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I’ve been playing a lot of platforming porn games lately, and I have to say, these damn things are undiscovered gems, across the board. A few years ago, I used to think that porn platformers were dumb, because they forced you into a ton of action without enough of a smut payoff. Plus, the graphics didn’t really allow for a lot of nudity, so that kind of got on my nerves. But it would appear that we’ve come a long way since then. Porn platforming games are no longer about dragging on without any smut scenes. They’re more of a complete experience that comes with all the bells and whistles you need to jack off comfortably, over and over again.
There’s a sexy story, fap-worthy art, tons of actual sex scenes, and if you’re lucky, a few fucks and sucks here and there throughout the gameplay. Leading the fold in high-quality porn platformers, we’ve got games like Almastriga. Now, this right here is still a relatively young game. They’ve got a long way to go before they can call it a completed title, but what they’ve got so far is extremely hot. Plus, there’s at least an hour of gameplay in the demo so far, and it’s all very satisfying. I personally loved playing this game. It got me in the mood for future updates.
It’s really hard to cram arousing gameplay into a platformer without cheapening the whole experience. Normally, game developers go one of two ways. Either they make it so that every enemy you fight also happens to rape you while the fighting is going on, or they shorten the actual combat encounters so that you don’t have to keep button mashing for very long periods of time. This game right here goes for the latter approach.
So, you’ve got the standard platformer gameplay, with punches, kicks, weapons, items, and the like, but the actual dungeon exploration doesn’t drag on. It’s padded out with NPC encounters that are, for the most part, simple conversations with friendly characters. These characters are mostly female, though there are a few dudes here and there. I personally didn’t mind the dudes very much. They were nice and helped the main character with whatever she needed. Plus, whenever you’re talking to anyone, you’re also on screen, and you just happen to be one of the hottest babes in the fucking universe.
A Lovable Main Character
Seriously, this chick’s tits could take down a government. They could generate their own fucking field of gravity if they wanted to. They’re massive, is what I’m trying to say. They’re also barely contained by her really tight, really revealing t-shirt. She is technically wearing armor, but most of it is across her shoulders and arms. Her tits are, for the most part, exposed to everyone within a five-mile radius. You wouldn’t need a telescope to gaze at these heavenly bodies. If this weren’t a porn game, I’d be confused as to how her armor is supposed to protect her, but this is a porn game, so more power to her.
Then you’ve got the rest of her body, which is even more impressive. Let’s start with the least important thing, her face. She’s gorgeous. She’s got piercing blue eyes, long flowing brown hair, and a look on her face that says, “I suck dicks for fun”. She’s real wife material, is what I’m trying to say. This is the kind of chick that takes matters into her own hands, and by matters, I mean dicks.
Moving down her body and up on my list of priorities, we’ve got her waist and ass. Her waist is roughly the size of, well, as small as they could fucking make it without it being comically ridiculous. She’s got a tiny waist, and a gigantic ass. That ass could smash through walls, and it could change a man’s life. It’s the kind of ass that, once you fuck it, you can’t go back to having regular sex with average looking women anymore, because you’ve seen the light.
Epic Tits Aplenty
The main character is arguably the hottest bitch in the game, but she isn’t the most visually impressive. What do I mean by that? Well, there are some bitches in this game whose proportions literally challenge your understanding of physics and the world in general. Take a random ass mage character called Emma, for instance. You meet her towards the beginning of the game. She rambles on and on about illnesses and curses for some reason, but I wasn’t paying a lot of attention.
How do I put this…? Her massive tits were completely covered by her clothing. None of her was actually exposed, she was fully dressed. And yet, her tits were so ridiculously massive; you pretty much see all there is to see, even through a thick layer of cloth. Her tits are so massive that one of them alone is larger than, let’s say, three times her head? They’re large, they’re really, comically, epically large and I want to fuck them. Also, her nipples are so ridiculously thick and massive that you can see their entire outline. See, her nipples are actually the size of B or C cup breasts. That’s what we’re dealing with here.
And Emma isn’t the only bangable bitch in this game. There are tons of super-hot chicks whose levels of hotness will have you drooling on your keyboard for hours on end. Sure, they all have a role in the story and something important to say, but I doubt you’ll actually be listening. Oh, speaking of listening…
Proper Voice Acting
I don’t understand why pornographic visual novels and adventure games don’t have voice acting, but these kinds of platformers do. I’m not complaining, mind you; I’m just pleasantly surprised. The entirety of all the conversations in this game are voiced by what appear to be professional voice actors and actresses. Whoever these people are, they’ve done a bang-up job to make it sound like they really give a damn about the shit that’s happening inside this game.
I’m one of those weirdos who believes that no voice acting is better than bad voice acting, and this game right here ticks all of my boxes when it comes to expectations of quality. This is quality voice acting, plain and simple. Every single character feels real and tangible thanks to the performance.
Normally I try to avoid RPG porn games, because they force me to think too much about my build, my character, and all the in-between math that goes into the combat. I don’t like doing homework, certainly not while I’m trying to jack off to a porn game. Anyways, this game does RPG elements right. Your main M.O. is still punching things in the face or slicing them with a weapon, but you get the added bonus of having an inventory of useful items that can improve your situation.
So, you’re still very much just running around and mashing buttons on reflex, but you can also improve your odds while you’re taking a breather. Enemies drop items that you can pick up and use or save for a later date. This is, at least in my opinion, the right amount of RPG elements for a platforming porn game. I’m very satisfied with the balance they’ve struck in this game.
In short, the art for this game is absolutely perfect in every single way. An army of art gods couldn’t improve upon this art if their lives depended on it. We’re talking about extremely high-quality 2D art made by people who took their sweet time to perfect every part of every scene. The style reminds me of comic porn legends Shadman and SinnerComics. Shad, because he uses a lot of the same shading techniques and Sinner, because the expressions on people’s faces look very true to life.
In every single smut scene or regular interaction, the main character and all the monsters that are involved with her on-screen are drawn with an immaculate attention to detail. I swear, you could zoom in on her pussy and smell the juices flowing.
Oh, and speaking of the smut scenes, there’s a ton of them, and they all feature your main character. I was kind of sad to play through an hour of this game and not see any of the other bitches like Emma getting fucked, but the main character is hot enough that seeing her plowed over and over again is still satisfying.
For the most part, you see her getting absolutely destroyed by all manner of supernatural monsters, including, but not limited to tentacle monsters, lizardmen, snakes, spiked demons, and many more. This game is absolutely jam-packed full of exciting and original sex scenes. I can’t recommend it enough.
- Great combat gameplay
- Super-hot 2D chicks
- Tons of hot sex scenes
- It’s free to play
- Amazing voice acting
- Literally nothing