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Updated on 15 January 2020
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CuntWars, aka Chick Wars! Card games and auto chess clones are all the fucking rage these days. It’s really going a long way to prove that kids these days are losing their attention spans. I’d admit to being a cranky old man, but I’m barely middle-aged, for fucks sakes. Plus, I’m basically a porn god, so you can’t fault me for being behind the times. I just don’t get why everything needs to be simplified to all hell in order to be marketable. Regardless, that’s the direction that gaming has taken. Strategy games became multiple online battle arenas and those further became auto chess games. Who knows, maybe eventually games will turn into cartoons, and we’ll come full circle. You won’t even have to click anything. But I digress. Today, we’re here to talk about CuntWars. – A grid-based collectible card game with a ton of smut in every crack.

A Simple Concept

This game draws a lot of inspiration from several other similar non-pornographic games. I don’t know if they’re called puzzle or RPG, but they’re very reminiscent of chess. You pretty much have a deck of cards from which you draw into a hand of playable cards. When you place a card on the board, it becomes a creature, and the board itself is grid-based. These creatures then proceed to duke it out against creatures on the other side of the board, in a straight line. I guess the best way you can think of it is two way Plants Vs. Zombies. I guess that technically makes this game Plants Vs. Plants, but the analogy works.

You’ll have a melee bitch on the frontlines, right next to the enemy, then an archer right behind her. They’ll fire their separate attacks with specific modifiers in a straight line at the next enemy in front of them. The enemy will do the exact same thing and eventually, you’ll either win or run out of bitches and health points. It’s a simple enough concept, and it works really well. I can guarantee that this is the kind of high-quality gameplay that’ll keep you hooked for a very long time. It’s addictive, it’s fun, and it’s all-around well planned.

Normally, when free porn games have this kind of half-puzzle half-RPG approach to gameplay, it’s a cop-out. It’s an excuse to keep you clicking, but there’s no real challenge. Well, this format actually lends itself to a lot of challenge, because it actually matters what chicks you place where. You have to think twice before you try and do something stupid instead. I love this. It makes the actual game worth playing. I’m not clicking as fast as I can to get to the smut afterwards. But, don’t worry. There’s a ton of smut, regardless.

Awesome Smut Scenes and Cards

The smut in this game truly is twofold, and I love it for that. In similar games, especially those you’ll find on Nutaku, for instance, the smut is only present in the visual novel portion of the game and the combat is the meat of the gameplay. Well, they sort of figured out a way to infuse a lot of smut in the actual cards here, and it just makes my day. Basically, in other card games, the cards don’t change. You unlock a card and that’s that. The card will be available forever, but it will stay exactly the same. They’re usually based on paperback releases, and naturally, paper can’t shift over time.

Well, you don’t have that limitation in an online digital game, so the cards here do change, they change a lot. You can level them up, thus increasing their power, but that’s not really the fun part. You see, all the cards feature some sort of hot babe in some sexually explicit scenario. The more you level that card up, the more clothes the girl loses, until she’s eventually just a bent over slut waiting for a cock. I love this method and the incentive it gives you to kick more ass.

Plus, every single girl on the cards is actually a character within the game. While she’s fighting for you on the battlefield, she’s also talking to you, essentially building rapport. You get to know them, and you get to care about them. Plus, there’s a sort of tendency I’ve noticed among men, myself included, to really respect a girl when she helps out in combat. When a particular card comes in really handy in combat, you tend to really care about the girl that’s printed on it. This is what makes CuntWars a true harem game. These girls are hot, but they’re not decoration. They’re powerful warriors, and you appreciate every single one of them.

Building the Optimal Deck

It should be no surprise at this point that since the cards can be collected and upgraded, you can and should build your own deck in this game. With every win in the career adventure mode, you unlock new cards and can add them to your set. The more you play a card, the more it advances with experience and more nude artwork.

You’d ideally want to strip all your babes, but that’s not exactly wise. At least, not at the start. Fights get progressively harder, so you have to build your deck using your mind, not your cock. That means that you don’t just pick out the hottest cards or even the strongest ones. You’re going to have to pick out the cards that have the best synergy together. That’s the general idea. You want your cards to mesh well together and bolster each other’s defenses and offenses on the battlefield.

Adventure Mode

There’s an extensive single-player adventure mode in this game, and I recommend you play as much of it as possible. It carries the story along, and there are many boss fights along the way. With every chapter end, you also get a long visual novel cinematic featuring the girls from your deck, and this is where all that relationship building comes to a climax, literally.

You get to suck and fuck every single one of them eventually, in increasingly erotic scenes that are all super arousing and very well drawn. I swear to god, there isn’t a single portion of this game that kills your excitement, whether it’s sexual or combat thirsty. You’re going to have a damn great time enjoying yourself in this game, no matter what you came for. There’s not a single aspect of the game that gets boring at any point, because the challenge always ramps up to harder and more fun fights.

Great Design Decisions

The game’s designed very well for a browser game. As far as I can tell, they used some sort of modern browser engine to build the damn thing, so you don’t have to fuck around with Flash. I don’t recognize the game engine, but it works really well and lets the developers cram in a ridiculous amount of high-quality content without bogging anything down. I’m pretty sure you could run this game on a smart fridge, if you tried.

On top of that, the UI is phenomenal. I didn’t have to check any how-to to figure out how everything worked. It’s all so self-explanatory. There’s also an overworld menu through which you can access the shop and, of course, a free game like this is going to have a shop. Beyond being the place where you can buy more cards on the fly, it’s also the place where you can spend real-life dollars for virtual titties. They have to make money somehow, and I genuinely don’t have a problem with the freemium format.

The thing is, you don’t really need any paid cards to get through this game and being limited in that way makes the game more fun, because it increases the challenge. You have to actually think about your decisions as combat progresses, and it really makes you appreciate the cards you already have.

I was a bit annoyed at the fact that I couldn’t disable the goddamn tutorial, though. That really got in the way of my enjoyment. I mean, the tutorial is just more of the game, but it was annoying as hell, because I’ve played it before. I couldn’t remember my login info, so I had to replay all of it, and it was maddening. I guess you won’t have that problem if you’re new to the game, but I still had to bitch about it.

BestPornGames Likes Cunt Wars
  • Amazing Challenging Gameplay
  • Long Story with a Lot of Smut
  • Great Design
  • Runs on a Smart Fridge
BestPornGames Hates Cunt Wars
  • Unskippable Tutorial