Cosmic Shock League

What a morning it’s been. I was really supposed to be working, but instead, I got some hot sluts together to fight some other good-looking babes, lined up a bunch of colored tiles, and got off a few times while looking at dirty pictures. I wonder if this makes me an official member of the Cosmic Shock League, or if I’m still just a fan.

Up until now, I always thought Cosmic Shock was something that happens when the universe leaves its tampon in too long. It turns out; it actually has something to do with matching tiles, collecting cards, building a harem, and fapping to high-quality anime porn. Cosmic Shock League is a free X-rated strategy game that lets you do all that.

This free-to-play hentai tile matcher is available as a download for PC, Mac, or Android, or you can do what I did and just play it online right now. Get it through my link from Nutaku, a platform that’s essentially the Steam of hentai games. Check out my review of that website on ThePornDude if you want a little more background. Long story short, they put out some highly polished, highly sexy video games.

Match Tiles, Fight, Win, and Fuck

“In order to win, you must reduce your opponent’s life points to 0,” says the hot manga girl guiding me through the first level. It’s a pretty fancy way, to sum up the basic premise of most games aimed at dudes: killing your enemies. She explains that I do this by matching colored tiles on a grid. The scantily clad cutie even points out exactly which tile I should push to start.

I move the tile, creating 3 in a row. This unleashes a flurry of exploding boxes and life points being blasted off of my enemies. It’s not an unusual game mechanic in tile-based games, but it’s the wrinkles that really set Cosmic Shock League apart from other, non-pornographic tile games.

On the left side of the screen is my starting harem of four hentai girls. Each one is associated with a certain color, and their special attacks power up as I match blocks of that color. Within a couple of rounds, I have enough energy to launch a special attack. A bigger, sexier picture of the girl appears on the screen as she fucks up the bad guys. I was hoping the attacks would be more sexual, but it’s all machine guns, bombs, and attack bubbles as far as I can tell. At least this chick looks like Leeloo from The Fifth Element with her bright orange hair and strap-based excuse for an outfit.

The learning curve is easy, and you’d probably have to be some kind of retard to lose the first level. After vanquishing your foes, it’s time to claim some rewards.

Claim Your Prizes: Money and Wome

One of the hentai girls instructs me to click on the treasure chest to unlock my rewards for the level. I’ve got a handful of coins and some new cards. The cards in Cosmic Shock League are sexy hentai sluts who want to fight for you and also fuck you. Well, they want to fight now, but the fucking is more of an eventuality, for the most part.

Of course, Nutaku games are pretty fucking good at hooking players. One of the ways they do that is by showing you good stuff right at the beginning. The babe helping walk me through the intro tells me to level up my girl Fanny with some of the coins I won. I do so, and find myself staring at a really nice, uncensored hentai image of Fanny riding my cock at the beach.

The sex scene is, unfortunately, unanimated. There’s one photo, and the action plays out in the form of dialog you click through one line at a time. The text didn’t do much for me. It’s all short lines, and you’ll have to do a lot of clicking through it while you’re whacking off with the other hand. I was tempted to hit the Skip button, but I wanted to see where it was going.

“Suck them… Suck my nipples… They are so sensitive… Suck them like you sucked hers,” she says after what seemed like a hundred clicks. A couple of dozen clicks later, she says, “I’m going to… Cum… Aghaghh… I’m… Cum… Cum… Cumming… Gyahhahyah…”

When I found this X-rated art so early in the game, I kind of assumed I’d get another one every time I leveled up a girl. Unfortunately, that just ain’t so. I leveled up a few girls during my playtest, but this was the only time I got a reward like this. You’re going to have to work harder and more diligently than I did, so put down the bong. Alternatively, you could just shell out some real money to advance the game faster.

Play for Free or Level Up with Cash

Like other Nutaku games, they introduce you to the gacha system as soon as it’s convenient. The first way you’ll notice it is when you level up the girls. It mainly costs coins, which you’ll win during the levels, but also requires some crystal magic that is in much shorter supply. I thought I had enough to level up another girl, only to be told I was missing some key shit I didn’t know about. I could either keep playing to win what I needed, or I could just straight-up buy it as an in-app purchase with real money.

An even bigger draw for those in-app purchases is all the potential sluts you can unlock for your harem. They show you a list early on of all the cards/girls you can collect, and goddamn, it’s quite a brothel of big-eyed babes. You’ll win cards naturally over the course of the game, but you’ll get them way fucking faster if you’re willing to lighten your wallet a bit.

There’s a Starter Pack advertised on one of the main menu screens. For around a buck, you can get 5 rare cards, 25 common ones, 250 gems, and 5,000 coins. This is apparently a 75% discount off the regular price. In terms of the time it will cut off the game, though, we may well be talking about hours. I played the game for an hour or so and ended up with just half a dozen girls in my harem.

The rare cards are especially difficult to find during regular gameplay. I mean, that’s expected; they are called “rare”, after all. What irks me is that when they introduce the crafting mechanic, which allows you to craft more powerful characters, they straight-up tell you the best way to do that is by buying shit in the store. Wow! They’re usually a lot more subtle about it, steering you in that direction instead of just telling you spending money is a good way to win.

I will say that I didn’t spend a goddamn dime and ended up playing the game way longer than I needed to write this review. The tile-matching gameplay is legit addictive, tickling a few different parts of your brain while the hentai all over the place sends blood flowing to your cock. At no point did I feel like I needed to pull out my credit card to advance the game. It may speed things up, but overall, the gacha system here is entirely optional. You’ll have fun playing this even if mom cut off your allowance again this week.

My only minor complaint is that the sex scenes are not animated. It’s beautifully drawn and certainly fappable, but I would have preferred to see moving penetration than to read the lackluster click-through porn dialog. Still, I found the chase for more to be part of the game’s thrill. Is another fuck scene right around the corner? I don’t know, but I better play another level to find out!

Cosmic Shock League is a free and addictive hentai strategy game with the same high production values you expect from Nutaku games. It’s available on PC and Mac, and looks fucking fantastic on mobile, but you can play right now on the web without downloading a damn thing.