a kid’s puzzle in under 100 moves.

I started sliding the tiles around. I thought I was about to get the whole puzzle in a few moves, but it gets harder when shit’s in place because then you don’t want to move it. Moving everything is necessary to moving anything, which really fucked my shit up.

Just when I was starting to think I had too many bong hits for breakfast, the last tile slid into place. The grid disappeared, and the music stopped, the image turns into an animated foursome loop with hot sound effects. The flesh-smacking and moaning really compliment the bouncing tits and shaking body.

After I finished fapping to the loop, I finally noticed my score up in the corner. It took me 98 moves to line up that Overwatch hentai scene. A couple more and I would have been toast, or whatever happens when you lose a puzzle game. For some reason, it seems less humiliating than having one of these chicks murder me during an online battle.

I’m Not Sure This Game is Finished

Do you know what’s bullshit? I went back to the menu and checked out the Hero Gallery to see if I’d unlocked anything. At the very least, I expected that Mei animation I’d unpuzzled to be accessible at any point. I don’t know if I did something wrong or just hit a glitch, but the Hero Gallery still looked exactly the same. There was nothing unlocked and nothing to look at.

This all ties in with the main issue I have with Fuckerwatch: the game doesn’t seem like it’s finished. It feels like somebody started making an Overwatch puzzle game and got bored after adding a few characters. The unselectable characters on the menu are a big giveaway, as is the fact that there are only 3 levels. There are some bugs, too, like the broken Hero Gallery and the fact that nothing happens after you go over 100 moves. It just keeps counting.

Realistically, though, I’m not sure how high my demands need to be. It’s a pretty basic 9-panel sliding picture puzzle, after all. It would almost be stupid to create a super elaborate version of something you might spend 10 minutes with.

For a game that doesn’t seem complete, it does have some really nice hentai, some of the sexiest I’ve seen all week. I’m not sure where the designer sourced it, but it’s crisp, well-drawn, and highly erotic. The animations look and sound hot as fucking hell, and I really wish there were more of them.

Fuckerwatch ain’t an elaborate game by any means. It’s just a quick sliding puzzle game that rewards winners with a few very short Overwatch hentai animations, plus sexy artwork throughout the game. It probably won’t kill too much of your productivity, but turn down the sound, or your coworkers will know you’re masturbating.