Lewdest Labyrinth

I used to go to this Dungeons and Dragons group they have weekly at one of the local comic shops. It was a lot of fun, but eventually, they gave me the boot and told me never to come back. There’s even a photo of me behind the counter with instructions to call the cops if I show my face again. I guess those neckbeards weren’t the kindred spirits I thought they were, unlike the maker of Lewdest Labyrinth.

Lewdest Labyrinth is an independent Windows game that combines the excitement and wonder of a good first-person dungeon crawl with the kind of kinky monster rape you expect from hentai. The game’s been out a couple of years now, but continues to gain new fans all the time. I’m in the mood to kill some monsters, dodge traps, and loot treasure chests, and I also have a boner, so it seems like a good time to try this game out.

Dungeon Crawling for Nerdy Pervs

Lewdest Labyrinth has an old-school vibe right from the jump, and I mean that as a compliment. The original hentai art is made of hand-drawn pixels with a sexy, cartoony vibe. The heroine with the short dress and cleavage on the New Game screen looks a little roughed up, but she’s got more work to do. Some tentacles are lurking in the doorway over her shoulder, and what’s that creature right behind her?

The gameplay continues that old-school vibe. The dungeon consists entirely of squares, all angles bending at a perfect 90 degrees. A grid in the corner maps the place out as you explore. One annoying quirk I noticed right away is that you don’t get any map completion credit for squares you can see, you have to actually step into them, even if there’s an obvious trap. If you’re one of those 100-percenters, this might annoy you.

You play that chick with the boobs as she works her way through the dungeon. There’s no readily apparent storyline, so I’m assuming from her outfit she’s a medieval thief, princess, or prostitute who got lost on her way to the farmer’s market. You’ll see her in the corner of the screen, where she usually looks like she’s ready to go fetch some firewood or give a blowjob.

In typical dungeon-crawler style, encounters happen at random as you explore the place. It’s a turn-based game, so nothing comes at you if you don’t press anything. I like to play the fucking games, so I started moving immediately. A few seconds and a few moves later, I got attacked by a pile of goo with a bunch of eyeballs.

Fight Hard or Get Fucked!

The turn-based fights require some strategy, but are pretty basic. At the beginning, you mostly just use your Strike over and over until the monsters die. The chick shows the monsters her ass, and then shows you her ass as she punches them. If shit starts going south, you can Heal or Escape. There’s also a First Aid button if you have enough Lust Points, which we’ll get to shortly.

The monsters in this dungeon are a bunch of depraved perverts, which I guess is why they call it the Lewdest Dungeon. I was getting sexually assaulted from the very first battle, when the eyeball monster pulled my top down to stare at my perky titties. Some of you assholes may think it’s harmless just to look, but you didn’t see the effect it had on my hit points. #MeToo, goddammit!

A few minutes later, I met a chick in bondage gear just hanging out in an empty dungeon room. She told me I didn’t look like much, and then gave me some pointers on fighting. Actually, since the combat is so basic, she just gave me one tip: bang the arrow keys if a monster is holding you in place and violating you.

I thanked her and went on my way, because there’s no good reason two hentai broads should team up to fight their way through a dungeon full of rapey monsters. A few seconds later, vampire bats tore my top off to suck my blood.

The game has a relatively steep learning curve, or at least a punishing difficulty level. I died about a minute later, slurped to death by a monster that looked like a flaccid, uncircumcised purple penis. It tore off all my clothes and made me fight naked, humiliating before it finally did me in. The Game Over screen shows a naked broad covered in bruises and… crying? She doesn’t look dead, but I can’t use the Continue option and have to start another new game.

Finger Yourself, Then Go Fight Monsters

My next time in, I learned a few things. One is that the dungeon doesn’t change; I thought the game might have some rogue-like elements with random dungeons, but that ain’t so. That will help you get through the place. Remember where the healing fountains are, and you’ll survive a lot longer.

I also started learning about the Lust Points. When you’re not being attacked, you can hit H to activate Lust. That makes the chick finger herself and moan, which in turn grants you some Lust Points. These can be used for First Aid during your battles, but too many points can fuck up your ability to fight. It’s kind of like trying to knife somebody with an erection, your brain caught between being a lover and a fighter.

I encountered a snake monster with tentacles in its mouth and some really vicious attacks. None of these things just bite, stab, or throw fireballs. Nah, every monster in this game sexually assaults you. If you’ve got clothes on, it will rip them off when you’re getting attacked. This reptile thing would hold me in the air, ass up with tendrils in my nether regions.

The tentacle attack keeps draining hit points until you escape, which requires you to rapidly tap the arrow buttons. It’s the only part of the game I saw that wasn’t turn-based. Most of the time, you’re free to masturbate, cook dinner, or smoke crack between turns, and nothing bad will happen while you’re idle. I guess you’d better keep one hand on the keyboard.

Punishing Difficulty, Punished Heroine

My biggest complaint about the game is going to be a selling point to you gluttons-for-punishment who like difficult slogs like Dark Souls. This is a challenging, unforgiving game in Normal mode, and will still kick your ass on Easy. Don’t expect to just tap your way to a bunch of instant-gratification hentai. Prepared to work for all the progress you make.

And there certainly is progress to be made. After I got raped by a plant that I stupidly just walked up to, I found a pair of iron panties that would help protect me from some forms of traps. I never found out which traps, because I had to run away from a lesbian rapist spider woman who was about to kill me.

I never filled out all my inventory slots, either, or got to use either of the Dress buttons. I could see them there, mocking me, making me wonder what kind of kinky BDSM gear or warrior lingerie might be available. I just never made it that far.

The game has a few things going for it that make it an addictive and engaging dungeon crawler. Fans of the genre will immediately be drawn to explore and find out what’s out there, what kind of loot there is, and what kind of monsters are going to try to stop you.

On the hentai end of the game, it seems sexiest when you’re losing. I was going to say something about you, as a player, needing to strike the right balance between winning and losing if you want to see all the really perverted stuff. The thing is, you’re constantly going to be getting raped, fucked, and fucked up throughout the entire game, no matter how good you are.

Lewdest Labyrinth is a game that lives up to its title perfectly. It’s a classic first-person dungeon crawler populated by monsters who didn’t get the #MeToo memo, with hentai-style artwork and a soundtrack of sex squeals. This one’s Windows-only, but worth the download if you’re a fan of the genre.