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Updated on 15 January 2020
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Genital Jousting

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Genital Jousting

User Rating: 4/5
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It’s nice to take a break once in a while. All the fap-worthy games leave my dick blue in the face and leave me with some chuckles. Ironically, when I’m not playing with my dick, I appear to be playing with someone else’s dick. This dick happens to be named John, and he’s looking for a date for his high school reunion.

Some Nutty Fun

No, I haven’t had a stroke. I’m literally describing the premise behind Genital Jousting. It is not a sexy game, by any means, even though it flat out shows dicks going in and out of assholes. It’s a sort of casual indie game in which you solve some basic puzzles while a narrator throws jokes your way. The jokes are funny, and the gameplay is entertaining, but the whole thing is made ridiculous by the fact that every character in this game is a penis with balls and an asshole.

Again, no, I’m not having a stroke; this is literally what the game is about. You play as John, a penis who works in corporate at a company that seemingly produces dildos and vibrators, among other things. Why would butted penises need vibrators? That I do not know. I review pussy for a living, and I never thought I’d have to face a question that’s this confusing or this sexual.

So the game’s actually perfectly innocent. Yes, everyone’s a dick, and they’re all pretty much out to fuck you in the ass, headfirst. But that’s just like real life, isn’t it? Especially if you work in corporate.

Chodes with Friends

Even though Genital Jousting comes with the epic saga of John, the named penis, it’s actually more famous for the multiplayer mode. This mode has nothing to do with the John chronicles. It’s just a fun little mini-game that lets you duke it out against up to 7 other players, either from the comfort of your couch or over the internet. The idea is that you’re all dicks with butts and a pair of balls. All you’re trying to do is fuck each other up the ass.

God, how I hope I was making this up. Anyways, the game’s cute art style and generally loose mood makes this an absolute delight to play with your buddies. It’s not even particularly smutty. You don’t have to keep the girls away from this game. It’s a great title to play with all and any of your friends. Maybe don’t play it with your parents, but anyone other than that should be fair game.

In the end, it’s just a bunch of people running around a 2D plane trying to dunk on each other while making jokes and sipping some Mountain Dew. The fact that everyone’s role-playing as a penis is entirely unrelated and really you can just disregard it. Genital Jousting is a great party game in its own right, and that’s the end of that.

I warmly recommend you try out the multiplayer mode, but don’t expect to get much out of the online mode. Most of the fun that comes from party games like these happens thanks to the hanging out factor. You want to be sitting next to people while you ram your head up their ass, so that you can point at them and laugh, teasingly. Otherwise, what’s the point?

Smooth Shaven Dicks

This game’s art style follows a trendy matte art style that I think they call “cel-shading”. Either way, it’s the kind of super plain, super colorful 3D art style that lets indie developers make a lot of content really fast without having to worry about hiring artists. I mean, I’m sure they had at least one artist on the team, but it’s not like they went overboard in the 3D software. They drew some dicks, put some clothes and sunglasses on them, and then went on their merry way.

I think this was for the best, because the game doesn’t look half bad. The whole cheerful and colorful vibe it gives off really helps you understand the kind of goofy fun you’re in for. I guess the dicks could just as easily have looked like actual penises, with veins and hairs all over the place. That would have made the game look grotesque, though. I mean, the game thrives on being goofy and lighthearted.

The Story

Back to the old John, he’s a very lovable character, for a penis. There’s the constant narration by this chill woman who’s just sort of describing everything that’s happening to you and giving you some insider information. The dicks don’t actually talk in this game. It’s up to the narrator to let you know why you’re actually doing what you’re doing on screen.

I’m not going to run you through the whole story, because you should play this game for yourself and check it out. It’s an entertaining story; I’ll say that much. It’s definitely worth one playthrough. I wouldn’t call it replayable. After all, it’s completely linear and has no real puzzles, but the first playthrough will have you laughing like an idiot throughout.

Suffice it to say; there’s a ton of weird shit to do that either involves you sticking shit up your ass or sticking your dick-head where it doesn’t belong. You can control Penis-John freely with your controller, but as an actual dick with no legs, it’s not like there’s much he can do except wiggle his way into or onto trouble.

The game will have you trying to improve John’s life, for the most part. Whether you’re trying to get him to do better at work or improving his physique by going to the gym, the grind never stops in this game. You want John to become the best penis he can possibly be, so that he is the perfect specimen.

My Verdict

Well, I pretty much made it clear that you can’t jack off to this game, but you’re free to try it. I think it would be an extreme challenge. These aren’t even the kind of dicks that some people get hard over. They’re literally the same kind of cartoon penises we used to scribble into our desks when we were teenagers. So, even if you actually like dicks, you’re not going to get horny over these.

As for limp-dicked, regular gaming sessions, Genital Jousting belongs in everyone’s Steam library. That’s just my personal opinion, but the thing is, I’ve tried this game with friends, and we had ourselves an absolute barrel of laughs.

And the story, well, it might not be for everyone, but I found the humor to be pretty easy to get along with. It’s not like it’s some deep existential commentary or anything. It’s just casual toilet humor with a very nice story underneath that is easy to follow, but not easy to predict. You’re constantly doing something wackier than what you did last.

I mentioned that the game is available on Steam, where you can pick it up for a measly $6.99, which I think is a fair price for a game that offers you both endless multiplayer fun and over an hour’s worth of single-player story fun to be had. Plus, if you try to goof off and collect the bonus items scattered throughout the single-player story, you might even bump up the gameplay time to over three hours, who knows.

Oh, and don’t worry about minimum requirements or anything like that. I’m pretty sure that this game would run on a toaster, if that toaster supported Windows or Mac OS. They literally didn’t even list a graphics card as a required part to play this game on the official posting. Just make sure you have a monitor to display it on, I guess. Everything else is a bonus. Who knew virtual cock was this cheap, am I right?

I don’t know if I should be apologizing for bringing you a game that you can’t jack off to, but then again, I’m not just here for the fap sessions. Steam says that this game is not appropriate for people of all ages, because of its extreme sexual content. That means it falls into my domain, and I am going to cover the shit out of it.

It’s a barrel full of laughs, it’s not appropriate for kids, and it’s a challenging wank. I leave it to you to decide how you’re going to enjoy this game. At the very least, it’s super cheap, and the reviews for it are through the roof, so you know that one way or another, you’re paying for quality.